Step dad bathing 8 year old DD

[Amiovereacting82]

I went out tonight to collect my older DD, before I left I told younger DD to relax with step-dad and I'll help her bath when I get home.
Got home, not very late, just after 6, and DH had already bathed her.
A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time (admittedly DD doesn't need much help bathing now but likes me to be there).
I feel really really uncomfortable with this, like he has crossed a boundary that was really important and that I mentioned more than once.
He said DD asked him to, but he's the adult!

For context he has been in DDs life since she was 3 and is like a dad to her as her father sadly wasn't interested in being involved.

DD is a very young and vulnerable 8, nothing diagnosed but suspected ND.

I feel so uncomfortable with this - he knows I'm very very protective of both my DDs

Am I overreacting and being neurotic?

I washed all my kids hair still at that age but that isn't important when talking about this situation. In this situation you basically told him you didn't want him seeing your child naked for the short amount of time you were gone and he decided that he would do that anyway. That's creepy.

Not helpful I know, but I think that bringing some unrelated man into your home where there are young children and having to watch them constantly must be quite stressful. I cannot see the point. I'd rather do without a man. I don't need one that much.

Presumably as he's bathed her before, and been a father figure for the majority of her life, you do actually trust him and have not had concerns up til now. The issue at hand now is that she has reached an age where she needs privacy (even if she doesn't know it yet). Obviously we people on the Internet don't know your husband but I think I would have a very stern conversation with him that even if he was biologically her father, you'd likely have the same request given her age and that if he ever oversteps again he'll be shown the door.

FWIW, I have been in my SS14 life since he was 4. He lives 50% with us. I have never once given him a bath... I have sometimes ran a bath and left the room if he was old enough to be on his own, or ran a bath if DH was in the way home (e.g. if they were at a football game or something). It was just never appropriate, even though I do everything else a mother would do.

I don’t think you’ve overreacted at all. You can trust that your daughter is safe with your partner but still have strong boundaries in place to protect them both. You need to explicitly tell him that you don’t want him involved in your daughter’s personal care. For example, bath time and toileting are off limits but he can help with xyz. That way you’re both on the same page and there can’t be any confusion if the boundary is broken again.

Not all the children are like your own children. People are different.

Plenty of children like some company as part of their bathtime routine.

You say you had the conversation with your partner. Did you also have it with your daughter? It sounds to me like you are expecting him to say "no" to her while she is still oblivious.

DD was 2 when DH came in to her life. Not once did he ever bathe her as he felt it inappropriate and not his place. In all other ways he has been her parent and they have a close father/daughter relationship. Shes in her late 20s now.

What is it with all thse men who feel the need to be involved in the intimate care of other peoples children? Especially children who are old enough to want a bit of privacy. So unnecessary.

Obviously related by law, not related by blood. I dont think any law makes a difference here.

Thank you for all your replies. There's lots there and it's honestly helpful to know I'm not overreacting.

Being present there at bath time has reduced with DH and DD over the last 1-2 years and about 6 months ago when he popped in to say hi when he got back from work, I said to him (to the side) that she's too old for that now. He didn't do bath time anyway historically, but might pop in to say hello

I would love DD to have a bath on her own without me, but she needs help shampooing still (the same as another poster - likes a flannel on her face). Sometimes she plays with toys while I put clothes away in the bedrooms, and sometimes she wants me to sit and chat to her.

I've not been concerned DH has behaved inappropriately in the past. That said, I am very conscious about the risk of SA, and it's always there in the back of my mind. Isn't that the same for all parents? It crosses my mind when big DD goes on a sleepover as the older they get, you don't always know the parents as well (she's 14),

I'm also very concerned that DH thought it was okay? Not only have I mentioned it before, but how could a male adult instinctively not know that's not okay.
Because of that, I don't know what to think.

And there's the boundary he's crossed.
its worse than icky.

Have asked him to see if he can stay somewhere this weekend. I'm just not sure what to think.

I do sometimes feel that surely it's safer on your own without the children rather than step-parents?

Sorry, I've probably said a lot people will jump on. My mind is racing so my thoughts may seem odd and irrational.

I don’t think I’d want to be in a marriage when I was not trusted to not abuse a child I’d looked after as if my own for several years. There’s something not right here. I’d rethink the relationship and consider the reality that you need to remain a single mum until your kids are grown up because if it’s not this, it will be something else.

I think thats perfectly fine. I would find it odd to just send an 8yo to bath shower all by herself.

I know why you're saying that 💕

but if the SD was to adopt the child it wouldn't make him a different person would it?

even if he was the biological Dad it wouldn't make him a different person.

its the person, not the title. He's been in her life since she was small. OP is happy to leave them home together. Was happy when she was 7. ???

lots of kids with additional needs (& plenty without) still need help (esp with hair washing). & if the child asked his was he supposed to say 'mummy won't let me' ! Why suddenly is he no longer allowed to behave like her Dad as he has until now? Mind you he should have said tgst to the OP when she was changing the rules.

This is the problem and this is red flag behaviour. You explicitly told him the boundary and he ignored it. Boundary breaking is red flag behaviour.

sorry I meant to say: I have chatted with DD about privacy before and private parts etc. We did the NSPCC pantasaurus when she was younger. And I know they did this at school too.
Another conversation is needed

I dont think people will instinctively feel its wrong. Its a social awareness that will teach you this. More so in the UK and less in some other countries /rightly or wrongly, I dont know. In the UK sexual assault is something that is talked about a lot, and dont know whether its because its happening more or because people are more aware/.

You had set this boundary and discussed on more than one occasion, and yet he waited until you were out to do it anyway!

You are right and sensible to be cautious.

He is either supremely lacking in any awareness, or worse. Neither option are ones I'd be looking for in a partner.

@Amiovereacting82 have you asked him why he went against your wishes on that occasion? What actually happened and how did he come to make the decision to say yes to DD's request to help her in the bath rather than tell her she has to wait for you to come home?

Does he now recognise that decision was wrong, and that he has caused you to doubt his respect for your boundaries and trustworthiness with your children?

This is the second thread about men having inappropriate boundaries around young girls and bathrooms that I’ve read in the last 10 minutes. How can they not know??

I agree with you OP and I would get rid of him too.

Stepdad bathing his child should be fine if he's been asked. In this case he's been asked NOT TO but just couldn't resist. LTB

He has been asked by the child. Who possibly didnt know that her mother has told her step dad not to.

Apparently she asked him to. I said he could say no as he's the adult or say that he'll stay outside the door. He said he was worried about her having a meltdown. Again, I said we're the adults.
I was home a bit earlier than expected, but still - could have waited.
He said he sat on the closed toilet like I normally.
I think he gets why I'm upset and furious. But I also feel like if he got it he wouldn't have done it.

And male foster carers. What do people think happens then?

Well exactly, whats the narrative for the child, how is she supported to understand this, given she still needs help in the bath (normally OP does this)

I don't think he's done anything wrong

He has done something wrong. You said it's no longer appropriate for him to bathe her/be in the bathroom, and he disregarded this.

It doesn't matter whether your daughter asked him. He's the adult, he went against your wishes and he has no respect for boundaries.

Please listen to your gut.