Advice urgently needed! Step-mother going insane!

[Gemz23]

Hi to whoever reads this and/or replies:

When I met my husband I knew he had a young daughter (was 13months at time I met her) and we got married at the end of last year. We have her every second w/end (she lives with her Mother the rest of the time) and I love her like she was my own. I get on with her Mother aswell (which I think is important) and we have no major problems in general. About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then. Today he has rung me to say that a letter arrived at his work from Child Support asking for maintenance for this child. We don't know if it is his for sure (he believes the mother may have been sleeping with other men at the same time) and she already has 3 other children to different fathers - but we have resigned ourselves to a DNA test to find for for sure. In the event of this other child being my husbands; I have said that I'm prepared for us to pay maintenance (because it will be the both of us paying for it... not just him) BUT that as far as I'm concerned the child doesn't exist to me. I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor... it was a mistake that shouldnt have happened and we have subsequently discussed it once more since then prior to now and the same conclusion was reached. TODAY however he has said otherwise and I'm thinking along the lines that dependent on the outcome of the paternity test and what he wants to do I'll be saying "me or the new child"... I know that sounds selfish and harsh but I don't see why I should have to take on the responsibility of another child which isn't mine. We already struggle financially and if this child is my husbands then it will make life even harder but I've accepted that as we can do nothing about that. I do feel really horrible about potentially giving my husband an ultimatum if the child turns out to be his (and feel sorry for the kid who didn't ask to be born into this circumstance) but also feel that I've been unselfish and generous and I don't want to start resenting my life with him as I do love him loads. I just would really like to hear some advice from people who don't know any of us personally (because people I've spoken to have all agreed with me but I don't know if thats because they feel loyal towards me or because some don't have children at all!). Thank you

Regardless of whether the woman was on the pill, he still could/should have used a condom. If he fell for that old chestnut in the heat of the moment, then more fool him. DH and the woman are both 50% responsible for this no matter how you look at it.

I just think if you love someone, you love them for their 'faults' or their 'mistakes' and you find ways of working through it.

Agree with StewieGriffinsMom.

I also agree with stewiegriffin's mum.

This child is entitled to a relationship with his Father and your ultimatum is extremely unfair on your DH. If he had been worried about unwanted pregnancies he would have used a condom.

Yes, this situation is unfair on you, but if you truly love your DH, you won't make him make this choice. If he stays with you and disowns his child he could end up hating you for it and you know, I would't blame him.

OMG - I totally understand what you feel Gemz23. I am in a very similar situation -only that my hubby doesn't want to know anything about this child even if it is proved to be his (which I'm not too sure about as that woman slept around and also said that she was on pill). I feel for you - not easy situation to be in.
x

"only that my hubby doesn't want to know anything about this child even if it is proved to be his"

FGS, where are people's sense of responsibility for THEIR actions??

SGM has put things eloquently.

Agree with the others who are saying you need to take things one day at a time with this.

You are in shock, and you are angry.

You might feel differently somewhere down the line.

Well, you don't know the story behind it twofalls, so please don't judge. Life is not always black and white.

Forgive me Reality & co, but you seem to be being a little harsh. Gemz has (now) acknowledged that the child, should it be her DHs, would be entitled to have a relationship with him (not her choice, as we all agree.)

But I honestly can't see she has moral obligation to have a parental relationship herself too - she's not a parent to the child. Socially, biologically, whatever.

It would, of course, be nice if Gemz offered support and kindness, however.

The trouble is, Reality, that when you avoid creating an off-the-shelf family with 'traditional' relationships, you have to accept that your new structure can't suddenly call on other people who aren't involved to support it. You don't have priveleges to rope in kindly strangers - it's not their problem, however much you try it on - or use the 'kiddy' clincher argument.

Anyway, to be quite honest, surely the baby would be way better off having friends/relations who actually wanted to see them - can't see anybody benefiting from such a grudging relationship.

It takes two to tango. Black and white.

"Well, you don't know the story behind it twofalls, so please don't judge. Life is not always black and white. "

That is true, I don't. But at the end of the day, a child is entitled to a relationship with its Father. Call me small-minded but I think that is pretty black and white.

