Step dad bathing 8 year old DD

[Amiovereacting82]

I went out tonight to collect my older DD, before I left I told younger DD to relax with step-dad and I'll help her bath when I get home.
Got home, not very late, just after 6, and DH had already bathed her.
A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time (admittedly DD doesn't need much help bathing now but likes me to be there).
I feel really really uncomfortable with this, like he has crossed a boundary that was really important and that I mentioned more than once.
He said DD asked him to, but he's the adult!

For context he has been in DDs life since she was 3 and is like a dad to her as her father sadly wasn't interested in being involved.

DD is a very young and vulnerable 8, nothing diagnosed but suspected ND.

I feel so uncomfortable with this - he knows I'm very very protective of both my DDs

Am I overreacting and being neurotic?

Hate to say it, but you leave them alone anyway, why would he wait to bathe her to sexually abuse her if that’s the case? You either trust him or you don’t and sounds like you don’t tbh. Always trust your gut, people overstepping boundaries with children is always odd. Normal people don’t do that.

My stepfather abused me in the bath. It’s not just about opportunity, it’s about plausible deniability, “I was just washing her thoroughly and she misunderstood” etc. These guys are generally very crafty and practised. I’m NOT saying OP’s DH is guilty of anything, but statistically he poses the greatest risk to her child, so she’s quite right to be careful with boundaries, and it’s worrying that he isn’t respecting those.

OP, I think you need to carefully listen to your gut.
Something seems to feel off here.

I cannot fathom my husband going near my daughter of even 6, in the bath.
Basic cop on would prevent him.

We never ever had a conversation about it.
He knew and I knew the importance of privacy and boundaries.

You have actually had a conversation and yet he still doesn't understand?

WTF?

I think it is good that you have asked him to leave.

So many of my friends, including myself, had inappropriate contact with older men as children.

Thankfully not rape, but being felt up by neighbours, priests, bachelor uncles, a teacher.
Its 50+ years ago but you never forget.

I have always been hyper vigilant as a result and truthfully my own incident was on the lowest of the scale.

He chose to ignore your instruction through basic dismissal of you, lack of respect or nefarious reasons.

Whatever the reason, it's simply not good enough.

I really agree with this.
If my husband had needed it spelt out to him, I would be appalled and it would utterly change instantly how I viewed him.

We have knocked on each others bedrooms from about the age of 5.
Its how we instilled respect for their right to privacy without even a discussion.
We taught it to them by example.

So important. So they would recognise it instantly if it was ever absent.

Firstly gut instincts are important and there for a reason
when did you start to feel like this and was there something that precipitated that feeling

Thank you all again.

I'm not sure when I started to feel something. It was mentioned upthread about always being hyper vigilant and wary when bringing a man into the DDs lives. It was always there in the background and I've always been careful with their privacy (or so I thought).
I've always found it hard with following my gut as I overthink and can be neurotic so sometimes I get it wrong.

This time I feel strongly however. I don't feel he's done anything to her (again - as sure as I can be), but just how did he not know when we talked about it.

sorry, it probably sounds like I'm running round in circles asking the same questions and you're all trying to help and answer.

I know there's nothing bad in his history or background. As sure as I can be.

The OP has actually said that he hasn't given baths before... maybe once or twice in the last 5 years but she can't remember exactly.

So yes, if it's not the norm, and he's been expressly told not to be popping his head in at bathtime etc then I think she has a right to be annoyed.

She said she had to tell him recently not to bathe her.

But has he only started bathing her as she became older?

She later clarified her wording:

He hasn't done this since age 3, I've always done bath.
I think he may have done it once or twice a while ago, but I'm struggling to remember specific examples.

When she was younger he often popped his head round the door during bath time to say hello, we typically had the door open or ajar anyway.

So it's not routine for him to do it, and it wasn't historically either

I say this all the times on threads such as this but Ireland has a charity called 1 in 4. The name of the charity comes from the research that 1 in 4 children has experienced unwanted sexually abusive contact (that is 25% of children, more of whom are girls than boys so 1 in 3 girls - 33%) by 18.

It is appropriate to look at men who ignore women’s and children’s boundaries because they are the types of men who are going to abuse. Men who uphold explicitly stated and socially implied boundaries don’t abuse.

That is why ignoring boundaries is such a big issue.

So I'm just going to summarise. He gave a bath before 6pm although you asked him not to. 6pm is early, why was it so early? My DC watched ccbbs until 6. Then supper, bath and story. That's the weird bit.
If he's so nonchalant about this I couldn't sleep with him again. My marriage would be over.

So then why would he randomly decide to bathe her now especially if he doesn't usually do it and Op told him not to.

"A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time"

Presumably it's also possible that he wants to take the opportunity to look at her naked, without actually touching her. He might want to touch her, but not want to risk it, or he may have his own "ethical" line beyond which he's decided not to go.

She 100% had the right to be annoyed. Im not arguing with that. But what I dont understand, is why?

Why what? Sorry not sure what you mean?

Do you mean that you don't understand why she doesn't want the stepdad to do bathtimes?
Maybe because she can't know for sure whether he (or any man) is sexually attracted to girl children, or girl children at a certain stage of development?

This Australian survey asked men whether they would have "sexual contact" with a child if they knew that no-one would find out. Look at the number for children under 10. I would assume that even in a survey some men who would abuse a child said they wouldn't. And the question was about "sexual contact". You can add to that number for men who would look and/or take photos but not touch.
Shocking survey reveals how many men would abuse child if ‘no one found out’ | The Independent

But no one here can help you understand why anymore than we can help you understand calculus. Maybe ask these types of questions to Chat GPT.

This is my feeling but I didn't want to frighten the OP.
Let's say she came home and opened the door to her DD standing naked before getting in the bath. Was that the case? That she will not know unless her DD has a flashback many years later. Is there a lock for the older daughter? Having been abused I know exactly what these men want to look at.
Don't take the risk OP. I know it's sad but I never left my daughter alone with my abuser.
My daughter is training as a criminal psychologist and the stats are horrible.

I'm going to leave the thread now as it triggers me but I hope I've been of some help.
Much love to you and your girls @Amiovereacting82

I'm sorry it's triggering (I completely understand why) - I appreciate all your comments and send love to you too

I know. And honestly, i know that I may sound a bit ridiculous. I just cannot get my head around it. How someone can love someone, build a whole life with them and let them into the lives of their children. Then all of a sudden, one day out of the blue, wonder if they may have paedophile tendencies and worry they may be a danger to the child. It just illogical.

Thats exactly what i cannot get my head around. If OP has built a life with this man and always trusted him with her dd and he has acted like a father for most of her life, why is it that now he may be a danger to her dd? It makes no sense to me at all

Dunning Kruger. The more you know the more you know you don't know.

I don't think any individual in my life is capable of being a sexual predator. But the concrete statistics say some of them are. And I believe those over my heart. So I take precautions against all of them to ensure I have done everything I can to make sure my child isn't a victim of sexual abuse.

This is exactly how I feel