Advice urgently needed! Step-mother going insane!

[Gemz23]

Hi to whoever reads this and/or replies:

When I met my husband I knew he had a young daughter (was 13months at time I met her) and we got married at the end of last year. We have her every second w/end (she lives with her Mother the rest of the time) and I love her like she was my own. I get on with her Mother aswell (which I think is important) and we have no major problems in general. About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then. Today he has rung me to say that a letter arrived at his work from Child Support asking for maintenance for this child. We don't know if it is his for sure (he believes the mother may have been sleeping with other men at the same time) and she already has 3 other children to different fathers - but we have resigned ourselves to a DNA test to find for for sure. In the event of this other child being my husbands; I have said that I'm prepared for us to pay maintenance (because it will be the both of us paying for it... not just him) BUT that as far as I'm concerned the child doesn't exist to me. I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor... it was a mistake that shouldnt have happened and we have subsequently discussed it once more since then prior to now and the same conclusion was reached. TODAY however he has said otherwise and I'm thinking along the lines that dependent on the outcome of the paternity test and what he wants to do I'll be saying "me or the new child"... I know that sounds selfish and harsh but I don't see why I should have to take on the responsibility of another child which isn't mine. We already struggle financially and if this child is my husbands then it will make life even harder but I've accepted that as we can do nothing about that. I do feel really horrible about potentially giving my husband an ultimatum if the child turns out to be his (and feel sorry for the kid who didn't ask to be born into this circumstance) but also feel that I've been unselfish and generous and I don't want to start resenting my life with him as I do love him loads. I just would really like to hear some advice from people who don't know any of us personally (because people I've spoken to have all agreed with me but I don't know if thats because they feel loyal towards me or because some don't have children at all!). Thank you

I think posters have been really harsh to you Gemz. Of course this has come as a huge shock to you (and your dh) and your initial feelings are completely understandable. Don't make ultimatums though, you might not get the outcome you truly want. Try not to panic or rush into any decision,
I know saying sit back and see what happens sounds like you're conceding control, but you're not, you're just waiting to see the bigger picture.
It may be that the mother doesn't want your dh to have any involvement, if your dh is the biological father he might want to dispute that and have contact but as long as you support his decision you don't have to be majorly involved yourself.
When I married my dh I knew he had a son. I didn't particularly want to be involved with dss, he was a very angry teenager and he certainly didn't want any contact with me.
Initially dh saw dss at neutral places or I went to stay with friends, but over time things got easier and now 14 years later dss and I get on very well indeed, probably better than with he does with his father. Good luck.

"About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then."

So the OP did know about this situation before she committed to her husband. It isn't a complete bombshell, they decided to ignore it.

I love the way that women whose husbands have children with someone other with them, always have them with women who "slept around". Naturally, the husbands have never "slept around".

I very much look forward to this hitherto unrevealed belief (that children are entitled to relationships with their fathers no matter what) becoming evident on other threads, when the first piece of advice seems to be "s*d the dad, the kids are better off without him, if he doesn't like it he can go to court"

I don't think I've ever read such diatribes on the sanctity of the father/child relationship when the mother is considering stopping contact because the Dad has upset her, or because she doesn't like his new gf,or because she wants to move 100's of miles away for her own convenience.

Bit of hypocrisy here, I feel.

mmrred, you would read exactly that when I have posted on any such thread. Unless there is abuse towards either the mother or child (or both), then of course any father must be allowed access to his child; to be able to form a relationship with that child.

On the sort of thread you mention above, imo there's usually a fairly even balance between 'hang the bastard up by his balls and never let him see your child again'...and 'you are BU. Of course the father has rights and must be allowed to see his child'.

