Daughter being difficult about my partner

[fedupatthemoment]

This is not a step child issue but I thought it may be the best place to put it as many of you may have dealt with similar issues.

my dd is 18 and I have been single most of her life (I have dated but no serious relationships that have lasted a long time).

I have met a man that I am very happy with, he treats me very well and he is also good to my dd. He stays at my house often and my dd has a problem with this.

she also heard us having sex some time ago and made a massive deal about it, but since then things have got better and we have had some great times together the 3 of us. I can tell she likes him as a person but she is unhappy about the relationship as we spend a lot of time together and it is a serious relationship (not like others I have had).

it has been nearly a year since she heard us having sex but recently heard again, and text me in the night saying you are disgusting!

i tried to speak to her about it after and said I’m sorry you heard but i am not disgusting, you also have a boyfriend that you have sex with so does that make you disgusting?

she has made things very uncomfortable at home since then.

I went out with my partner and his children recently (they are very young) and when she found out she started talking about things saying they are my step children and I am moving on and making a life without her.

me and my partner include her in a lot of things and even suggested we all go out together (my dd and his dcs). The thing is absolutely anything I do I get told I’m doing something wrong.

my view is she is 18, I have been on my own for years and spent my life raising her, she is talking about moving out etc. should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

I understand it’s uncomfortable to hear your mum having sex, but she is taking it way too far now.

and anything I do that is nice for my partner or his dcs is a massive problem. Like I got them a Christmas present (not expensive) she thought that was so strange. But my partner also got my dd something and that was fine.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I can see my dd thinks I don’t care about her because I am in a relationship and spend a lot of time with him. But she is 18, she has a boyfriend, she works. Often when she is home she is in her room, she doesn’t want to do days out with me etc. so should I just stay home alone forever incase she wants to spend time with me on the odd occasion?

I am considering family counselling for me and dd to see if an outsider could help me to explain that she will never not be a priority to me, but I want to live my life and I’m not doing anything wrong. I completely understand her hearing us is horrible but I have apologised.

Yabu to breeze over the fact shes used to it being just you two for all of this time, shes adjusting and on top of it having to hear u having sex.

It’s unreasonable for her to expect you not to have a relationship at all but it’s understandable that she doesn’t want him in her home half the time and she definitely shouldn’t be expected to just ignore your sex noises. You are the ones making the home uncomfortable there, not her.

I think the fact that she's establishing her own life and independent also means that she needs extra reassurance that she still has her little family unit and family home. I can understand why she'd be feeling insecure.

Not ideal that she's heard you having sex, I do think you need to be extra careful to be quiet when she's in the house - no one wants to hear that.

Yanbu to have a relationship, just keep in mind she's still a teenager and you can't expect her to act like a fully grown adult right now.

I would think most teenage girls would be uncomfortable about an unrelated male suddenly being in the house much of the time. That's without the utter ick factor of hearing you having sex.

Yeah op you're in the wrong here. Once is a mistake twice is kinda creepy tbh. Does your partner like it that she can hear!

Not sure on this one. You deserve happiness & it’s great you’ve found love… but she deserves to feel comfortable in her own home and shouldn’t have to live with a man there who she doesn’t feel comfortable with being there?
It is her safe space, her home. I don’t think she has to justify it actually. You made the mistake of causing her to feel uncomfortable either by having sex loudly or this man’s character/presence.

Op, she's told you why she's not happy. You're moving on and she thinks you are leaving her without a home, or at least somewhere she can relax and not have to listen to you having sex.

Keep the noise down, be considerate of her feelings and sèe your boyfriend at his house when she is around. She is still only 18.

She’s used to it being the two of them as her Mum has put her parenting responsibilities first! Don’t hold this against her now she finally wants to have a relationship of her own!

Overhearing sex noises is gross and completely avoidable. Unless she is listening outside your door, one of you is being unnecessarily indiscreet. If it’s you, it’s bad. If it’s him, it’s far worse.

i don’t know here, I am a single parent and I tried dating last year after many years of not.
the main barrier for me was that I just could not imagine bringing a man home to stay overnight with DC there and there is always one or other DC there.
I don’t know what to suggest really, I think it’s reasonable to have a relationship and it’s nothing to do with your DD what gifts you buy, but it’s not reasonable for your DD to hear you having sex. I also am not sure what you mean by ‘spend a lot of time together’ - is he always there? Do you stay overnight at his instead? What do you do for yourself, with other friends and so on?

Im holding nothing against her, but pointing out the obvious that going from just u and ur mum, to now having the new partner there, his kids, and hearing them have sex is a huge change.

