Feeling caught between partner and teenager in a step-parenting situation

[EagerRoseBiscuit]

I met my partner when my child was just a preschool .
They was a live wire who never sat still a typical child who had just adjusted to co parenting also.
Partner had no kids and straight away had issues with my child behaviour and how little time he spent at his dad. He didn't think toys should be in the lounge or that my child should still need cuddles at bed time. Never took him to his activities or encouraged him, generally just preferred time without them there. We had our own child and toys were now allowed in every room and they got everything. New clothes and shoes toys while my child got none from him.
Brother and sister growing up bickering, fighting and generally annoying eachother is seen as bullying from him.
My son has sensory issues and hates shops and being out his comfort zone. When his activity is finished he wants to go home.
This means he is now not included in things.as he "kicks off and ruins everything for everyone"
I am always fighting his corner.
I see him as a normal teenager while my partner sees him as the worst teen and brother who is wrecking our lives.
Has anyone been here before ?

You are not 'fighting his corner', you are allowing him to be around an awful man who hates him.

You need dump your asshole partner and put your child first.

It always infuriates me when women will choose a man over their own child...

Why did you stay with someone who was treating your child like that and go on to have another child. Why are you still with him ffs.

Another woman putting cock before her child's welfare

A few people have written this, but I’m not sure it is for the sex. I think it’s more likely incredibly low self esteem, to the level that having a man, any man counts, (as it clearly can be one of the shit ones who abuses your child), means ‘success’. You’ve done it, you’ve got a man 💪, you’re better than all those single women ( wouldn’t touch a man like this with a barge pole but let’s ignore that).

op - if you are real, and still reading, as for what you can do about this, it’s probably too late. I expect your son will be long gone as soon as he is allowed, and his chance of not being fucked up as an adult is tiny.

i think if you end this relationship today, offer your son massive apologies for how you’ve enabled his childhood to be ruined, and do some serious work on yourself to work out why on earth you didn’t end your relationship at the start, unpack it all and communicate with your son; there is a sliver of a chance you will be able to repair the damage you caused.

let me guess , the ‘OP’ has posted the OP then not come back…..

Your poor dc.
.

Poor kid, you knew from the start what this man was like but chose him over your child.
If you want to try and make his life better the only thing you can do is get rid of vile man and hopefully then your child can have some peace and thrive.
You need to make amends , your child needs to live without being abused.

You reap what you sow. Maybe it's time to choose your eldest over a bad marriage.

Please get rid of this nasty abusive man. You should never have hooked up with someone who was so horrible to your child, your child's wellbeing is more important than your sex life. You have now complicated it more by having a child with him and that means you can't get him totally out of your life but you can get him.out of the life of your eldest child. In future do not allow any adult into your life who isn't on board with your children's wellbeing being your first priority.

This is ever so sad.

OP I’m a step parent myself and yes, the kids do drive me mad sometimes with their mess. Similarly to your partner I moved in when the children were quite young. And I did crack down on the living room and dining room in our small home being a giant toy box myself, it was completely out of control and there were more broken toys than workable where nothing was being looked after. But it was a thing where I got the kids on board to do it with me (storage solutions and what could be donated, what couldn’t be salvaged), redecorated their bedroom so that they’d actually enjoy playing in there, a new desk area downstairs for crafts so we didn’t have paint on the carpet again, not a unilateral ‘nothing comes into the common areas’. There is a way to get a less messy house and bullying isn’t the way. You can make effective change with kindness.

that being said it’s too late for your partner to change and suddenly be kind to your son, if he was going to be a decent human being he would be by now.

I don’t imagine you leaving him is an option, or you’d have done it before you had a child with him.

is there a chance your son can go to his father as the primary residence? I know this may not be what you want, and yes your son may see it as being pushed out, but for his own mental health he shouldn’t be living under the same roof as someone who’s unkind to him. It’s so damaging.

I would suggest therapy for you to try to understand why this has got so far. Are you frightened of him? Just a very passive person?

i’m nobody to judge but as a step parent, not even biological, if I ever thought they weren’t physically or mentally safe with my DH I would not hesitate to get in touch with their mum to come and get them. If I suspected their stepdad at mums house was like yours, I’d fight tooth and nail for them to be here permanently, but I know their mum would not let this happen to them. When you are responsible for children - as parent or step - it’s the adults job to make sure they grow up as least fucked up as possible. Do the right thing for your boy. If you can’t leave DP then your son needs to go where he’s emotionally safe.

I have some similar issues in that my dh thinks I baby ds (my bio son) and has less tolerance for teen attitude that I tend to let slide. However he does genuinely love him and would never show the level of cruelty, favouritism and blatant dislike that your dh has shown to your son.

Genuine question…how do you think it has affected your child to grow up around a man who has nothing but contempt for him?

It can be normal for stepdads (and bio dads, in fact all parents really) to butt heads with teenagers as they grow up and start pushing boundaries. But from what you’ve written it sounds like your dh has never liked or accepted your son. Why did you marry him?

Your child needs trauma therapy if he's not having it already.

Hopefully MN add a content warning to the title so other victims of child abuse don't read that horrifying opening post.

(just to add to my post, I sadly know the impact of being made to live with an angry male/someone who hates you, so I know the damage it causes.
The only way to begin to chip away at trying to make your child's life a bit better for the final years of his childhood is by removing the boyfriend from your property, and quality child therapy, centred on trauma.)

Please save your child. They need a safe and loving home. They don't have this.

It isn't about sex, it's about having a man in their life over their child.

I don’t understand why you went on to have a child with this person and why you are putting your first child through this

You have never been in your sons corner.

It’s 100% believable. And happens with blended families all the time. Terrible for the kids.

So your husband was a cunt to your son but you thought it was a fantastic idea to let him impregnate you with another one. Jesus. I really hope this is a wind up.

What gets me at the end of the op is the simple ‘has anyone been here before?’ As if it’s a totally normal and reasonable thing to do to force your child to live with someone who hates him. And then wonder how it went wrong?!?

So you've condemned your child to living with a man who treats him as a second class citizen?

Why on earth did you continue your relationship with him and have a child with him when he was so intolerant of your dc? That was really poor behaviour on your part op. You’re supposed to put your child first! Not the needs of some random bloke!!!

So he was horrible from the get go and you continued to inflict him on your poor child, and then had a child with this bully?

Utterly and completely dreadful.
Poor child.

To be honest I usually try to stick up for blended families because I hate the stereotypical vitriol and prejudice that MN throws at anyone who dares to have another relationship when they already have a child. My son has a stepfather, I had a stepfather. Both of whom are wonderful men who enriched mine and my dc lives. It isn’t always abuse and emotional damage and ‘putting cock before your children’ (gross).

However this thread is proof that it can go badly wrong sometimes and when that happens it’s your duty as a mother to protect and prioritise your dc. They live by the choices you make and you have clearly made one here that has impacted your son very badly whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

You need to leave him @EagerRoseBiscuit and put your older child first.