Advice urgently needed! Step-mother going insane!

[Gemz23]

Hi to whoever reads this and/or replies:

When I met my husband I knew he had a young daughter (was 13months at time I met her) and we got married at the end of last year. We have her every second w/end (she lives with her Mother the rest of the time) and I love her like she was my own. I get on with her Mother aswell (which I think is important) and we have no major problems in general. About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then. Today he has rung me to say that a letter arrived at his work from Child Support asking for maintenance for this child. We don't know if it is his for sure (he believes the mother may have been sleeping with other men at the same time) and she already has 3 other children to different fathers - but we have resigned ourselves to a DNA test to find for for sure. In the event of this other child being my husbands; I have said that I'm prepared for us to pay maintenance (because it will be the both of us paying for it... not just him) BUT that as far as I'm concerned the child doesn't exist to me. I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor... it was a mistake that shouldnt have happened and we have subsequently discussed it once more since then prior to now and the same conclusion was reached. TODAY however he has said otherwise and I'm thinking along the lines that dependent on the outcome of the paternity test and what he wants to do I'll be saying "me or the new child"... I know that sounds selfish and harsh but I don't see why I should have to take on the responsibility of another child which isn't mine. We already struggle financially and if this child is my husbands then it will make life even harder but I've accepted that as we can do nothing about that. I do feel really horrible about potentially giving my husband an ultimatum if the child turns out to be his (and feel sorry for the kid who didn't ask to be born into this circumstance) but also feel that I've been unselfish and generous and I don't want to start resenting my life with him as I do love him loads. I just would really like to hear some advice from people who don't know any of us personally (because people I've spoken to have all agreed with me but I don't know if thats because they feel loyal towards me or because some don't have children at all!). Thank you

Hi Gem, I think the website I suggested is down at the moment, however, you can also speak to Families Need Fathers and ask to be put in touch with women in the same situation as you. They can also support your husband should he wish to ask for help.

Some of you are being incredibly naeive. The op is faced with Hobsons choice. Telling her to grow up etc is narrow minded and quite frankly pretty spiteful.
I would have expected more from you lot.

Thank you both so much Tory79 and SurferMum - Tory79 I will have a look at that website soon and appreciate what you have said.

SurferMum you managed to put how I'm feeling into words that I couldn't do. I'm feeling very frustrated and upset at the moment and don't know where to turn - I've always been a bit of a planner and like to have some idea of where my life is heading (even when it doesn't turn out as expected) which is why I've been considering options if the child turns out to be my husbands. There is a chance it isn't but I can't stick my head in the sand for the next few months or however long it takes the CSA to sort out the DNA test thinking that it won't be.

I might not have come across in the way I'd hoped in previous messages but thank you for not being judgemental and for your messages. I don't know if there is anyone going through the exact same situation as myself right now but your comments have made me feel slightly less alone.
Thanks and take care

You are entitled to your say about your elationship with this child but your DH is aswell and it seems very sad that you are giving him the ultimatum of you or the child. FWIW my father did this and has supported financially his son which he had between marriages but has not acknowledged him in anyway publically, consequently I have a half brother that I don't know and have lost some respect for my father by not having any relationship with him. My mother took on my fathers 5 children from his first marriage aswell.

Gemz - You are entitled to feel whatever you want to in this situation. You own your feelings and it is not up to any of us to say how you should feel

• you could feel angry, sad or bitter in this situation. You could be happy, indifferent or ecstatic that your husband is providing your family with the children that you are not.

Your mind - your feelings.

You talk about your "Rights". It was your right and your choice to marry your husband. It is your right, and it is your choice, whether or not to stay married to him.
You chose to marry a man who has promiscuous unprotected sex with many women; a man who produces children willy-nilly.
With Rights come Responsibilities (people so often drop that last bit)

If you knew your husband was the type of man to produce his children in a very liberal way, then when you chose to marry him. you should have also expected the Responsibilities part of (his) having children to fall to you also (in the general co-parenting biological/step-parenting sense).
If you did'nt know (your husband was an irresponsible shagger) then you did'nt, and don't, know him, and were IMHO a fool to marry him.

""My husband has told me that he was only sleeping with this woman for a few weeks and every time he did use a condom - the once he didn't was a drunken time (no excuse he admits) and that she was 'on' and he used the not so fool-proof method of 'pulling out' prior to the cherry on the top. She apparently told him that it was ok because not only was she 'on' but that she was on the pill so it was safe. Yes at the end of the day he was stupid enough to do it and we both feel the same on this - and only time will tell when the DNA results come back.""

