DSD 15 and 17 hate each other

[ConstantconflictstepDds]

Dh has 2 dds from previous marriage aged 15 and 17
I have one dd from my previous marriage also 15.

My dd gets on fine with both individually but the issue is the 2 sisters hate each other. They have never got on and it’s making everyone miserable.
When they stay here they share a room and they argue and fight majority of the time. My dd ends up hiding basically in her room from the confrontations or goes out as much as she can to get away from it.
They both try to get her on their side and she finds it’s stressful.

It is not their fault - their mother has always had a clear favourite (the younger dd) and the older one is just pushed out and furious and hates her sister. Younger dsd is very confident and although can see they are treated differently won’t have a word said against their mother so it’s very difficult.

The arguments into the night stop everyone sleeping sometimes. There’s conflict over everything.

I’ve been suggesting to dh for a while that we need to look at therapy options for them and try to encourage them to stay here more? But he says it’s just sisters fighting and it’s normal ? I only had brothers so i don’t know! He has 3 sisters and says that’s what girls do ?

They have never go on…. And always been lots of fighting and arguing and everyone miserable?

Given their ages can’t they just come separately? They would presumably be better for everyone.

time. My dd ends up hiding basically in her room from the confrontations or goes out as much as she can to get away from it.

Your poor daughter.

Your poor daughter. What on Earth possessed you to bring such a situation into her life? Can she go and live with her father whilst you wrangle with another man's poor choices?

I agree - could they visit separately?

Edited to add - or could your DD go to her dad's while they're with you?

If they hate each other it seems cruel to have them share a room and also if it keeps everyone up because they are fighting it seems illogical. Can you not move the 15 year old in with your DD if she gets on with them and put the 17 year old in her own room? Giving them some space from each other would help especially if you want them to stay with you both more.

If they had the biggest room could you split it so they have their one space. But really I’d only let them stay separately as this sounds awful.

We’ve offered separate days but 17 year old dsd gets incredibly upset and thinks she will get different (worse) treatment which she would never but her mother has damaged her

These girls sound very damaged.

Your husband, their father, seems like a very background figure in all this

If they can't behave when they visit they can't visit.

This is a nearly adult and a 15 year old. Not young children.

How long has this been going on? Why did you move in together and marry without this situation being resolved? How long has your 15 year old had to hide in her own home because of this?

Give the 17 year old her own room.Treat her like the oldest. Give her a later bedtime. More responsibility but trust her to make her own decisions more too.

DSD is 17 and only has a year or two left to have her privacy and to learn skill sets for independent living and social skills that keep her safe.

Would DSD17 like to live mostly with you?

Not at all he’s a very good dad. He works hard to provide for us all, He had to fight through the courts for access , I think because he had volatile sisters growing up he has the wrong idea though that’s my only criticism of him. He tries incredibly hard to calm them down and make sure everything is equal and stable for them but there’s been a lot of damage done. The arguments can be awful and he’s always there trying to mediate calmly. It’s just as good as he is I think they need real help now from professionals

Can't the 17 year old just live with you full time?

And yet his wife is pleading with him to sort therapy because her own daughter is hiding in her room and “everyone is miserable”

and he basically says… suck it up

we only have 3 bedrooms and my dd is here all the time , this is where we have always lived and her room has always been her room. I’d rather work on trying to help dsds with the whole situation so they can start to get along rather than split them up and cause more division and also upset my dd

They need to alternate.

She doesn’t want to. She wants to be with her sister and this is because she wants to constantly monitor the attention level everywhere and she still I think has hope that their mother will stop having a favourite ?

Shanks suggested this and was met with anger from 17 y o wanting to know was it so that we can spend time alone with 15 y o dsd and she won’t allow that as she is equally important.

They need space from each other. Do they share a room at their mum's?

Does she mean shes frightened she would get worse treatment if she was alone with her mother?
Thats alarming, maybe you could offer to have her move in?

You also don’t want the DSD to think there is further favouritism if one of them gets a room to themselves and the other one is sharing with your DD.

It’s a rubbish situation OP. I agree it isn’t normal behaviour. Unfortunately I think the groundwork for sibling relationships is laid much earlier on in childhood. They’d probably need a lot of therapy, some apart. some together and some probably with the mum to unpick this.

Will the 17 yr old be heading off to uni next year? How often do they stay over?

No they have separate rooms there

What is the 17yo’s self esteem like? It must be terrible growing up believing you are second best.

They need therapy, your dh is sticking his head in the sand. Meanwhile you have to advocate for your dd, she needs you to be strong and fight her corner now, she has to be your first priority. So alternate weekends it must be, make it clear this is happening because of the constant fights.