Feeling caught between partner and teenager in a step-parenting situation

[EagerRoseBiscuit]

I met my partner when my child was just a preschool .
They was a live wire who never sat still a typical child who had just adjusted to co parenting also.
Partner had no kids and straight away had issues with my child behaviour and how little time he spent at his dad. He didn't think toys should be in the lounge or that my child should still need cuddles at bed time. Never took him to his activities or encouraged him, generally just preferred time without them there. We had our own child and toys were now allowed in every room and they got everything. New clothes and shoes toys while my child got none from him.
Brother and sister growing up bickering, fighting and generally annoying eachother is seen as bullying from him.
My son has sensory issues and hates shops and being out his comfort zone. When his activity is finished he wants to go home.
This means he is now not included in things.as he "kicks off and ruins everything for everyone"
I am always fighting his corner.
I see him as a normal teenager while my partner sees him as the worst teen and brother who is wrecking our lives.
Has anyone been here before ?

Your poor kid. This is shocking.

The highest rates of child abuse are in houses with a step parent. That aside I cannot believe that you knowingly looked upon and witnessed this differential treatment occurring and stuck with it. You have completely failed your son.

This is on you. A bit rich you're complaining about a situation you created by marrying and having another child with a man who didn't particularly like your child. Awful.

No, no I haven’t been there before. Because I’m not so horribly selfish that I would allow a man who didn’t like him in to my child’s life. I have absolutely no sympathy for you. You put having a partner before your child. You chose to make it even worse by having a child with a man you knew was vile. I have masses of sympathy for your poor son who has been a victim throughout his whole life of your unbelievably selfish choices. Leave this relationship so that you, for once, put your son first.

Do not have childreb toam who stipulates how the house runs and preferswhen your own child is home.
What a mind game. Yuck.

This is how your op should have read …

I met a man when my child was just a preschool . They were a live wire who never sat still, a typical child who had just adjusted to co parenting also. Boyfriend had no kids and straight away had issues with my child behaviour and so I finished my relationship so that I could prioritise my son as continuing this relationship would obviously ruin my child’s childhood.

And you stayed with this man. How did you even get to the point that you had another child when he treated yours so badly. The advice here is LTB but really should have happened 10 years ago - poor boy!

For fucks sake. If your poor child grows up not completely gone off the rails it will be a fucking miracle.

Grow a pair and leave that cunt. I cannot believe you let your child grow up being treated like that.

It seems it never crossed the ops mind that the normal decent parenting thing to do would have been to end any relationship where the man abuses your child.

why the hell did you keep this person around your child? What the fuck?! Straight away had issues? YOUR CHILD IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY PRIORITY.
have an issue with my kid? GTFO!

Surely this is fiction? If it’s not then the OP needs a damn good shake as they’re ruined their child’s life.

Why did you stay with a man who is cruel to your child and have another child with him? Your job as a mother is to protect your child!

Wtf did I just read

He didn't think toys should be in the lounge or that my child should still need cuddles at bed time. Never took him to his activities or encouraged him, generally just preferred time without them there.

HOW did you remain in a relationship with a man who a 5 yr old should.be cuddled at bedtime

Then you decided to BREED with him to firmly lock this shithead into everyone's lives????

A decade on your son is still enduring this.

If you were "always fighting his corner" you'd have stopped failing your son and have left this bastard.

Why on earth did you let this awful man anywhere near your child, let alone live with him and have another baby?

Fucks sake. Your poor son.

Presuming this is a wind up

You’re not caught between them. You threw your child under the bus for this man years ago.

Congratulations OP, you've made a right mess of your child's life. I can't begin to understand why you've tolerated this.

I hope to god this is a wind up but suspect it's not.

As it was posted in the early hours, we can cross our fingers that this is made up , as that’s often a clue.
But unfortunately, as similar crops up frighteningly frequently on these boards, where adults push forwards with mangling families purely for their own interest, and not in their children’s, it could well be true.

Sounds like someone prioritised their own wants and base needs over that of their young child

The kind of behavior you are describing towards your son would have been an absolute deal breaker for me right from the get go. No man (or anything really) is worth making my child feel less than!! If you had really fought your child's corner this man would not have entered your home and life.

Always amazed how people will sacrifice their child's happiness for a partner. I think you know it too OP, your own post suggests you rightly feel guilty. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal, but my mother also did similar, while repeatedly telling me I was the most important thing in her life - the knock on effects have been life changing, and I feel for the child you essentially replaced, all while they watched.

Still, I'm sure your fella was worth it

I'm also reminded of male baboons killing the offspring of mother baboons behind to force them into fertility (same happens with lions, and many other animals). Your lovely man is just doing the same, within the bounds tolerated by society - isolating, separating, replacing. No less nauseating.

Appalling
you have allowed a man to psychologically abuse your son all these years
his self esteem / mental health must be destroyed
obviously you need to remove the man but given you have watched and allowed this to happen for years, I can’t imagine that you will
and now you describe yourself as ‘between’ the man and your son …
any decent mum in this situation would describe themselves as on same side as their son - not between - you are not between because you have enabled this and therefore are standing on the side of this man …and are actively a part of the problem your son has endured

You’ve two issues here.
the first is that man should’ve never been allowed to move in and create such a hostile environment for your child. Your poor child was badly treated at a young age and you allowed it.
secondly his behaviour of kicking off when his activity ends is not really normal teenage behaviour, you need to address that.

You yourself need to learn to set boundaries firstly with this man although that’s far too late and secondly in parenting your son.
should’ve been done years ago and started with not letting him into your home with resentment for a young child

I just hope this isn’t true but it likely is. Kick him out he’s vile to your child.

A old boyfriend of mine had a dad like this.
His dad was typical cocklodger, only moved out of his mother’s house when he found a new wife. Anyway new wife (a widower) has 3DC, 2 lads and a girl who was about 2 years younger than I was. She was studying for her a levels and had a place in the dining room she would leave her books. Her stepfather hated this and would moan about them not being in her room. Every time we popped in he’d pipe up about this wee girls books being in the corner looking scruffy.
I remember talking to her once, she was crying because he had just moaned so much at her studying at her table and I asked her why so upset. She told me her dad used to do her homework with her at the table before he died and it was like he was still with her.
This fucker knew that. He was jealous of her dead father and instead of letting her just keep it he carried on moaning about a small insignificant amount of mess. I said to my then boyfriend to tell him to stop doing it to her. Even said to him to suggest if books annoy him so much to move back to his parents house until her studying is over but obviously nobody said anything to almighty cocklodging Keith. But he made this girl feel like shit in a home that her dad’s life insurance had paid the mortgage on and was being used to fund his holidays. When she got to uni she did something wild. Had sex with all of cocklodging Keith’s 3 sons, (behind each others back, I’d broken up with his son by then) and basically fucked up the relationship between his 3 sons as they all fell for her and she just wanted to cause Keith some trouble (I’m sure that TikTok would have referred to her as a petty queen!) they went years trying to win the heart of the stepsister who kept them all dangled. She wasn’t really interested in any of them. It was driven purely by resentment.
I know they all are married to other women now but for years they didn’t speak, I’m not sure what their relationship is like now, but I saw the eldest son about 10 years ago and he’d not gone to my exes wedding so who knows.
Anyway, Keith (his actual name btw) got his comeuppance and I know his stepdaughter didn’t bother with her mother or even brothers after uni.
It’s sad how one shitty partner can fuck up families.