Gemz - your husband had sex with a female. If he did not want to impregnate her and produce a baby with her he should have had the snip/not have had sex/not become intoxicated and had sex/wore a condom/been in a long term committed relationship with her so that when she was taking the pill he could have witnessed her taking it at the correct time each and every day (you get the idea)

However much you hate it, your feelings do not supersede the child's right to be parented by both parents. As I said before, you have a right to feel bitter, sad or unhappy but to force your decisions in these circumstance would wrong.

Remember. You will not only be trying to dictate the parenting of this child, you are adamant on the forcible separation of siblings (why. oh why accept one step-child and not another?)

""Our house is filled with photos of our stepdaughter, I?ve designed her bedroom, she has a playroom ? we have bits of ?her? everywhere so how can this child not be treated the same way??? I don?t think that is fair on the child which was my reasoning albeit right or wrong.""

I do believe that there is unacknowledged jealousy on your part here. You "can't" have children (due to finances) but these other women "used" your husband "the sperm doner" to have what you can't have.

It's all rather childish and petulant and it is saying things like this

"... I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor..."

that quite rightly have people thinking you are an arse.

There are far too many men (and women) these days who refuse to raise their own children. They are arses.
So for you to dictate that a man should not help raise one of his children as he is doing with another makes you........? (think about it..really!!)

As for ALL the people you've have spoken to agreeing with you with regards to your plan: it does'nt say much for your social group I'm afraid.

SqueezyCheese is quite correct (at 18.38)

Reality sums it up neatly (at 18.30)

The most important thing that you should be doing at this moment is having a visit to a Sexual Disease clinic (I presume your husband and you have unprotected sex)

Impregnating various women obviously means your husband has been open to every disease passed through sex - including AIDS.

You are in a very difficult position.

You do not have the right to give your DH an ultimatum about this child. He and the child have every right to a relationship and you would be very much in the wrong if you tried to prevent it.

Either you accept the child, or you walk away from your DH. Remaining with your DH and ignoring the child is not an option.

Don't make any irrevocable decisions now. Your emotions are confused now, never a good time for decisions!
Remember making thing nice for DSD - did you enjoy it?? Would you have enjoyed buying twin/bunk beds if she had had a younger full sibling?
Take time to process everything - instead reactions are not always great.

Forgot to say good luck

Gemz, you double posted your OP so you actuallly have two threads going on this - thought it was so odd that the thread I posted on was so quiet on such an emotive subject!

Here's my initial response to you (you probably won't like it very much, judging by your replies to posters who have disagreed with you ):

"Wow. It's your DH or his child? That is a really, really tough ultimatum.

"I think before you make any rash decisions, you need to wait for the outcome of the paternity test. If the test proves that this child is in fact your husband's, then in your place, all I could do would be suppport him and respect the parenting decisions he made. I could/would never, ever demand someone not see his child.

"I have all the respect in the world for any man who wants to be part of their child's life - whatever the circumstances of the conception. That child also has a right to know who his/her father is and also a right to actually get to know that person. I personally think it would be wrong to take that away from anyone.

"You did ask for honest opinions - and you have mine"

Nothing you have said since has changed my opinion on what I wrote yesterday.

Also, you say in your OP that this woman has 3 children by different fathers, but say in a later post that she actually has 5. Which is it (doesn't make any difference to me, I am just interested why you appear to have altered your story slightly, perhaps to paint this woman in an even 'worse' light and illict some more sympathy?).

Gem I was not suggesting you "go with the flow" indefinitely, just that you need to step a pace back for now and have time to weigh your response.

I know what its like to have a life changing bombshell land on you. For me and DP it took initially weeks for things to settle down and make some sense. It then took months and now after nearly 3 years since that bombshell things are fitting into place and becoming good!
Initial knee jerk responses can change and situations unlooked for, can work out. Believe me, I've been there!

I second the posters suggestion to look for advice from childless step mums! They are a straight talking empathic bunch over there. They will support you even with things you do not want to hear without unnecessary nastiness.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your DH! My word you both have a terrible shock!

