Step dad bathing 8 year old DD

[Amiovereacting82]

I went out tonight to collect my older DD, before I left I told younger DD to relax with step-dad and I'll help her bath when I get home.
Got home, not very late, just after 6, and DH had already bathed her.
A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time (admittedly DD doesn't need much help bathing now but likes me to be there).
I feel really really uncomfortable with this, like he has crossed a boundary that was really important and that I mentioned more than once.
He said DD asked him to, but he's the adult!

For context he has been in DDs life since she was 3 and is like a dad to her as her father sadly wasn't interested in being involved.

DD is a very young and vulnerable 8, nothing diagnosed but suspected ND.

I feel so uncomfortable with this - he knows I'm very very protective of both my DDs

Am I overreacting and being neurotic?

Can I ask why you feel its inappropriate? I am genuinely interested in this. You have explained that your dp has done this from age 3, assuming all was okay then? And that he ia for all intents and purposes, her dad. Its kind of like you've gone 'oh shes getting older now and my dp might get off on the image of an 8 year old in the bath'.

No, that's not right. He hasn't done this since age 3, I've always done bath.
I think he may have done it once or twice a while ago, but I'm struggling to remember specific examples.

When she was younger he often popped his head round the door during bath time to say hello, we typically had the door open or ajar anyway.

So it's not routine for him to do it, and it wasn't historically either

You clearly don't trust him. So he's been fine to be in her life for the past 5 years. I assume helping out with childcare, likely financially and when it suits you but now there's boundaries being broken.

You clearly think he has a thing for your child so why are you together?

Even if he was her biological Father, there comes an age where kids (whether male or female) need privacy (whether they understand this or not). Arojnf 7/8 is the perfect time for this to start being implemented in all aspects of life.

Sorry Dinosaur, what you said doesn't resonate or apply to my situation.

I work and manage my own finances.

I agree. I think I remember not wanting my Dad around when I was in the bath around 8??

I guess this is really down to whether or not you trust him. I can totally see how he might have decided that it's easier to go along with it rather than managing a meltdown. Also for all that everyone says kids need privacy - my eight year old Ds wouldnt be able to have a shower by himself - he would basically just sing to himself in the shower for hours on end without actually doing any washing. So one of us has to be in there with him to remind him to wash himself. They are 8 years old - not teenagers.

So the question is - do you trust him? If you do, then I guess you can give him the benefit of the doubt. If you dont, bath time or not - you shouldnt have your kids live with someone you dont trust.

I do and have trusted him. But it has still bothered me an awful lot. More than bothered.
I think you're right about him avoiding a meltdown, but nevertheless, boundaries and privacy is so important with DC that I don't know how I feel about this.

That said, it has been really helpful to get advice on here and just set it all out.

The reality is privacy is very important if kids request it but if they want more support around certain things then it's not the same. Also, I do wonder whether all men automatically get privacy in the same way. I certainly had to remind my Dh regarding privacy and Ds' female friends now they are 8. Obviously when it comes to boys - it's just not the same.

Also it is flex like my Ds still comes in to use the loo when am in the shower - same as when my Dh is in the shower. Equally we sometimes have to open the toilet door when Ds has been in there for 20 mins reading his comics and refuses to come out.

Yes, 8 is a good age to start discussing these issues but it is still a hard stage when they do still need a lot of support and handholding. Sure, you can totally say that your husband shouldnt wash her - I think a lot of dads do still do it - as especially girls often cant properly wash their hair at that age if it's long. Realistically though if he is going to start abusing her at 8, then he could have started at 6.....

Yes, some kids need extra help. Particularly washing hair. But it's also an important age to start teaching about privacy.

I know at 8 my stepson never washed shampoo out of his hair properly. My husband would go in and rinse it off and then let him play about and splash in the bath. Sometimes he'd stand in the hallway foldinf clothes or something and they'd chat away. I also understand it's sometimes harder for girls to wash hair etc.

The SF in this situation easily could have said "Oh your mum will be back soon, and she can wash your hair, I'm not good at that, why don't we get your towel and pj's ready". He has been expressly asked to adhere to an age appropriate boundary being put in place. He's the adult and needs to learn to deflect these type of situations.

Who knows what melter creep she could bring home in 15 years time to her 3 year old child. That you'd have a hard time defending as to why he shouldn't be doing bath time. Model what you want her to do when she's in the same spot.

