How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

It sounds like you mishandled a situation and lost the plot with them. They didn’t want to speak to you. You then said you don’t want anything to do with them and now you are complaining because you want to be involved. You sound like you are the problem quite honestly and your posts read like you sacrificed everything for them. Infact you chose to get with a single dad of 3 girls. Time to stop playing the victim I think.

If announcing that you won’t talk about family issues in front of one of the daughters boyfriend because he’s like a stranger to you is typical of your behaviour, then I think there’s certainly more to this than meets the eye.
I think children trump partners. I’d put my son before any romantic partner, no matter how long the relationship.

You don't like them.

They don't like you.

I cannot understand why you now want to be included in family events.

Sounds to me like you just want the win of them being forced to be respectful.

It won't make it any better anyway, tensions will just flare up again.

Just leave them all to it and enjoy some quality me time.

Why would you want to go to any event they were at anyway- it seems it’s an issue because you either like the drama of forcing him to choose or you just want to punish them by being there when you know they don’t want you there?!
He can’t be spending that much time with them. I think you need to find more to fill your time and stop fixating on their lives. Couples don’t need to do everything together.
They don’t see you as their family and you attending an event won’t change that. They don’t want you having a relationship with their children because they don’t like you. Stop forcing it. Move on. It is not unreasonable for a parent to see their adult children alone. You sound controlling.

Your husband should prioritise them because they are his daughters, and by the sounds of it no one has prioritised them other than him in their lives.

The fact that everyone involved is an adult means that there is no reason for people who don't like each other to spend time together. You don't like them and they don't like you, so it makes perfect sense that he sees them on his own and you don't see them.

A good partner does not interfere with their other half's meaningful relationships. You are unfortunately letting your ego turn you into a crap partner.

Wow, there’s some really mean comments on this thread. It sounds like OP has done her absolute best with his daughters - including letting her spare room be trashed with cat poo and her antique desk being wrecked. That on top of bailing his daughters out with money and being there during all their life drama - but somehow OP just has to put up with them bullying her and she is a ‘crap partner’ if she objects?

Sorry you’re dealing with this OP.

You replied three times to Queen of Destruction's supportive post. If you magnify anyone on 'your side' that much in real life, I imagine you're rather hard work.

You claim you are carrying all the emotional baggage. What baggage? There isn't any. The one you most dislike already blocked you and you decided last year to not have anything to do with the others. All baggage removed.

You wouldn't talk in front of her boyfriend because 'he's a stranger.' Rude.

Your husband butt dials his daughter and then, like most sane parents, has a quick chat when he realises. You get all drama llama about getting swept out to sea.

He's 'allowed' to meet his granddaughter in the park but 'not allowed' to meet them in a restaurant. That's ridiculous.

He can get together with his daughters and granddaughter whenever he wants. Just because the relationship between you and the daughters broke down it doesn't mean he can't have get togethers with them.

You say 5 women can't stand you - the three daughters and the two ex wives. I'm sensing a theme.

I’m only up to here, but it sounds like in your mind it’s absolutely fine in the times when you have made the decision to cut them out of your life to protect your mental health, but somehow it’s not fine when they do the same?
essentially you ‘blow hot an cold too’ don’t you?

I think it’s wrong to stop him going to family events even if they are mean girls.

Truly horrible post.

Again. Why is it ok for you to ‘take a break’ but somehow when they’re the ones wanting to ‘take a break’ that’s not acceptable to you?

You should do what you want to do (i.e. not see them), but you should not try to dictate what your husband does or when he sees them as that is controlling behaviour. Let him manage his own relationship with his DDs independently of you.

He should be able to meet his children and grandchildren where he wants, and that includes parks, restaurants and occasionally at his own home (but yes, you're free to go out on those occasions so you don't have to see them).

A tale as old as time.

All you can do is remove yourself. You can't control other people's behaviour, only your own, and why you would want to shoehorn yourself into social situations with people who make you feel like "cancer" (quite a strong term) I don't know.

Drop the rope, support your husband to have a relationship with HIS children and grandchildren, because you're about to lose the lot if you make him choose. They don't have to respect you, you're wrong about that. That's not how it works.

OP I don't mean to come over all Mel Robbins here but ... let them.

As someone in a similar position, I just can’t see why you want to see them?

Just enjoy not having to suffer their drama.

The tone of that post might be a bit strong but it does have an element of truth.

There are some very clear double standards and patterns emerging that shouldn't be ignored just to champion one side of the story.

Why? She's done pretty much everything she's accused her stepdaughters of doing bar making a mess in a spare room.

She's excluded someone, escalated drama, laid down the law about who can see whom and where, over eggs anyone agreeing with her and accuses others of being controlling.

Totally disagree that this a horrible post. It might not be nice to hear, sure, but it’s correct. There is no value in the long run for the op in simply validating her position as right. It is very easy to read between the lines and the clues the op has dropped along the way, that the other side of this would be presented very very differently.

This. And this is why it suggests a controlling nature. The op can’t possibly want to be at these events when no one there likes her. So, there must be a different agenda for why she wants to go.

I don't think they should have to invite you to everything. I certainly wouldn't be happy if I never saw my father without my step mother. I would also think it weird if he never took me and his grandkids for lunch because his wife didn't like it. You're wrong to control what they do when together.

Basic courtesy should be a given though between adults.

I totally disagree that as the wife you are the primary relationship. His daughters should (and it seems do) come first regardless of their age. I think you're putting him in a horrible position, expecting him to miss family gatherings with his blood family just because they don't like you.

Why are you funding them?
Are you the higher earner?

Stop paying a penny towards them.
This money should have been for your son.

Your husband allows this because he doesn't care enough about you.

Move on with you life.

I agree. I think perhaps OP you aren’t quite realising how/where you’ve gone wrong in some of these. Eg your kayaking example - to me that’s extremely obvious why it would upset your SD, and so I’m surprised you used it as an example of you doing nothing wrong. Yes I absolutely see why it is logical that your husband spoke to his daughter later, but surely you can see from his daughters perspective it could come across that you don’t like her dad speaking with her? It’s really obvious to me. I wonder if you’ve made lots of unwitting faux pas. It sounds like a messy situation and I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in it.

Except no one complained when she paid off all their student loans or supported their school events or laid on the successive Xmas feasts yr after year, but no, she's nothing to them, just their father's wife. Bloody cheeky users!.

But that is all she is... their father's wife.