How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

You don't like them, they don't like you. It doesn't sound that there's ever going to be a chance to resolve that to be honest, no matter who was in the wrong initially.

So why not just let it go? Let your husband have his relationship with his daughters, and his relationship with you, and never the twain shall meet.

Why is is a big deal that the daughter stayed with how dad ‘for free’ charging my children to stay mit me if they need to wouldn’t even occur to me

Hi op why do you want to attend anything with them there. They don’t like you would you not rather spend your time with people who like you. Life is too short to be out with people who don’t care for each other. I think I would be thrilled not to go and be false with them. You shouldn’t have to make your dh choose between you and them would you really be willing to lose your only son because of your marriage. Yes his daughters are disrespectful to you but hot and cold is mind games don’t give them the opportunity to be flaky with you. Your dh has shown you his choice by going alone but marriage is more than having shitty issue with stepkids. Your marriage can carry on even without them in your life also you can’t be asked to do childcare this can be a bonus if it’s something you don’t want to do.

What makes you think she laid on successive Christmas feasts year after year. The daughters were all in majority care of their mothers, who they likely spent at least half their Christmases with.

I suspect the rest of her contributions might also look less martyr-like with the full details, but either way, you can’t purchase relationships. If you’re going to gift things to people and then resent them because it doesn’t produce the kind of relationship you want, it wasn’t really a gift but a bribe.

You are very emotionally enmeshed with a bunch of people you say you want to go Low Contact with. I propose that further emotional distance would make you happier. It's ok to not give them this much mental energy.

Yes, there's a book by an American PhD author called The Step Monster which examines the incredible social bias against step mothers. You can see it clearly in this thread - so far only one person has commented on the appaling behaviour of the daughter who lived in OP's spare room for six weeks yet behaved in such an uncivilised way.

You are well rid of the 3 daughters.
If they do invite you to anything say you are busy.
3 sisters together can cause so much drama if they decide to gang up on somebody.
They were just using you .
Let dh go to any events he wants with them.
That wouldn't bother me at all.

Correction, she lived with her father and her step mother for 6 weeks in their home. Not in the OPs spare room. I'm sure the father would not thank you for erasing him from the picture!

I'm a step mother myself and have been for over two decades and I think it's disingenuous to claim victim status when the situation is a lot more nuanced and complex than some would argue.

Both sides have probably behaved poorly but it is currently the OP who is trying to control the situation and punish her husband's children further, despite claiming she doesn't want to be involved. That is not healthy or rational behaviour.

They sound horrible, very sorry for you. I’m sick of all the posts basically saying that anything someone’s child does is excusable & that the SM should just lump it. When they’re young kids then of course that’s different, but when they’re adults nope. You’re his wife, you’ve stepped up time and time again. You’re asking for basic respect. Period. If your DH wants to standby that behaviour from 3 ungrateful adult women, that’s very sad.

That sounds awful. Being excluded and he goes along and enjoys himself as if you don't exist is a poor show on him. Sadley, I don't think things will ever change.

I experienced similar. A man I had been dating for 7 years, met his sons with ex wife for family things - birthdays, Christmas, etc. I was never invited, although when she was with a partner he used to be invited. The ex wife treated the previous partner the same as I was treated. So it had been that way for many years. Children were adults. He doesn't like confrontations and so has gone along with this since he split with first wife and throughout dating next lady for around 9 years and then me for 7 years. Split with wife, her decision when she had an affair when the youngest was around 4. Whenever, I raised why wasn't I invited he just said he wanted to do things as a family unit since his children (by then adults) liked to see them all together. Sounded a bit like playing pretend happy families for ocassions.

In the end I distanced myself since I got fed up with being excluded when it suited them to get together. Just felt pushed to one side when it suited and it wasn't a pleasant feeling knowing you'd never be in an actual real partnership, just a dating thing. However, some people are quite happy with that so up to the individual really.

You have to do what works for you @suppahgs , although having a 'partner' if you can call someone that who doesn't care if person they are with is excluded, isn't pleasant and erodes away at the relationship.

Good luck

I agree. It reflects poorly on her partner that he would allow them to treat someone he is with that way.

They sound shitty but you’re worse. Just because they don’t like you (a random woman their father met regardless of how long ago) they can’t have their father at special events? They want to pretend you don’t exist - so? Let them.

if you can’t handle it you should leave your husband not expect him to cut of his children. Also I didn’t notice anything about the middle child so seems like you’ve just tarred her with the same brush.

the kid isn’t your grandkid, hopefully you’ll have your own in time. Let it go

I think you and your husband are individuals. His daughters were in his life first. You have determined that you spent long enough trying to build a relationship with them and are no longer willing to do so. That is fine. But he should be able to make his own determination and have his own relationship with them. That doesn't have to mean big family meals where everyone pretends you don't exist. But it doesn't have to mean refusing to attend unless you are invited as well.
If you are hurt and feel that you are the only one suffering when he does spend time with them, your options are to 1) take steps to try and mend some bridges with them and join in to some extent 2) plan your own wonderful things when he is with them so you are not missing out or 3) make him choose between seeing them or seeing you.
3) is a bad option. 1) may work out but depends how awful the daughters are and how much you are willing to pit up with. 2) is the only one entirely within your control.

What's being missed in so many of these responses is simple objectivity. That DOESN'T mean this situation is simple, by any means. There are many feelings and emotions at play, when a divorce occurs with children, especially when a parent marries again.

Sadly, there are no easy answers. Sounds like OP has sincerely tried to be there for step daughters and husband over the course of the marriage. This is NOT an easy thing to do, b/c daughters tend to be particularly guarded with their fathers - especially if father is a loving devoted dad. Step-mom comes into a hornets nest, so she's going to need to be solid and far "bigger" than the emotions that will be in full force as everyone navigates the years through to daughters adulthood.

Once adulthood is reached, if not already done, there should be boundaries set, which encourages reasonable respect and inclusivity of all, regardless of feelings. NOTE: We all have "feelings" about family members (blood or not), which fluctuate. Barring any nasty or mean behavior on any individuals part, there must be loving "policies" set forth and reinforced by bio parents in a mixed marriage situation.They also should be reinforced by bio dad.

"Alone time" should be planned for dad/daughters (lunches/dinners for example) but holidays should always include step mom. Excluding someone because they "feel they can" is modeling a very negative behavior. Again, barring nasty or hateful behavior by step mom, dad should insist on inclusion over holidays. It's just wrong to exclude people - it serves no purpose but to hurt feelings, and further the divide.

Modeling "civil" behavior is the benchmark of decency and at the very least, a form of grace and kindness.

It's a very daunting role - to be a step-mom of girls. I've done it. No matter how kind - the girls were so brainwashed by mom that they were forbidden to show any kindness towards me. It's sad b/c bio mom was only projecting her insecurities on daughters which they have carried through adulthood. It's been 23 years and my step-daughters really want nothing to do with me. Thus, I've gotten the hint! However, I have a step daughter from my first marriage and she's like a daughter to me. She chooses to spend holidays with me and family every year...so I'm grateful for that.

I wish the OP well. She has an uphill challenge...to make peace with the rejection and stay strong through it all.

Sounds like she cut them out to soon 😂 and is now realising the consequences of that is not seeing the baby so now she wants back in