How should I handle being excluded by my husband's adult daughters?

[suppahgs]

My husband has three daughters and I have one son. Long story short, his daughters turn on me all the time. They triangulate with their dad, who is scared to death of them being unhappy and not visiting him. All kids are adults and living on their own.

One of his daughters had a baby last year. It's my husband's first grandchild. I was told I would have a grandmother role in this baby's life, but my stepdaughter decided to punish me because of an argument over the way she left our guest room after she and her fiancée and their cat stayed with us for free for six weeks (garbage everywhere, my antique desk ruined, my shoes piled on top of each other so they could have that last quarter of the closet, cat poop on the floor, etc.) She has left me out of all things involving this baby. She also blocked me from her phone. This is after asking me to make her a baby shower (her bio mom is useless) then cancelling it, only to make a shower for herself and not invite me.

I decided about a year ago to cut all of my husband's kids out of my life. After 18 years of trying, I'm done. I've done it all - lend money, be there when tragedy strikes, go to all the games and the practices, taken care of them in their youths, taken them on trips, helped pay their student loans, make endless Christmas celebrations with food galore, birthdays, graduations, and everything else to boot. It's never enough. So now I feel like you don't like me? Cool. Move on.

I don't mind that my husband goes alone to see them, but when family events happen and he attends by himself, I feel like I am holding the emotional baggage for everyone while they all go off and enjoy themselves like nothing happened and I don't exist. My husband is on my side (for once). We agree this is unsustainable especially for me (everyone other than us is happy as Larry) and has to change. He is going to focus on meeting his daughter at a park to play with his granddaughter rather than taking them all out to lunch. I want him to see his granddaughter, but I am not ok with being excluded to make his daughters happy and not rock the boat. The person paying for not rocking the boat is always me. I feel like my husband should draw a line, not never see his kids.

If this was my son behaving like this toward my husband, I would flat out tell him he is wrong and that I don't go places where my husband is forbidden. I would tell him that refusing to acknowledge and deal with the situation is not ok and will result in less visits with me.

Thoughts?

All of your ire is directed at the daughters who while adults will likely revert to parent/child dynamics around their father. What is his opinion on their behaviour? Why is he not confronting the eldest about the messy room? Either he disagrees that they are the problem or his behaviour is weak and selfish. Start working this out with him.

You know, I don’t particularly like my brothers but I would never banish them from family events because that would be ridiculous and divisive. They’re family just like OP is family in this scenario, so I suck up my dislike of them for a few hours now and again. All grown ups are able to do this. The step daughters are just being mean girls because nobody speaks up when it’s a stepmum.

In fact, even children are able to manage this without being arseholes.
DC: I don’t really want my cousin Jimmy to come to my birthday party anymore, we argued on Minecraft last night
Me: Tough, he’s coming so you’ll just have to get on with it and get over yourselves
DC: ok fair enough

I would just get on with your life and not let it bother you. I wouldn’t want to be around people that don’t like me, they’re never going to change after all these years so don’t try and force it. Just go and have a nice time the day he sees his daughters. See your son, focus on you. Don’t give them a second thought.

I find it hard to believe that all three have decided to hate you without a reason. There is something missing to this story.

I would love to hear their side of the story. Suspect there's a whole different side to this. All three daughters seem to be in agreement here so there's clearly more to it.

Your logic is obscure, OP. You can’t decide to have nothing to do with them and then dictate who does or doesn’t attend family events you don’t even want to go to. Respectfully, you could get divorced tomorrow, and they’d still be his children, regardless of whether they’re saints or positively demonic. Just enjoy your life and your child and your marriage and do your own thing when there are family events on.

Agree with @SamuraiSally

ThisI You've make it clear to your dh that they are not welcome in your home if they cannot manage the basic courtesies. Fair enough and he supports you in that.

Whenever he spends time with them, you can meet with your friends or relatives. His dcs have ceased to be relevant, they are adults and you are free of any responsibility for them.

I'd enjoy that freedom, spa days, lunches in country pubs, shopping trips to London, weekends in Copenhagen or Barcelona, and don't give them another thought. Sounds blissful. 😊

I also agree with@GelatinousDynamo and @liamharha. There has to be more to this. I also think that the parent / child relationship is ultimately the most important relationship. 1 in two marriages break down. Parent / child is for life.

Politely from your post you come across as too controlling and full on. You need to step back and let your DH arrange what he wishes with his own children.

The eldest dd sounds horrible.
@suppahgs you should have called her bluff op and donated the seat and stroller to charity.

If I were you I would actively concentrate on your ds and don't let the mean girls take an ounce of your thought.
As for your dh, he should have been the person to make his dd clean up.