OP, once again I agree with SGM.

Thanks for your comment notsoangelface - and I feel for you if you are going through a similar situation - I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and am trying to separate logic from feelings.

My husband has told me that he was only sleeping with this woman for a few weeks and every time he did use a condom - the once he didn't was a drunken time (no excuse he admits) and that she was 'on' and he used the not so fool-proof method of 'pulling out' prior to the cherry on the top. She apparently told him that it was ok because not only was she 'on' but that she was on the pill so it was safe. Yes at the end of the day he was stupid enough to do it and we both feel the same on this - and only time will tell when the DNA results come back.

Its very clear from various comments that my feelings/wants/needs in a situation like this (if it turns out that it will affect us) are not necessary or perhaps warranted and so thank you to all for your opinions.

I did think that in todays world of equality and rights that I might be entitled to some say in the matter but according to the majority of you they don't. I don't think that statement makes me appear immature or selfish - and if any of you knew me or my family you may think differently however you don't and that was what I wanted - honest unbiased opinions.

I don't believe that this discussion board will help me any further which I think is a shame but has been a worthwhile learning experience; albeit hurtful from some comments made.

Gemz I have another website suggestion for you, but I don't know if we are allowed to suggest other message boards?

The problem is Gemz23, many posters are saying things that you really don't want to hear which is why you don't feel you can get any support here. I think you were hoping everyone would say "of course you are in the right". Thing is you have no right to issue an ultimatum and stop a Father from seeing a child.

You are caught in the middle of an awful situation, but as an adult you have a choice (to walk away) and your DH (if he is the father) has a responsbility to that child.

Put yourself in that child's position. How would you feel about the woman who stopped you having a relationship with your Father? Do you want to be that person?

I can discuss this situation privatley with if you like as I know exactly what goes through your head at the moment. Take care x

Hi Notsoangelface - I got a message to say - Sorry, Notsoangelface has chosen not to receive "Contact another Mumsnetter" email from mumsnet. We can't pass a message on for you.
If you amend this then private messages can be done apparently.
Thanks

Hi Tory79 - I think you can and I'd appreciate it.
Thanks

As other have said, you may be worrying far too much in advance. If he is the dad, well, he has to contribute (£). But I believe that many of the extra responsibilities you may be worrying about do not apply in this case, like having the child to stay for a good percentage of the time, etc etc. That applies more often to a child who has had regular contact with the parent before marriage but may not be exactly what the mum of this child has in her mind.

From the little I know of the subject, the mum can be as unwilling to send her kid to spend some time at your house as you are to receive him.

My only thought then is, if your husband decides to not have contact at all with this child because you don't want to, be warned. Think twice before you decide trying for a baby, you never know when you may find yourself in the shoes of the other person.

before the marriage broke up

Come and have a look at www.childlessstepmums.co.uk/forum. I'm a member on there and could not ask for a friendlier more receptive bunch. That is not to say they just tell you what you want to hear, but there is real empathy for the idea that its not how you feel that matters so much as what you do about it, and an understanding that we all need somewhere to go and vent. There are people on there with similar situations to yours, in fact mine is not a thousand light years away.

I think all boards have their merits, and I have taken valuable lessons from this one, but I think you are in a place where you just need people to understand how you are feeling RIGHT NOW, and help you through it, and its not always helpful to just have people going on about the rights of the child.

xxx

While I agree with a lot of what is being said on here, I don't believe it's that straightforward for Gemz to just "suck it up" (and I'm not quoting anyone there).

This is huge. It has huge implications for her life which will change forever. She says her life will be made harder, she will be put under financial strain. And I think what is so hard and is unfair for Gemz is that she didn't have a choice in any of this and none of it was of her doing. Its not like "she knew what she was getting herself into" (again not a quote). It sounds like she is married and settled and now has a bombshell that she can do nothing about other than "make a choice and walk away". That must be so difficult to deal with and realistically, how easy is it just to walk away from any marriage, any relationship, when it's not the relationship that is the problem?

I've been in that position (although a slightly different scenario) and I shed hours of tears, talked to friends until I was blue in the face and they were probably suicidal and got clinically depressed.

I really feel for you Gemz, what a tough situation.