How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

I should clarify that the decision to "take them out of my life" was more like a time I chose to just not respond to them to protect my mental health. The eldest daughter had blocked me from her phone anyway, and his younger daughter was relating everything I said to her to the eldest daughter (it all comes back to my husband). And I mean EVERYTHING. I can't speak to her even about innocuous things without whatever I've said making the rounds and being turned into something bad. For example, I explained that I was not comfortable talking about family issues in front of the eldest's then boyfriend, because to me he is still kind of a stranger. This became I'm saying he isn't accepted and is "a stranger to me". Stuff like that. The more I said to them, the worst it got. I had NO choice.

I am not saying he should lose out on his granddaughter. He sees her quite regularly. What I'm not ok with is family gatherings without me, like I'm a cancer. I wouldn't go where my husband is forbidden and sorry, I expect the same from him. Going to the park to see your granddaughter is another matter.

Per my second post: I should clarify that the decision to take them out of my life was more like a time I chose to just not respond to them to protect my mental health. The eldest daughter had blocked me from her phone anyway, and his younger daughter was relating everything I said to her to the eldest daughter (it all comes back to my husband). And I mean EVERYTHING. I can't speak to her even about innocuous things without whatever I've said making the rounds and being turned into something bad. For example, I explained that I was not comfortable talking about family issues in front of the eldest's then boyfriend, because to me he is still kind of a stranger. This became I'm saying he isn't accepted and is "a stranger to me". Stuff like that. The more I said to them, the worst it got. Another example would be my husband butt dialed the youngest daughter while we were in a sea kayak on the ocean. He started asking her about her day! I was scared to death as some waves were swamping the front of the boat and was imploring him to talk to his daughter later. This was me telling him he can't talk to his daughter, apparently. Sometimes, you have to realize that more interaction is only going to make it worse.

No, I came into his life a good five years post-divorce. The bio moms (there are two) here are horrible people who vilified me before I even spoke one word to them. They hold a large part of the responsibility for why things aren't good. They set up their daughters to hate me from day one.

They would come over every Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend. The girls were 9, 11, and 17 when I met DH.

The eldest is absolutely the ring leader.

They only invite him and have told him they don't want me to attend. I've never even met his granddaughter, after months of being set up as the grandmother here during the eldest's pregnancy. It's very hot and cold. Sometimes, they're ok for a time, but inevitably, some small thing sets the eldest off and then everything descends from there into hate. I've been "uninvited" so many damned times.

The events have included the granddaughter's birthday, other birthdays, Christmas, everything.

Here s the thing for me: I would NOT go where my husband isn't invited. I feel that is part of marriage - the partnership comes first. I would not expect him to just be left out like some virus while I go out with my daughters whom I know are terrible to him. That would be me agreeing that it's ok to treat him as they do and leave him out. I would expect them to behave appropriately to their stepfather who has done NOTHING to them. If they can't do that, then I would focus on my granddaughter and meet at a park or something to play with her. It's not the baby's fault, of course! I'm not asking my husband to abandon anyone - I just want to be included in the "anyone".

What ages were they when you came into their lives and are you saying that they treated you like crap for 18 years? I'd have changed the dynamics of this relationship a long time before now if that's the case.

And what is your DH doing while all this is going on. I'm presuming there's a lot history leading up to now?

Edit: x over in posts, just seen the update

Thanks for saying this! I completely agree.

This issue here is your husband and the fact that he needs to get a bloody backbone and stand up for you in these situations.

Why wasn’t he the one speaking to his daughter about the way she left his house?

He sounds like he wants to sit on the fence and not offend or upset anyone but by doing that he’s actually doing both things to his own wife.

I'm saying that they are hot and cold, but the cold is terrible and I don't deserve it. The eldest is inviting me to come see the baby, but when we try to make plans, tells her father that I am not welcome. Her boyfriend does the same. They dangle her then say no and I'm so done with these games. Even during times of peace, they are always in the background, gossiping about me and turning everything I say and do into something terrible. It's time for my husband to take a stand. I've been patient long enough.

You’re not going to win this one OP. This man has raised mean girls. He wants to be in their lives. You and them don’t get on. If you try to control him you’re going to lose him too. That’s up to you.

THIS! Thank you!

More than patient. I'd be elsewhere any time they planned to visit. I hope they don't have keys!

I expect him not to ignore it when his daughters are vicious toward me. The fact that they are his daughters doesn't entitle them to treat his wife any way they want. It also shouldn't mean that I have to hide in a corner because they decided I am not worthy. He can see his daughters, of course,. I have not asked him to never see them, just to draw a line in the sand. Going to their houses to say hi is one thing. I have asked that when I am not invited to a family gathering, that he support me and not go, as I would do for him without even being asked.