Where Lone Parents are advised to cut contact with a father, it's generally because he is using his contact time to abuse either his children or their mother, or both and because his contact is damaging to his children and even then a thread is very rarely unilateral about it. But in any case, the characterisation of this thread as being "children have a right to a relationship with their father no matter what" is just silly. Most of us are simply saying that the OP is behaving unreasonably to give her DH an ultimatum., both for the sake of this child, her DH and ultimately her own relationship. I hardly think that's particularly controversial tbh and I'm surprised that it is being seen as such. Perhaps some of the advice has been expressed harshly, but the actual sentiments are not particularly outrageous IMO.

Good god, this isn't even AIBU. I don't know how some poor posters can bear to deal with what life has thrown at them AND the mean-spirited (and frankly hideous) wrath of some Mnetters.

Your situation is pretty bloody difficult. You have a stepdaughter who you love, you are clearly not a horrible person. You are probably in shock. You are not insane to have had an ultimatum scenario cross your mind, but you are smart (and humble) enough to ask the opinion of people who are not biased towards you.

Your husband is right to want contact with any child of his (if, of course, the child is his). You are not wrong to feel it's more than you can handle, if that's how you genuinely feel. But don't do yourself down - your love for your husband and stepdaughter may well outweigh the initial reaction against this new child - if the situation unfolds that way, you could end up enjoying and returning the love of two lovely children.
Best of luck.

Well, I'm relatively new here, so I bow to those with more experience of the threads than me. But in all the threads I have read about fathers not deserving contact because they are controlling, or emotionally abusive - I have never seen a post that says 'Well you knew he was abusive when you married him, you can't moan now' which is what has been said to this OP.

And to StewieGriffinsMom - if for whatever reason the NRP doesn't keep up contact with the child, then that is the child's loss. (Obviously this isn't about people who are a danger to the child) Sometimes parents need help dealing with separation issues, and all that is out there are lawyers who get their cash by prolonging parental battles.

In this case, the OP is saying she feels she can't cope with another stepchild. If she had come on saying she was pregnant but didn't feel she could cope with another child and was considering a termination, would she have had the same treatment?

Good Luck Gemz.

mmred - you cannot terminate a child that has already been born! The child is here and he could be the father.

I cannot imagine having a father who chose to see my sister and have nothing to do with me. How awful it would be for the two kids involved to do that? Either see both or walk away before you cause too much damage. You are the adults in all this and you have a choice, the children didnt.

When I got together with my now husband I knew of his daughter but also knew he didnt have any access (due to the BM) suddently after 6 years (and paying CSA) we received a txt asking us to call cos his daughter was asking about him. That was a HUGE shock, I have always thought of myself as no maternal instinct and dislikes kids LOL how things change! and things change 7 months in and our flat is strewn with drawings, toys and a pink bedroom my SD is the most precious thing in the world yet I too didn't feel I could cope financially or emontionally but you do because as soon as you see that child you just do because you'll see your loved husband in that child and that's it game over.

If the child turns out to be his, I think you'll find you will have to as they say roll with the punches and you have done it once so you already are a brilliant SM that makes a difference in a childs life.

Hope it goes well for ALL of you

Hi Gemz23, I understand how you feel. It is too much to ask honestly and whatever you decide, you must not feel guilty. You are as important as any child and your feeling matter just as much. Don't let these people on here het you down. you have ny support xx

I think you need to take your time, see how things go, I know you say you dont feel you can talk to your husband about it right now, but you must tell him how it is making you feel, this will only make things worse.

See how the DNA turns out, and if its is your husband's child he will then need to talk this through with the said mother and also involve you in this, this is as much your life as it is your DH & DSD.

I understand this is a shock for you and I am trying to put myself in your shoes and I would to be very shocked and upset with the whole situation.

However should the said mother allow your DH to have a relationship with this child and your DH wants this too, please dont stand in his way it's so important that the child has a relationship with a father.

Ladies this is a support group, construtive comments are advisable, and not to attack an individual. Gemz23 has come here for our support, you can do this without being abusive.

Gemz23 please keep us posted, on how things are going.