With your updates I feel much less worried about this. If this is a red line for you, then you need to talk to him, and your daughter, and be super clear. She asked him to help, she was fine and she hasn’t asked for privacy - very different to the other thread where an 11 year olds dad is refusing her requests to stay out of the bathroom. 8 is an in between age and she’s a young 8. Plenty of my friends were still bathing their kids at 8 - even now at 9 my son runs around the house naked without any shame at all. So if this is one example amongst many, or you just don’t feel great about it, fair enough. But on the face of it it seems an honest mistake as you weren’t 100% clear that it was a red line to either your daughter or your partner.

This.

I think its too late now.

He crossed the line.

The issue is that he did it after you asked him not to.

Not whether it is normal in other families, harmless, part of relaxed attitudes to nakedness, whether he is a step or bio Dad etc etc.

Speaking from experience 8 was around the age that my SA step father started taking an interest. Things like helping me in the bathroom. It starts off small so you don’t notice. Until you do.

@Amiovereacting82 I was SA at 7.
Statically this is very vulnerable age. Before puberty yet will be experiencing early body changes.
Predators play a long game, is DD your only child? We're you targeted? my sister was. She had a young daughter when she started to date again post divorce.
A huge amount of children are targeted at this age (you know the cases).
I'm sorry but my DH never bathed our daughter after 5. Probably earlier.
Your husband has willfully ignored you and it doesn't stack up.

Girls are reaching puberty earlier these days. Some men are sexually attracted to girls who are just starting to develop breasts. I wonder whether OP's daughter has just reached that stage. If she has, and OP has said that the step dad hasn't helped her daughter in the bath prior to this, then together with OP's request that he give the girl privacy at this age, that's a worry.

So he's been fine to be in her life for the past 5 years. I assume helping out with childcare, likely financially and when it suits you but now there's boundaries being broken.

Yes, exactly, well said but now read your own words.

He was specifically asked not to do bath time now the child is getting older and as every adult knows as children get older boundaries change and move on. The boundary was extremely specific and very well defined, I.e. she is older she needs privacy don’t bathe her anymore which he chose to ignore.

Problematic behaviour always involves testing and breaking boundaries, that is what problematic behaviour is. Every poor behaviour that is ever out there involves disregarding the socially appropriate and acceptable boundaries that exist in other people.

That sounds just..awful Vanessa, I'm so sorry to read that and for others who may have experienced similar.

I don't feel like I've been targeted, but now I'm questioning everything.

Older DD is 14.

sorry if I haven't replied to others, struggling to keep up, but I am grateful.

I do get that. But would that be the same if the ops partner was her dds biological father? I just find this whole general attitude a bit bizzare. We let people into our lives that we presumably trust and then all of a sudden think 'oohhh i wonder if they're a paedophile' once our kida get to a certain age.

Sorry, OP, but it's worrying that you also have a 14 year old daughter. So if you've been with this man for 5 years, you got together when your older daughter was probably at that "just starting to grow breasts" stage. Looking back, do you think there were any possible signs that he ever behaved inappropriately with your older child? It's not impossible that he targeted you because of your daughters. Maybe it would be worth checking his background with the police. Of course, he may well be totally innocent.

Paedophiles are attracted to certain ages of children (it varies from man to man). This could be what is happening here.

Literally my first lien said "Even if he was her biological father". So yes.

I have actually explicitly expressed on this thread that I think that perhaps this has been a miscommunication and he didn't really understand the boundary and I don't think anything untoward happened etc. I didnt assume her was a paedo... so Im not sure why you are quoting me in regards that?

Even if it was a biological parent, we should be teaching and encouraging kids to take some privacy. At the end of the day, he didn't NEED to give the child a bath... she wasn't heavily soiled and she could have easily waited for her mother to come home.

But SD could easily have ssid: 'mums going to keep you company in the bathroom when she's home in a bit'. OPS partner has deliberately overriden her wishes, at the first opportunity. Whether he is just a boundary abuser or an actual abuser is the question.

Im not actually quoting you on that verbatim. I totally agree that kids need to be doing these things independently. However, isnt there a difference between encouraging a child to do it themselves and actively feeling uncomfortable with the idea of someone else being present and helping? The op seems to suggest that her dd likes to have an adult present whilst she bathed and that the step dad doing this hasn't been an issue up u til now. So has the op suddenly decided that her op may have paedophile like tendencies ans if so, why? Ans if not, why is suddenly uncomfortable at the idea of a man who presumably loves her and this little girl being present at bath time?