Step dad bathing 8 year old DD

[Amiovereacting82]

I went out tonight to collect my older DD, before I left I told younger DD to relax with step-dad and I'll help her bath when I get home.
Got home, not very late, just after 6, and DH had already bathed her.
A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time (admittedly DD doesn't need much help bathing now but likes me to be there).
I feel really really uncomfortable with this, like he has crossed a boundary that was really important and that I mentioned more than once.
He said DD asked him to, but he's the adult!

For context he has been in DDs life since she was 3 and is like a dad to her as her father sadly wasn't interested in being involved.

DD is a very young and vulnerable 8, nothing diagnosed but suspected ND.

I feel so uncomfortable with this - he knows I'm very very protective of both my DDs

Am I overreacting and being neurotic?

She is definitely not overreacting to be suspicious or concerned. Absolutely not.

His response to why he chose to override a normal and uncontroversial boundary is absolutely required.

I don't think any adult needs to help an 8 year old to bathe. I used to let DS lean over bath with trousers still on and wash his hair. Then I left and he'd bathe.

This.

DP never had a thing to do with my DDs washing. I think at 8 its highly inappropriate.

"The only question that matters is why he chose to do this"

And I think @CrazyGoatLady had a decent stab at answering that very question. 'Because paedo' isn't the only possibility, it's not even the likeliest.

Why did he decide to bath her while you were out, despite you saying you were going to do it when you got back? He did this despite being previously asked not to be in the bathroom when she is bathing, and knowing that she likes to have someone present.
Im assuming he knew you weren’t going to be gone for hours, so it seems like he took the opportunity while he could.
Break it down into simple terms. A man, despite previous discussions not to, took the opportunity to be alone with a naked 8 year old.
Something isn’t right.

Agree. If there's no trust, don't have him around your kids.
You've mentioned it to him more than once and he's disregarded your wishes as a mother, no respect from him.

@Ohnoyoudont2 I'm not saying she is overreacting to be concerned and he absolutely has questions to answer. The boundary isn't controversial and I haven't said it is. The way you keep quoting me seems to be implying some sort of disagreement, and I don't think we are thinking massively differently about this.

It would be a red flag if he minimises OP's concerns or thinks he did nothing wrong or it's not a problem. He should recognise that even if he had good intentions in trying to meet the DD's needs/request, he violated a previously agreed boundary with his partner and her parent, and that has an impact. If he is totally innocent of any wrongdoing, it was a bloody stupid thing to do to put himself in that position.

If he were to resist a whole family conversation to make boundaries more explicit, that would also be suspicious. If he says he was out of his depth/didn't know what to say, he should welcome that.

I probably am hoping for OP and her children's sake that this isn't going to uncover something nasty, because that would be horrible for everyone. But I'm also not naive to the possibility.

If you're suspicious of his behaviour, why was it okay for him to bathe a 5, 6 or 7 year old, but not an 8 year old? This all seems fairly arbitrary, and the odds of him being a sex offender are vanishingly small.

Sounds like your relationship has run it's course and you're looking for reasons/validation.

You need to tell your DD that she is now old enough to bathe on her own. Help her get used to that by staying out of the bathroom when she is bathing for a while.

Also tell step father and DD that DD is not to have a bath until you get home. Make the comment not wishy washy but very instructive. Also help step-dad by giving him permission to not obey what DD asks for.

Use language in front of them both like -
No, DD, Grandpa doesn't need to read you any more stories, it is lights out.
No, DD, Grandpa is not going to sit with you or help you dry yourself, you are old enough to bathe by yourself.

Obviously you trust step-dad and he feels trusted and likes to be helpful like any other grandparent..

At age sevenish, it is time to teach modesty.

so where do you stand on Dads that have adopted the child?

You also keep quoting me. I am absolutely right, so you can just stop doing that if you like, there's nothing that I have said that requires any sort of adjustment, caveat or discussion. My posts are straightforward and factual, yours are far more convoluted and did indeed require clarification.

Yes, I hope so too. She needs to pursue this further.

If it was me, I'd place hidden cameras around the place. I 100% do not care how many pearl clutchers will freak out about that, no I don't care if it's any sort of invasion of privacy. He should have listened to her and respected the boundary. Now, she should do what she must to find out.