I clarified in my second post that by "cutting them out" I mean I am not actively talking to them at the moment. I needed a big break for the sake of my mental health.

I would not ask him never to talk to them or see them is what I'm saying. I fully acknowledge that they are his daughters and he wants to stay in their lives. It just feels awful to me that they can treat me this way and the solution isn't talking together, or him having expectations of his daughters when they are nasty towards me, it's acting like nothing has happened by simply excluding me.

You know, I am not exactly ecstatic every time I have to see them, but I don't make that known to them. I also don't act abusively towards them. It's the bare minimum of civility that I am asking for, and not to be cut out of everything just because his daughters said so. They don't have to like me, but they absolutely do need to respect me.

Wow, some of these posts are mean! Per my other post, I clarified that what I mean by "cutting them out" is that I have taken a break from direct communication. I don't control my husband and he sees his daughters when he wants. I just don't agree that erasing me and going on like nothing happened is ok. Some conversation needs to happen here.

Can't you just not get involved? Just let your husband spend time with his children without rules and restrictions. The park is ok, but not a family gathering, what if they're all at the park? What if they have a picnic? Does that become an event?

And seriously if your husband was complaining this much about your son, and wanting you not to see him and "take a stand" against him, declaring he'd gone no contact with your son, would you not want to get rid of the husband?

Thanks for this! This is also how I feel. The solution to discomfort between family members shouldn't be to exclude the target of the bullying that is going on. We need to talk to resolve things, not just take me out of the equation with no regard to my feelings and go on as though nothing ever happened.

How is it abusive to not invite you to something? You’ve cut contact to protect your mental health, but when they do the same it’s apparently abuse? You don’t appear to like them very much so why insist on being invited to family gatherings?

In what way do you feel you are carrying emotional baggage for people who aren't part of your life? I don't understand that. I also don't understand why you want to prevent your DH from attending family events you wouldn't even want to attend. You don't like his family, your not happy when you see them. Why not just let him continue his separate relationships with them?

I haven't cut his daughters out - I shouldn't have worded it like that. It's much more like taking a vacation from interacting with them directly, as everything I say to them is twisted and used against me. Also, his oldest daughter removed me first by blocking me from her phone. Believe it or not, this is all about me insisting that his daughter not treat me like Cinderella and clean up the guest room she occupied with her boyfriend and cat for over six weeks. They stayed for free, with dinners made for them. These are the types of things I have done for her, but as soon as I ask her to clean up her room (she's 35 - shouldn't that conversation be a thing of the past?) she cuts me out of her life. There's also the time I took her to a baby store to get her a stroller and car seat. I got her the top of the line for $1400. She stood at the cash register with me and heard the cashier tell us it was a final sale. The next day she told her father she doesn't want it because she is still mad at me over having insisted that she or her boyfriend or both clean the guest room. She stood there and let us waste $1400. Her father had to beg her to please take them for the baby's sake. This is what I'm dealing with!

If it's uncomfortable for everyone, that's not all my fault. Some conversation needs to happen here, along with some apologies. They all need to stop acting like just taking me out of the equation makes everything ok. It's not ok for me. It requires me to be the one who has to live with all the feelings while they act like nothing happened. They don't have to own ANY of their crappy behaviour - in a sense, I do instead. I don't adore my stepdaughters, but I am willing to interact with them respectfully. All I am asking for is the same in return. If his daughters can't even do that, why should my husband prioritize them?

Can not believe some posts.OP the least you deserve is some respect as the wife of their dad. They are not stroppy teens but grown woman. You DH should absolutely back you

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your husband not to go to things if you’re not invited, especially involving his children but I mean generally too. You do not come as a pair, you are individuals.

His daughters sound unpleasant but they also don’t have to accept you and invite you to things. That’s the reality of it.
If you can’t accept that’s how it is then maybe you need to reconsider staying married.

What I absolutely wouldn’t accept is him leaving you and your child alone for big events like Christmas etc

He can have time with his girls but shouldn’t be fucking off to theirs on Xmas day if you’re not invited unless it’s a quick morning visit to do presents.

Don't know why I get the feeling their will be a completely different side to this story which does not cast you in the innocent light you're trying to cast yourself in here. Leave him to it with his kids I get the feeling the man can't do right for doing wrong,you seem to wan to push him into a pick me or them scenario and they rarely go the way a person wan tsnit to . Is it really such a hardship for him to spend a few hours a week with his daughters without you ,I don't think not matters what they do and you don't want to be their anyway it should be a non issue