Feeling caught between partner and teenager in a step-parenting situation

[EagerRoseBiscuit]

I met my partner when my child was just a preschool .
They was a live wire who never sat still a typical child who had just adjusted to co parenting also.
Partner had no kids and straight away had issues with my child behaviour and how little time he spent at his dad. He didn't think toys should be in the lounge or that my child should still need cuddles at bed time. Never took him to his activities or encouraged him, generally just preferred time without them there. We had our own child and toys were now allowed in every room and they got everything. New clothes and shoes toys while my child got none from him.
Brother and sister growing up bickering, fighting and generally annoying eachother is seen as bullying from him.
My son has sensory issues and hates shops and being out his comfort zone. When his activity is finished he wants to go home.
This means he is now not included in things.as he "kicks off and ruins everything for everyone"
I am always fighting his corner.
I see him as a normal teenager while my partner sees him as the worst teen and brother who is wrecking our lives.
Has anyone been here before ?

Why did you let this horrible man make your child's life a misery? What were you thinking?

Honestly, I'd dump the man and try to rebuild your family with your two children being equally loved and having equal time, resources and affection. Try to undo the damage. Apogise to your son and acknowledge your failings.

Or lose him as soon as he is old enough to walk away. He would be completely justified doing that.

I can’t even believe any of this. So this man saw your child as a problem and dictated how he lived in his own home. You thought it was a good idea to have another child with him?
bit late now to be seeing the light isn’t it.

Good grief. Your poor kid.

Such a difficult situation.
Your teenager, no matter how few toys he was allowed in the sitting room, should be able to comprehend that kicking off is toddler behaviour.
Can you teach both your children at the same time about respectful and polite behaviour?
Your DH needs to do his part and model calm, non violent, respectful behaviour to everyone equally. If he can not do that he perhaps should move out until he can.

He's not been doing his part though. Way too late for him to try to be a good adult figure in the teens life. He clearly doesn't like her child.

You should not have allowed this man to enter your child’s life.

It sounds likely that your partner has always disliked your child and sharing your attention, and that he has always treated your child as less than his own child. Your child has likely grown up in an environment where he doesn’t feel wanted by one of the people who lives in his home, and recognises that there is one rule for him, and one rule for his sibling. How did you think that would end for him? Robust self esteem? Great emotional regulation?

This is awful OP. For the sake of your older child you must separate from this man. Otherwise you will lose the chance to have a relationship with him (your child that is).

Absolutely this.

You can't change what's happened but you can try limit the damage by now putting your children first.

You’re not caught between partner and child. You should have stood up for your child. You’ve allowed your partner to treat your child like a second class citizen in his own home. How does his father feel about this? Your partner has behaved horribly towards a child. Are you scared of him? He sounds like a big bully.

Can’t believe I am reading this. Why the hell did you start with him? He sounds hideous. Your poor son.

Fucking hell, what have I just read?

Not only did you keep a man in your child’s life who made no secret of the fact he disliked him, but then went on to have another child with him?

Why do you feel stuck in the middle? You picked your side long ago.

No cuddles at bedtime? Your poor child, honestly.

You’ll get no sympathy from me, and probably not from many others.

No I’ve not been in that situation, nor would I ever be. I cannot fathom how you let a man be so horrible to your child. A lot of your son’s issues as a teenager are probably due to the fact he has grown up in a house with an adult who openly dislikes him. The damage is done.
As others have said, you should split up with the husband and prioritise your child for the first time in his life. Doubt you will listen though.

"He didn't think toys should be in the lounge or that my child should still need cuddles at bed time". I'd get rid of this horrible man. Get your ducks in a row as they say here on Mumsnet.

You're not 'always fighting his corner'. If that was true you wouldn't have considered a relationship with a man who treats him like this.

If you want to be a good mum, put him first and leave your partner.

You chose to have a child with someone who treated your little boy like crap? WTF was happening in your head? Put your children before your sex life!

DD and DP have had their issues, but she’s an adult - why on earth would you stay and procreate with a man who disliked your existing child?? That’s hardly fighting his corner.

No ‘stuck in the middle’ here - you should be on your child’s side, no matter what, and should have been from the beginning.

what a sad situation for your son. It’s emotional abuse and cruelty. You cannot fix this. He has been subjected to this for 10 years. I’m sure the comments are hard to read but what are you doing to do OP.

Why did you pursue a relationships with him? I don’t think there is a solution but I would give hi and ultimatum that he stops this psychological abuse or you will leave. Which I think you should do but I don’t think you will

Why did you continue in a relationship with someone who actively dislikes your DS? So he has suffered years of this treatment?

It isn’t too late to ditch this horrible man.

I was going to say exactly this. Parent of the year you are.....not!

Why did you let your child be around this man and continue a relationship with him when this is how he treated him

I’m so sorry to say this but you sound weak and selfish
not sure what you’re expecting people to say

You've allowed your child to be abused.

A lot of this is on you @EagerRoseBiscuityou went ahead and let him move in and had a child with him knowing he didn’t like your child. Poor boy. Is he getting help ?

Disgusting.

What kind of mother would allow a man that clearly detested her child to become a central figure in his house and life.

What on earth were you thinking? Were you that desperate not to be alone?

That poor boy.