How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

You don't like them, they don't like you. It doesn't sound that there's ever going to be a chance to resolve that to be honest, no matter who was in the wrong initially.

So why not just let it go? Let your husband have his relationship with his daughters, and his relationship with you, and never the twain shall meet.

Why is is a big deal that the daughter stayed with how dad ‘for free’ charging my children to stay mit me if they need to wouldn’t even occur to me

Hi op why do you want to attend anything with them there. They don’t like you would you not rather spend your time with people who like you. Life is too short to be out with people who don’t care for each other. I think I would be thrilled not to go and be false with them. You shouldn’t have to make your dh choose between you and them would you really be willing to lose your only son because of your marriage. Yes his daughters are disrespectful to you but hot and cold is mind games don’t give them the opportunity to be flaky with you. Your dh has shown you his choice by going alone but marriage is more than having shitty issue with stepkids. Your marriage can carry on even without them in your life also you can’t be asked to do childcare this can be a bonus if it’s something you don’t want to do.

What makes you think she laid on successive Christmas feasts year after year. The daughters were all in majority care of their mothers, who they likely spent at least half their Christmases with.

I suspect the rest of her contributions might also look less martyr-like with the full details, but either way, you can’t purchase relationships. If you’re going to gift things to people and then resent them because it doesn’t produce the kind of relationship you want, it wasn’t really a gift but a bribe.