Step dad bathing 8 year old DD

[Amiovereacting82]

I went out tonight to collect my older DD, before I left I told younger DD to relax with step-dad and I'll help her bath when I get home.
Got home, not very late, just after 6, and DH had already bathed her.
A couple of times recently I said I felt -as DD turned 8 a few months ago- it's less appropriate for him to be in he bathroom at bath time/ do bath time (admittedly DD doesn't need much help bathing now but likes me to be there).
I feel really really uncomfortable with this, like he has crossed a boundary that was really important and that I mentioned more than once.
He said DD asked him to, but he's the adult!

For context he has been in DDs life since she was 3 and is like a dad to her as her father sadly wasn't interested in being involved.

DD is a very young and vulnerable 8, nothing diagnosed but suspected ND.

I feel so uncomfortable with this - he knows I'm very very protective of both my DDs

Am I overreacting and being neurotic?

Has he apologised for not respecting your wishes?

He has apologised but he also seems exasperated. I don't think he's seen me this angry before.
It's not that I thought he did anything to her. If I ever suspected that I wouldn't be in this relationship. But it's the wilful trampling of boundaries and lack of respect for her privacy (whether she's aware or not) has left me reeling.

No I completely agree with you. I assumed from your posts that you have never suspected or had reason to suspect anything untoward and that it's now just a case of her being of a certain age where she needs privacy (whether or not she understands this is a different matter).

I think personally I would give him the benefit of the doubt IF he is remorseful and fully understands that it isn't appropriate and that should anything remotely similar happen again he will 100% be in the bin.

Clearly they are not vetted on MumsNet, or there wouldn't be any.

Thanks budget and everyone else who has commented.

I don't suspect, and haven't suspected him.

However, I'm always mindful of it?! That's why I've always been clear on me doing bath time.

I don't know, it's so confusing (and horrible).

I guess I am suspecting now though. What of, I don't know...

When you say young for her age, how young? ADHD kids are usually minus a third which would put her at 5, emotionally.

Have you ever successfully got her to bathe solo in the past?

I think DD is closer to 6-7 emotionally though her reading age is 10. She is very smart but yes, sometimes she needs some extra help.

She will happily bathe on her own with toys, but then will call me to join her.

The hair washing is trickier but we don't do that every bath.

I would need to and to shower. She needs help with washing her hair. And I also think it would be fine for her Dad to do it and it wouldn’t occur to me at all that it’s inappropriate at this age. Fuck if you think your partner is at risk of abusing your daughter then you shouldn’t be with him.

Regardless of the bathing if you don't care about your relationship why are you with him? Is it because there are other issues or do you just not love him? Either way if you feel like that end the relationship and if you do I suppose the bathing issue resolves itself.

I don't think he's at risk of abusing her. Obviously I can't say that one hundred percent but I'm as sure as anyone can be.
I wouldn't be with him if I thought that.

But that still doesn't mean it was appropriate

Stepparents or stepfathers? Let's not suggest that stepmothers are a risk if that's not the case.

I agree. She sees him as a parent after all this time and hopefully he sees her as a daughter. If you suspect anything else he needs to leave your home.

When I said I don't care about the relationship it was clearly a reaction to this. Yes what I said was sloppy. But the point is the safety of the children is paramount. And perhaps there's some guilt creeping in because I feel responsible, as her mum, for keeping her safe, and boundaries and protecting her privacy when necessary.

Every person that walks the earth is a risk...

That should say I am responsible, not I feel responsible

If you have a sit-down conversation with him telling him that she now needs privacy from men and neither of them will be naked in front of the other in future, then that's a line in the sand and if he crosses it, you know you have a serious problem. Unless you feel that it was very clear before, in which case you already have a serious problem.

I’m with you on this OP. If I brought an unrelated man into my DC lives, the what if feeling would probably never leave me, no matter how much I love the man. Surely that’s all part of safeguarding and being a responsible parent?

I would speak to him to make sure he is aware of what he should do next time she asks him to be near her when she is bathing.

Not sure of your set up and whether it would be feasible for the door to be slightly ajar so your DD can still hear him and that he is near, but have him not physically in the bathroom?

OP listen to our gut instincts. If you are feeling something is off then don't dismiss it.

What stands out for me is that you have already told him you did not want him to do this anymore as she was getting too old and he ignored this.

What would be enough for me to end the relationship.

I thought I'd been clear but now I'm questioning myself.

I definitely told him not to pop into the bathroom when she's in the bath. And I've also said about not giving her bath.

And I've mentioned things before about giving older DD privacy and space. Not that he's done anything, but just because I felt it needed saying? I feel like I've been clear in the past about the girls and respecting their space.
but I've never used the words 'You can never give SDD a bath ever again and it would be highly inappropriate' but as near as that?!

I think and hope it was probably a miscommunication. Given your daughter ASKED him, I think he probably didn't flick back in his mind and think back to the conversation you've had and truly understood why it is now inappropriate.

Stupidly he actually probably thought he was doing you a favour.

On the basis that he truly now recognises that it is highly inappropriate... I'd not end the relationship. But if you think he's still not understanding then that's different. Does he have any maybe sisters or anything who could spell it out to him if needed?

Thank you star and green, and others too.

Star, that's exactly it - bringing a man into the house, it's always been at the back of my mind, whoever it is, because of safeguarding. Being hyper aware I think?

The door could easily be ajar with him not actually there. Not that there will be a repeat.

but yes, the trashing of boundaries means I'm not sure I/we can go back from this.

Thanks budget that's a good point.

urgghhh I think he probably did think he was helping..

I just don't know.

I think I need some space to think and work it all out and see what's best for girls.

Thank you again everyone, it's greatly appreciated

When the media were reporting the Stuart Hall sex offences case, the court was told that Hall used to "bathe" the 9 year old daughter of family friends, in her own home, and this is when the sexual abuse took place.
I remember thinking how in the name of fuckety fuckety fuck was that in anyway appropriate? What were the parents thinking? Smh 😱😡

I don't think you are over reacting OP, you made your wishes clear.

In terms of explaining to your DD, I think 7/8 is the age where boys and girls start getting changed separately for PE, so you can link to this and a general "boys and girls not seeing each other getting changed or naked" aspect as to why step dad won't / shouldn't be doing baths etc. Rather than making her feel it's about your partner.