Being a step-mother is bloody hard work. It involves, in my experience, having to accept that you have very lttle control over your family circumstances. I, like you, "knew" what I was taking on when I met DH, and I accepted that he had children and that they would be a part of our lives. But, like with your own birth children, you do not "know" what will happen next, and as a parent and partner, you have to learn to cope and adjust, however difficult. I think that is the true meaning of that phrase, "I love them like they were my own"

A healthy child may become disabled, a previously unknown child may appear, an ex-partner may become abusive, leading to you having full time care of the child. Being a parent involves giving up on the notion of "what about me?" so far as the children are concerned, be they birth children or step. Your DSD has a right to know her sibling, your DH has a right and an obligation to know his child.

BUT, having said that, its very hard, and its understandable to feel very hard done by. But its your actions that make you a good parent. Give it some time and you will hopefully find you can learn to accept this. Good luck. You mmay find that this is another child who you can love, she is (possibly) a part of the man you love.

You poor girl, I want to give you a hug! The last thing you needed was to be torn to shreds like this on here.

This is an awful, devastating situation, and I implore you to make no decisions/ultimatums now.

I know why you want to give an ultimatum - because you are in an unknown situation (is the baby his or not?) and you want to 'stabilise' it by controlling the outcome (if the baby is his he won't see it/ I will leave).

It's a very natural reaction - your brain is 'protecting' itself against a possible trauma.

That doesn't mean that you can actually carry out the threat in real life.

You need to hold tight and wait for the result, I'm afraid. Don't try to second guess what to do just yet.

Save that for when you know.

If the baby is his, there are so many unknowns. Will the mum let him see it? Will it be practical to have very regular contact or will it be more sporadic? Will you be expected/wanted to be a part of the baby's life?

But the big thing to remember is that if this new baby becomes a part of your life - it might not be as bad as you think!!

You might find a new joy in your life if you are open to it.

I would suggest seeing your GP and seeing if you can have some counselling. I think talking things through could really help ease your mind at this tough time.

Please let us know how you get on.

It's interesting that many on here are saying the child has a right to a relationship with its father and I can't disagree.

BUT it appears to me (and I may be wrong here) that the only reason the OP's dh has even been called upon to get involved in this child's life is becuase the CSA has become involved. If it is so important for him to be a 'father' to the child why didn't the mother contact him when she was pregnant/had given birth/in the first week or so after the birth?

Is he needed as a father or as a cash machine? (admittedly if the child is his then he should of course pay toward his/her upkeep). Surely if it is the former then the mother would have contacted him well before now and invited him to be part of 'his' child's life.

How much consideration has the mother shown towards the child's right to have a relationship with his/her father?

The OP didn't sign up for this and whilst it is all well and good to say "put the child first" I can't imagine that I'd be cock-a-hoop at the thought of not having my own children because our income was keeping my dh's offspring with other women.

Yes it is the OP's choice to stay or go, but I don't think she should be berated for not wanting to form an emotional attachment to a child about whom she had no knowledge before commiting to her dh.

Just my humble opinion.

Thanks to ChookKeeper, guaranagal and mrsjammi for your messages. Your responses and a few others who previously commented are the reason I came on here initially. I never thought I'd say thanks to people for slating and insulting me but I've also taken their comments on board - as hard as its been.

My husband and I are both finding this time extremely difficult and I thank those for their genuine and supportive comments.

As ChookKeeper pointed out I would also be interested to know why the mother has waited such a long time to make contact with my husband - hopefully all will be revealed in the not too distant future. I would like to think that if I had ever been in her position whether I needed financial support or not that I would have notified the father as soon as I had come to terms with the fact so that important decisions could be made regarding the child.

guaranagal - thank you...

Now that its been a couple of days for the news to sink in and emotions are a little bit drained if I'm honest (I feel quite empty) my husband and I have talked and decided that we will try to forget whats happened until the results come back with a definite answer - I'm really hoping that I've got myself all worked up for nothing but hopefully I've got all the 'psycho-emotional' stuff out of the way in the event that he is the father. I still can't say what I personally will do if he is but everything thats been commented on here has given me a lot to think about.

I hope my reply didn't feel like an attack as I have been in similar circumstances. I didn't mean it to sound like an attack. More of a warning from someone who has been through it lol

It sounds like you have made the right choice for the moment Gem. There is nothing you can do until the results come back. It would all be "IF's". If he's the father, if he wants to form a relationship with the child, if the mother of the child will allow it etc.

