Deciding what house to be at

[Brunolarge]

My 15 year old ds has regularly stayed overnight at his dads for many years on a really set in stone kind of arrangement which has been eow and mid week.

he asked me the other night at what age can he decide if he no longer wants to sleep at his dads house which did not come as a big surprise to be honest as he shares a room with his step sister…it is stud wall partitioned but he doesn’t have much privacy and my ex has 3 other children I think it is a pretty manic household so I can see why he has a preference to where he wants to be.

I don’t know how to handle this really as I think it’s important he stays at his dads house as his dad will find it quite hurtful after all these years if he doesn’t and also me and my husband have got used to the child free nights mainly for some privacy more than anything as having a teenager who goes to bed late etc can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming
we have been used to our ‘couple’ time rightly or wrongly

any tips on how to navigate this please? I don’t want him to feel like he is forced to go but at the same time I think it’s important he does still maintain overnights at his dads house.

I should add I live with my husband and he has 2 children who stay with us at weekends so we are living as a blended family as best as we can

Your son should be allowed to choose where he lives. Nothing else matters.

I believe its his decision from age 14 and certainly at age 15 any judge will grant his wishes over yours or his father's.
If his dad wants a relationship with him then going forward it will have to be without overnights and at 15 thats quite easy to do and most teenagers have friends that they would rather see and peer group events that are more important than spending regimented overnights with mum or dad.
What is important is that your son is happy with his living arrangements not whether his dads feelings are hurt or if you miss your child/teenager free time

I’d talk openly to your son that his dad may feel hurt if he suddenly no longer stays. Perhaps suggest reducing overnights as a compromise? He’s not far from being an adult, and it’s natural that contact will start to change at this stage.

You prioritise your sons needs, he’s in vital school years and needed peace and stability in his environment, he’s not getting that at this dads.

if you want couple time, go out.

This
unless he has some specific needs, he is old enough to decide.
and I appreciate his Dad may be hurt but tbh, it’s hard to understand how his Dad didn’t think of this before having more kids.

The court will hear his opinion from 10+ and wouldn’t even get involved at 16+.

He should be allowed to stay home. If you want adult time then tell him he has to spend the evening in his room once a week, and go away for occasional weekends.

Same response as everyone else - it's up to him, but obviously the adults here need to part of the discussion.
Your couple time is important, but I don't think it trumps your son's preferences - you can go out, he's going to be out with friends some of the time and at 15, it's likely his time living at home is more limited now anyway.

I think at 15 he should be able to decide where he sleeps. I would encourage him to maintain a relationship with his father tgats regular and consistent but that doesn't mean he needs to spend the night with him. If you can have couple time while he's not there but your time shouldn't be at his detriment.

Would you like to move out of your house eow and mid week? No? Sounds awful, right? Show your son some courtesy and let him decide to live permanently in one home, with no guilt trips, if that is what he wants to do.

One parent being sad shouldn't guilt trip your sons decision on where to stay. Let him put his interests first, just help him to consider all the facts.

Tbh at his age it’s up to him. When I got to that age there was no set time at mums or dads I kind of just went whenever.

Maybe he can go for dinner in the week and then come home and maybe only stay Saturday night eow, spending Saturday and most of Sunday with Dad and siblings.

DSDs started coming and going as they pleased around age 13 because they started having their own social lives, could be left alone for an evening and could walk themselves between the houses. I think it's normal for teens to want to change up the routine.

Had a chat with my husband last night and he was not all for the idea to be honest. He said it’s important he stays at his dads as we need our couple/alone time and that he only doesn’t want to go because there are younger siblings and he doesn’t have his own space/gaming set up like he does at our house. Now I feel conflicted 😔 my son hasn’t made a massive issue out of his just expressed that he has a preference over which house he sleeps at and I do think his younger brother drives him mad

Why does your husband think k that his wanting privacy is valid but that your son wanting privacy isn’t?

Your DH sounds like a twat to be honest.

in answer to your question, mine started dropping overnights with dad at about 11 ish.
no O/N atall from 13.

Your H cares more about his 🍆 than your child's preferences.

Poor kid.

Don’t know what to do for the best to please everyone

Your husband cares more about emptying his balls let's be honest here.

Stop trying to pacify everyone. Your sons needs come first in this. Part of having children is loss of "alone" time and your husband needs to accept this.

Put your big girl pants on and do your best for your son. He's in his last few years at home, his dad's house isn't comfortable for him, and you and his manchild of a stepdad are moaning about him cutting in on 'couple time'. Tell your son it's up to him now and he's always welcome to be at your house, as a loving mum would say.

Knew from the OP this wasn’t about how the ex will feel. Both you and you husband need to stop being so bloody selfish.

I also have a 15 year old son (and a younger daughter) who used to visit dad EOW and one night a week. He has never been very happy there and this past year has had the confidence to finally say he doesn't want to be there as much. He does still see his dad but he spends most of his weekend here and goes to his dad's for dinner.
I also have a partner and yes it means we dont get any alone time anymore, nor do we get time away as a couple. But... not once has my partner complained, in fact he encourages them to be here as he knows this is where they are happiest and he knows that it is best for them. He very much accepts that we are a family. I suggest you have a chat with your partner and make him realise this.

How do people think couples who don’t separate spend time together? They don’t get to chuck their kids out of the house for ‘couple time’.

You don't please everyone. You listen to your almost adult son when he tells you he wants to sleep in his own home.