How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

What is your husband doing about it?

They sound horrible.

I think you should rejoice that you’ve reached such a great decision.

Do nice things for yourself and spend time with friends.

Leave husband to deal with his adult kids as he sees fit.

You just enjoy the peace and don’t be goaded or guilt tripped by any of it.

Best of luck !

Lots of biological families don’t get on.

They are all adults so really all you can do let your DH get on with them and remain civil at other times.

Did you come into their lives quite soon after your DH split from their mum? I’m just wondering if there’s resentment or they just dislike you as a person

They're his daughters no matter what they've done and it's unrealistic to expect him to not see them on their special occasions. What do you want him to do?

They sound like "mean girls".

Can you clarify a few things:

• When the girls were younger, how often were they actually at Dads / Yours? Was it an EOWE type thing? And what ages roughly were they when you came into their lives (teens presumably?).

• Is the daughter with the child the "ringleader" or are all 3 equally as bad?

• You say you cut them out of your life a year ago but later reference you being forbidden from events... do they really tell your DH you aren't invited?

• What are the family events you refer to? Events solely with them or with extended family?

They are adults and she is his wife and as such his primary relationship. My husband spends time with his daughter alone but for any big family get together if I dont attend he doesn't he loves me and says he is not willing to pretend I dont exist or act like his old family structure remains. It's up to your husband to stand up for you. Of course they need alone time but erasing you is not acceptable. You don't have to like each other but manners and politeness is a minimum

You’re not okay with being excluded but you made the decision to cut them out of your life?

It sounds like your DH’s relationship with his children will suffer. DH’s decision to make.

@suppahgswhat do you want your husband to do? What does drawing a line look like?
I vote just let them get on with it but you need to decide if that’s ok for you. If not, is it enough of an issue to end the marriage over?

I don’t understand. You chose to cut them out and now are complaining about being excluded when they go to family events, but you don’t mind him seeing them? I’m very confused.

OP has said she has cut her husband's children out of her life. That's her choice but it shouldn't mean her husband can't see his daughters at family events. My primary relationship is with my children and they will always be my priority. I wouldn't put anyone before that. I suspect if OP were to force the issue, her DH would choose his children!

Why should they like you or have anything to do with you if they don't want to. Just accept that it is how it is and let your DH handle the relationship with his family.

You cut them out of your life. You should not also be controlling what he does when he sees them.

Are you really arguing over whether he can meet them for lunch or the park?

Regardless of the goings on in the past, and your relationships with the girls, it's not right to be asking a father to reduce/minimise/negatively impact the relationship with his children. If they're being actively rude, he needs to tackle that, but not allowing you a grandmother role and declining to spend time with you, is not the same as being rude.

Maybe she wants him to tell his daughters that he will no longer be attending family occasions, unless his wife of 18 yrs is welcomed, too?

You're not happy hes spending money on quality time with his kids/grandkids, but aren't fussed if it's free and just time?

You decided to cut them out? Deal with it.

Honestly, it sucks, but can't you try to build bridges? If your not willing to try then i dont think it's fair to expect their dad/grandad to follow your lead.

Seems like you did alot for them growing up so are you not attached emotionally to them or whats done is done?

If 2 adults don't want to spend time together that is fine but you can't control what they do at all, no

Why would you want to make his children feel uncomfortable? Why should he lose out on time with his grandkids?

No one should ever be forced to spend time with someone they don't like or want around just to see someone they do like, what good does that do?

What’s the backstory?

Cat poop on the floor and she has a baby?!

Jesus OP, that's horrendous.

I don’t understand, if you cut them out of your life then why are you complaining about not being included? What did you think was going to happen?

I'd just concentrate on spending time with your son and your husband and completely ignore them. So what if he goes out to lunch with his daughters? Go out to lunch with your son/friends/family if you don't want to be left at home.

It's not going to change so either settle in for another 18 years of it or leave. Those are your choices.

If you've made the decision to cut them out of your life then I don't think you can complain if they do the same to you.

You sound like you want to control what your DH does with his children whilst he's with them so it doesn't upset you, and by extension punishes them for rejecting you. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. You have chosen not to have any kind of relationship with them, you cannot then dictate what relationship their father has with them or he will just end up lying to you to keep the peace.

It doesn't matter what you would or wouldn't do if it was your son acting the same way, that's hypothetical and not the same relationship.

I think you're angry about being rejected and you want to remotely punish them for not wanting you around. It will blow up in your face if you keep going down that route.

What do you want? Not having to see them sounds like a blessing; he has to suffer them, you don’t.

Can’t you just enjoy the peace? This is what I do.

I remember Timothy West, the actor and husband of Prunella Scales, said that a positive aspect of his wife’s dementia was that he was able to see his daughter ( not Prunella’s) more often. Timothy looked after Prunella devotedly and he loved her dearly but Prunella wrote out his daughter from his first marriage for many years. All the focus was on their joint sons. He was able to re establish a close relationship with his daughter towards the end of his life. Ditto Jilly Cooper’s step daughter. I always felt sorry for her. She was marginalised for most of her Dad’s life. However, I noticed that Jilly’s will was split three ways, the step daughter was included along with Jilly’s two adopted children.
I actually think the child parent relationship is the strongest. Couples divorce all the time ( well over half). Your children are your children forever. Statistically and sociologically, the relationship between a woman and step daughters is problematic. Women are far less likely to embrace female non biological relatives. MILS, SILS and step daughters complaints appear on MN far more than other relationships.
The Father and daughter relationship may well outlast a marriage. It is always right to facilitate the relationship even if it means the OP steps back from family events.

Maybe she does but given that OP has stated that she has cut his daughters out of her life, I think that's unreasonable. Why would she want to attend when it would be uncomfortable for everyone? He DH is entitled to see his children and grandchildren.