DSD 15 and 17 hate each other

[ConstantconflictstepDds]

Dh has 2 dds from previous marriage aged 15 and 17
I have one dd from my previous marriage also 15.

My dd gets on fine with both individually but the issue is the 2 sisters hate each other. They have never got on and it’s making everyone miserable.
When they stay here they share a room and they argue and fight majority of the time. My dd ends up hiding basically in her room from the confrontations or goes out as much as she can to get away from it.
They both try to get her on their side and she finds it’s stressful.

It is not their fault - their mother has always had a clear favourite (the younger dd) and the older one is just pushed out and furious and hates her sister. Younger dsd is very confident and although can see they are treated differently won’t have a word said against their mother so it’s very difficult.

The arguments into the night stop everyone sleeping sometimes. There’s conflict over everything.

I’ve been suggesting to dh for a while that we need to look at therapy options for them and try to encourage them to stay here more? But he says it’s just sisters fighting and it’s normal ? I only had brothers so i don’t know! He has 3 sisters and says that’s what girls do ?

I think it’s that plus she doesn’t want her sister here getting any treats . She is incredibly jealous. It’s heartbreaking. Often dh is at work when they are here and because the other 2 girls are at school I have chances to chat with her and we will go for a hot chocolate, the angriness is a massive shield it falls away the second I show her 1-1 attention and I’ve noticed how although very intelligent she is she’s also very ‘young’ once that anger slips it’s like she hasn’t had a childhood because she’s been so angry on the surface I don’t know if that makes sense?
Interestingly she shows no jealousy towards my dd except when her sister talks to her as they are the same age she will get angry then tearful.
Dh had to fight for years to get proper contact and even then it was stop and start and back to court as their mother kept blocking it and I think in those years a lot of damage was done

This poor girl needs therapy and has done for years

Terrible. She hates herself and dsd 15 is extremely confident. They looked extremely similar to the point they get asked a lot are they twins but their self images are apart as far apart as you could get despite the striking similarity. One hates her looks the other knows she is really pretty. They are also both intelligent but again 17 y o dsd thinks she’s stupid. Hasn’t been going to college much and we have had a lot of meetings about that too.

Heartbreaking it has got to this point and her father still blithely thinks no need for therapy

This is 5he logical thing to do. But siblings sometimes don't get on, it's quite normal. Sharing a room though does add to the stress.

This is so sad and will follow her into adulthood 😔

I think you need to pull rank on DSD1 not wishing to alternate and saying it’s being trialled because both of their behaviours and arguments are impacting everyone. It could overlap by a day.

Has DD2 been historically easier? Have you both read siblings without rivalry.

The more everyone focuses on being treated/having the same the more it escalates.

Has the 17yo had therapy? The whole situation sounds a mess.
Where is her dad in all this? Is he speaking truth or just keeping his head down?

Not therapy because the dad thinks no need of you can believe it

Could you couch the separate visitation times as being because you enjoy having her by herself so much? Make it about giving her attention rather than her missing out when her sister is there?

‘Dad and I especially enjoy seeing the wonderful young person you are as an individual - you’re such a pleasure to have around and we get the very best of you when you’re not feeling anxious about your issues with dsis. We can have so much more fun one-on-one.’

Trial alternate weekends. It’s not an option. It’s that or neither of them can stay over in future, they just have contact with dad and then go home to mum.

You need to protect your DD from this shitshow.

Definitely get them to come separately. Don’t let it be DSD17 decision to make. It will be better for her to have a break from her sister too.

I’m not really surprised about the arguments if you put 2 sisters into a room together when they don’t get on & don’t usually share.

Yeah he really sounds like an amazing dad. Knowingly moves his daughters into a shared room when they have a seriously damaged relationship, everyone suffers, and he won’t acknowledge any problem. Such a shame the mum did everything wrong all by herself.

who brings these me into their children’s lives!

I think you need to put DSD17 in with your DD, so she doesn’t feel left out and is separated from her sister.

Dad takes older sister out alone and spends time with her. Go pick her up the occasional evening alone and do something like out for dinner or the movies.

Your eldest step-daughter must be mentally exhausted from monitoring her Mum's attitude and behaviour towards her and her sister. Unfortunately, it's not surprising that she resents her sister so much. How is the youngest towards the eldest? Does she rub her sister's nose into the fact, she's favoured?

Sadly, without therapy, your eldest step-daughter will carry this into adulthood. Both children need to see a therapist, but especially the eldest. My ex partner's eldest is in your eldest step-daughter's position. Although the eldest never took it out on his brother. It's damaged him emotionally.

Your husband is burying his head in the sand. Yes, siblings argue and fight but this isn't just normal sibling behaviour. He needs to understand that the siblings relationship may never recover, and his eldest may decide to not have a relationship with her Mum as she gets older.

Can you convert the attic, and give it to the older one?

My dd does not want to share she needs her own space in the house as she is here full time (her dad passed away when she was 12)

Dh has said after I showed him this thread that we will try therapy, he just thought as his sisters were constantly fighting that it was normal but he accepts this is not the same although it looks and sounds the same it’s not just sibling rivalry it’s an engineered situation by his ex to divide them and cause problems.

Their father needs to tell them alternate visits will be happening because they're insufferable and are making everyone miserable, which is 100% optional.

How does any of this benefit and enhance you and your child's lives? I can't see the appeal of having a failure of a father in your house. Going to work instead of being there when his kids visit isn't good enough. (Him) failing to parent, making your child suffer in her own home- find your anger.

You seem to be laying the blame entirely at the door of the mum. I tend to not believe narratives from step mums on the situation with mum, usually information obtained second and third hand, and not something actuall6 witnessed. Your summary of it all sounds like you’re saying dad is great, and their behaviour is all down to mum, even suggesting they stay with you more. DF and dm need to discuss the behaviour and get to the root of it, and be on the same page as what best course of action is going forward.

Her daughter is staying in her room or leaving the house because there's so much conflict and the sds are trying to get her to take sides. That's the last thing she needs, to lose her only refuge.

Split their time. It's no longer their choice because together, their conflict affects everyone in a manner that can't continue.

Maybe your daughter can go to her dad's parents to stay occasionally for a break. Edited because I just saw her dad died just a few years ago. She has a lot to deal with and your husband has brought a shit show into her life.

Your husband needs to get on the stick and arrange therapy for his eldest. You're going to lose your own kid over this if you don't act soon. She's a 15 year old whose home is in chaos and she doesn't want to be there.

The daughters father is dead, she can't escape the awful home environment, sadly.

The 17 year old sounds very hard work and immature. Two of my closest friends are like this about their siblings. One of them had counselling for it and the the other didn't. Both of my friends are very competitive and incredibly jealous. Blaming the mother is a bit simplistic. In both of my friends cases, their mothers overcompensated and tried to give them more attention. It didn't help. I would alternate weekends without giving them the option and also suggest counselling.

I just saw that and edited. That makes OP's daughter's situation even worse.