Obviously hearing your mum having sex is toe curlingly awkward and horrible, but aside from that I think she needs to get a grip. I would have been more preoccupied at her age with wanting my mum to be happy and worrying about her feeling lonely - I would have been pleased that she had found happiness with a partner. She knows damn well that you aren’t replacing her, she’s just being dramatic and manipulative. You’ve spent 18 years giving her your all and have obviously reassured her that you will continue to do so. I do see a lot of self indulgence in teenagers and young adults at the moment, and it seems to be getting worse.

I’m not sure you sound very mature about this yourself OP tbh
you seem to take an extreme view of thinking you’re in an impossible situation and it’s him or your daughter when in fact it seems like you just to need to consider your daughter more while dating
keep the noise down, that’s really not ok, twice now and you’re skimming over it like it’s not your doing or your problem
your daughter is very clearly acting out as she feels insecure, of course it’s ok for your to date but your relationship with your daughter should still be very valuable to you and treated as such. This is a very drastic change in lifestyle and her connection with you will feel under threat, just be kind and supportive and talk to her about how’s she’s feeling rather than dismissing her as a blocker. Yes she’s 18 and has her own life but she won’t actually be that emotionally mature yet and you need to consider how you would feel if you don’t keep this relationship healthy (not meaning you have to roll over and accept poor behaviour) you are and always will be her parent

Of course she’s making a big deal about hearing you having sex, twice!!!! No 18 yo wants to hear that. She’s had you to herself her whole life, of course she’s going to feel pushed out.

Do you have noisy sex when his children are staying over in your/his house?

If you are then that's not on.

If you are not, then ask yourself why and apply that thinking to your own daughter.

You found happiness which is great but you don't have to burn your existing relationships to facilitate it. Have a little more compassion and understanding or your relationship with your daughter could be permanently damaged.

Your daughter is in that liminal space where she is an adult in some ways, probably with dreams of uni/work/own place, but still very much a child in needing your secure base to explore the world from.
It's great that she was able to tell you what the issue was with hearing you having sex, but most teens would be horrified to hear their parents or equivalent having sex! Parents don't do that, and teenagers have newly discovered sex which old people like their parents have never known about.
It's a really tricky time for you both but you probably need to adjust your behaviour and what's happening in your life so your daughter doesn't feel pushed out etc.

I never allowed anyone to stay over until my adult children moved out. It was their home and they had the right to feel safe and secure.

Nobody wants to hear other people having sex no matter what age or relationship.

You do deserve happiness but accept that it is hard for her to have a strange man invading her home which is her safe space.
Have a calm conversation with her about how she is feeling and what she thinks are her boundaries. Then it's all negotiable.

Show your daughter some respect and shut up when your having sex, it’s completely unnecessary for her to repeatedly hear you.

How grim for your DD. She obviously doesn't like a non familial male in her safe place. Then add on the fact she has heard you having sex, more than once... grim.

She's used to having all your focus and efforts on her. It is a big really because I doubt it that your partner will be as driven to support her as much as you have been doing. That said if he is a good guy she will benefit in other ways having him around. If I were you I would talk to your partner and organise the odd day out where it's only the both of you and her. You could both put more focus on her for that day so she sees the benefits of it instead of the downsides. Once the benefits of the whole thing becomes apparent to her, the rest will fall away

This! I have 2 adult children at home, 18 and 22. I am still married to their Dad and would be mortified if they heard us having sex. You are being incredibly unfair to your daughter here.

You just need to keep letting her know that she will always be your Dd, your little girl, and this man is an extra addition to your life, not a replacement for her.

But further ahead: he has young children. How do you see your relationship in 3, 5, 10 years? Would you be moving in and essentially becoming step mum to these children? Will your holidays be him and his kids?

She is feeling insecure. At an age where independence is on the horizon but would entail leaving her cosy home and from her PoV seeing a man take her place.

Or she sees herself leaving the nest to be replaced by his young children!

Of course you are not wrong to want a relationship, but the way that you put about it suggests that this is a new freedom for you … I.e without responsibility for your Dd. That has nuances that she will be picking up.

Be patient, listen to her, ask her how she feels seeing her Mum start a relationship. Ask her how she thinks you might feel seeing her get a boyfriend.

you could stay at his house instead?

I've also been on my own with the dc for nearly their entire lives. Would I be having sex when they could hear it? Absolutely not. You've already said your daughter is often out.. I decided when my boys reached 16 and 14 that I would concentrate on enjoying their company and being available whenever they are for the last few years. If the man if my dreams came along, I might try and make something work, but the dc would always be my priority.

Agree with other PP that of course it’s absolutely great you’ve met someone but the fact your dd isn’t comfortable with this man staying needs to be respected and discussed with her.

And yes having sex so that she can hear is grim and very disrespectful. Have some boundaries around this.