Personally I think it's awful when a mother of a child goes straight to the CSA and lets them notify a possible father they have a child. They obviously have their details, contact them first, by letter if need be and then if they don't step up to their responsibilities, go to the CSA. I hate the fact it is used the way it is sometimes. It also gives off the impression the only reason the father has been contacted is for money.

If she wants the father to be financially responsible, she will have to then accept they may want to have contact with that child and there's not much they can do about it because if it went to court, unless there was a very good reason not to, a father would be given the chance to have a relationship with their child.

xxx

"You chose to marry a man who has promiscuous unprotected sex with many women; a man who produces children willy-nilly".

Blimey! That's a bit harsh. We're talking about 2 women. And he's had one child within a relationship and the second child may not even be his. Lots of people have more than one child with more than one partner.

If anyone's in the wrong here is the mother of the second child for not telling Gemz dh that she was pregnant and involving him from the outset.

Please Gemz, don't listen to people who are trying to make you out to be the bad guy here. You aren't. You've had an awful situation thrust upon you and you are working through all your emotions as best you can. I'm not convinced from the feel of your posts that if push came to shove you'd actually issue an ultimatum or not want anything to do with the child. I think you're just trying to make sense of a really difficult situation and the emotions it's brought up.

Agree with Surfermum.

So sorry you've had this reaction - I think it says more about the posters than it does about you. All that stuff about the sacred rights of the child to a father fly out of the window on many other threads when people are falling over each other to insist that the Mums stop contact at once and let the Dads take them to court...

As a stepmum, I know how often you feel that you just can't take any more. You absolutely have a right to think about your own happiness and being involved for the next 16 (at least) years with a woman who has kids 'willy-nilly' with whoever happens to be around would not be an option that would fill most of us with joy, lets be honest.

But - you may have a chance here to make a difference to a child's life. And whatever else life has taught me, the most important thing is that children ALWAYS give more to us than we give to them. If this child is your step-child it may not be the end of the world.

Haven't read all posts, but, by all means leave your husband if this new family dynamic is not for you, but whatever you do, don't give him an ultimatum!
Please don't do anything to stop a child from having a relationship with it's Dad. Your DH is doing the right thing. It's a shame more men don't show this level of responsibility. (Apart from the unprotected sex! That's just foolish!)
Was his considerate nature one of the reasons you married him?
Try putting the shoe on the other foot. What if you were the childs mother?

Any possibility for the mother in question not willing to ask for economical support but given the current times being forced by it?

The bloke does sound less than charming, though Surfermum. And she is in this unenviable position through setting up home with someone with a history of not being particularly particular ...

I don't agree Quattrocentro - he's fully involved and supports his other child, he wants to do the same with this one. He's keeping Gemz fully in the picture, they seem to be able to discuss this. He sounds like a decent bloke - how many men mess around with contact, don't pay maintenance or just disappear? And this child wasn't from an affair, he hasn't cheated on Gemz.

And I don't think based on what we've been told here we can make a judgment about whether he's "particular" or not. This one woman doesn't sound like she makes the best choices, but we don't know anything about her or anyone else he's been with.

And does it matter? How on earth can it help Gemz to be told "well you chose to marry an irresonsible shagger", that's hardly supportive is it? There have been threads on here from women whose husbands have had affairs and had pregnancies or children of those affairs. Men who cheat and are violent or controlling. Do they get told "well you chose to marry an irresponsible, cheating shagger" or similar? No. They get full sympathy and support. So what's the difference? This feels like yet another thread which, because it's in Step-parenting, people pile in and pick the ops posts to pieces and think it's OK to tell them just to get on with it as "they knew what they were getting into". It's no wonder that people are nervous about posting in this section and no wonder that people get told to post on other forums.

I think that friends are probably telling you what they think you want to hear.
Firstly, wait for the DNA test, it may well not be a problem at all, it sounds like you may have less than 25% chance of it being a problem.
If it turns out that it is his then I wouldn't give ultimatums.
The child may be very like him, I think nature is more important than nurture. I have found that even things like gestures are innate and not copied (personal experience).
It will be a half sibling for the DC that you already acknowledge-they may not understand why they were denied contact when they get to be an adult.
If I was DPs parents I would want to be grandparents to the child-he is going to deny them the relationship +aunts,uncles cousins etc.