No, you cannot always know, no you should not have to blow up your life on a concern, yes you do have to find out.

Hidden camera in the bathroom and kids rooms will sort it out immediately.

Agreed. Not at all appropriate imho.

.

I find this a bit difficult- you clearly have relationship issues from your update- but you allowed him to bathe her up until now, but now there is a concern? If there is a concern the relationship should be done.

If your DD did ask him to bathe her - and are you sure she did? - then he could have quite easily said 'no, mummy said she wanted to supervise when she gets back' and made her wait. It need not have been a difficult conversation. You do need to have a separate chat with DD though about body privacy and not allowing anyone but you to be present in the bathroom when she bathes. As for her SD, I'd be reading him the riot act and debating whether you trust him going forward.

If you weren't gone that long, and she was bathed and dried when you returned, then it seems he must have gone ahead as soon as you left, which is worrying. It's not as though she'd waited ages and then he'd said 'oh come on then, let's get this done'.

Why do you think a parent by adoption isn’t related to their children?

Did you also have the conversation with DD? Perhaps you also need to chat with her about the fact that she is growing up now and that at 8, girls are not allowed in the men’s changing rooms etc because it is against the rules, so she needs to be a big girl and NOT ask DH to help, but wait until you get home.

And then you have the conversation with him AGAIN stating that DD now understands and if she ever asks again he will tell her to wait until mum is home. OP. It may have been that he didn’t know how to decline without it seeming a big thing and having a conversation with her that she was not ready to have (that dad’s don’t see their daughters naked when they are approaching puberty and why). You need to explain the boundaries to both so that he is more comfortable saying no? And yes, he’s an adult and he should have sorted this himself, but we don’t know him so can’t comment. My DH (and bio parent to my DC) never invlved himself in bath time after the age of about 5 naturally, as he already felt it was not appropriate, but he was rarely home during the week to do it anyway so it wasn’t a change in routine for him to stop.

you think your husband has no self control and is going to abuse your daughter. You think he is capable of being a sex offender.

Do sex offenders come with a flashing neon sign or something?

OP, you've brought this man into your home - he's had countless opportunities to abuse your children already. However, the fact remains, you've said it's inappropriate (and I agree), so that should be the end of it. The fact he can't see that it is concerning. Not necessarily because he's going to sexually assault your child in the bath, but because he's trampling over your boundaries regarding a serious issue. I think most men would feel uncomfortable bathing a child that isn't biologically theirs.

In this situation, For him and unrelated male, He should be going out of his way to avoid being involved in anything like this. The fact that he’s done it Despite you asking him not to is a huge red flag.

Trust your gut

The fact that he's totally ignored the whole discussion around this subject the moment you've popped out for a short while indicates he doesn't respect boundaries. Regardless of how long he's been her stepdad you've said she's now too old for a male to see her naked in the bath and he's totally ignored it. You're not unreasonable to be annoyed at him

So you’ve already told him it’s inappropriate yet he did it on the first chance? Poor DD. He watched her when she should be doing this totally independently. Violating.

If he sent her to have a bath that would be completely different. She could’ve been sent to run her bath, wash her herself and hair, dry and get into PJs. Maybe reminded to bring PJs into bathroom whilst bath is running …. but that’s it. That is the role any adult in her life should be having around bathing. And certainly not a male, not alone an unrelated one. It’s absolutely disgusting and the relationship needs to end immediately, because it sounds like he is high risk. Prioritise your DD, don’t be one of those mums who downplays it or gives another chance etc at the detriment of children.

Did you ask her if she asked him to help?

My child is 9 and still can’t really do their hair so I have to bathe them if not the hair won’t be washed properly.

I think it’s definitely time for both of you to get out of the bathroom but in your OP you didn’t say you told him not to do this - you just said it was ‘getting less appropriate’. Your kid, your rules so what if you just put an actual stop to it?

If he’s regularly alone with her and you don’t trust him I’m not really sure a bath is the problem.

I don’t think it’s unusual for an eight year old to be naked around parents, especially one who acts younger.

But I’d struggle to trust him after he crossed my boundaries like that. The relationship would be over.