You don't want to be in their company they don't want you in their company . It's a mutual feeling . It surely isn't a massive issue for your DH to take a few hours per week to spend time with them away from you . You can see your own son or indulge in a hobbie during this time . I don't get why you want to police where they meet etc and impose terms and conditions. Why don't you want to insist in being at family events that neither party would enjoy . The contact they have dosent seem unreasonable. He's hardly cruising the Med with them and leaving you at home.

How are they mean girls but the step mum isn’t, for exhibiting the same behaviour? Regardless, she isn’t family, she’s their dad’s wife.

The Cinderella effect ( Wikipedia) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect. explains why step parents are hostile to step children. ‘In addition to displaying higher rates of negative behaviors toward stepchildren, stepparents displayed fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren compared to the biological parents. It is not an easy relationship.
I wonder if all the children mistreated by step parents are simply be described as ‘mean girls’ to assuage the guilt of an unkind step mum.
The OP should be the grown up and encourage her husband to see his daughters whilst she uses the opportunity to catch up with her son.

Maybe the issue is that you’ve come in and despite your husband being a very part-time dad, you’ve tried to muscle in and act like a mother/grandmother to girls who already have a mother and who were in two cases quite old before you even met them.

Like why on earth would you buy such a ludicrously expensive buggy? It seems like trying to prove you’re the better “mother”.

She’s not exhibiting the same behaviour though is she. Have you not read her post where she lists the efforts she has made over many years to show her care for and commitment to them emotionally, practically and financially? Not family? But good enough to pay for education fees and cook the Christmas dinner? Really?

It comes across like she’s misplacing resentment on them for her husband not cooking the Christmas dinner and for spending their money on his daughters rather than on her.

It certainly doesn’t sound like the daughters see her as a source of emotional support. The daughter who didn’t feel comfortable accepting such an expensive buggy for her baby - why create such a fuss when presumably it could easily have been returned.

She comes across as resentful, demanding, overbearing and tone deaf to their actual feelings and needs.

I think you should just ignore them all . After all this time they still treat you like an outsider . Forget about them , let your husband do his visits etc and get on with your life .

I think you saying you let his daughter stay with you "for free" is probably quite telling. Why would she have to pay to stay at her dad's house?

It sounds like the eldest is half sister to the younger ones. So you must be wife number 3? It sounds like the eldest is insecure & trying to control things. So it’s more about her than you.

Who owns & pays for the house? Are you the main wage earner?

How does your DS feel about all this drama? Is it worth the hassle? I would consider separating as it is unlikely to change. There will just be more grandchildren as the years go on.

I understand what you’re trying to say OP. You’re in no way stopping your DH from having a relationship with his daughters but then if they organise some kind of family gatheting and exclude you, you’d expect your husband to not go as well. Thats absolutely reasonable and fair.

I have a friend in a similiar position. Her husband’s adult daughter will throw a big family bbq but will make it clear my friend is not invited. They’ve never really had a falling out, it’s just that the adult daughter never wanted to ‘share’ her dad. Like a little puppy, every single time, my friend’s husband goes off to the gathering and comes home and tells my friend all about it. That’s just awful - excluding someone like that is a form of bullying.

As others have said, your DH needs to take a stand. He will continue to be in his daughters’ lives but he’s not going to attend gatherings where you’ve been uninvited or excluded. Problem is, if they’re ’mean girls’, he knows they might well cut him out of their lives too. How horrible to be held to ransom like that.

Have you actually sat down with your DH and ask him what he thinks about you being uninvited or excluded from things? Has he actually realised how rude his daughter are to you and about you?
I would be asking him why he thinks it is OK for his wife of 18 years to be treated so badly. If he answers with he doesn't want to upset them, you have to question him as to why he is more than happy to upset you.

Because his relationship as parent is and should never be tied to their relationship with you.

DH and I are both SP to now adult SKs. If there was a break down of relationships either side, neither of us would be insisting on anything. They dont come to your home.

Thats sufficient.

They are under no obligation to invite you anywhere.

The reality is you and your husband could divorce tomorrow and they would never see you again.

They are adults. No adult is obligated to spend time with anyone on the basis of family even less so on the basis of marriage to a family member.

You dont like them. They dont like you. This is about you wanting your husband to "prove" your role in his life. Why? Inviting you wont change the fact they dont like you and you dont like them.

It will make everything uncomfortable and fake but YOU will feel like you won in the competition for your husbands "value".

If they invite you because you insist their father cant or shouldn't go without you,the next issue will how you view you are treated and how he also shouldn't allow that.

The healthiest thing is that you have nothing to do with each other and to be honest the fact he isnt pushing tells me that after years of tension and you so called carrying the emotional weight of his children's behaviour and relationship with you the removal of the underlying tension, point scoring and bitching is probably a relief.

No it isnt bullying absolutely no one is entitled to a relationship with anyone.

They are adults. No one is entitled to an invitation into someones home on the basis of who you are married to.

Just like SPs can say no to having adult SC in their home, SKs have the same right.