Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

What happened? I didn’t read that thread

I'd be making that move very quickly before you've got two lazy unmotivated 20 year olds living with you.

Yes, that does concentrate the mind!

I've always planned to provide a home for my children for life.

I would end a relationship where that wasn't an option

Children can need support at different stages of life for all sorts of reasons. I went through an awful trauma in my early twenties I am so grateful my parents had a home where I was still welcome

The OPs DP plan to provide a home for his children for life is HEAVILY weighted toward the OP providing said home for HIS children though

Their father hasn't done that though hasn't he.

Oh I agree. That's why I think he's so irresponsible. He's had 4 children and doesn't seem to be able to house any of them

Ah sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you were implying the OP shouldn't be looking to relocate.

@CleanOurWater That’s great, because you’re planning to provide the home.

In this case, the OP has been providing the home because she owns 75% of their house and they’re not married.

If her DP wants to provide a home for life, he needs to figure out how to do that, just like you. If he decides to end the relationship, he’ll still need to work that out on his own.

We did move from a 4bed (where SC had their own rooms) to a 3 bed for school catchment for our shared child. The SC were late teens and came on an ad-hoc basis by that time. Our 3rd bedroom was made a guest room and we have sofa bed downstairs in the office.

It was fine actually. Both SC lived in the guest room for periods and very, very occasionally the sofa bed and guest room was used.

We are 20 years on from this stage now and have a good relationship.

My mum did this because of my stepdad. I was 18 and offered a sofa bed in the living room. I never went back I am now 46 and never felt welcomed. You knew he had three kids when you chose to marry him and have a child with him.

The OP didn't marry him... and they have clearly defined the financial roles and assets in their relationship.

I generally am of the same opinion as you. I cant imagine my stepson not living in my house whether that's full time or part time or just visiting when he is in college or thereafter... but like you said I married my husband and we had thought out discussions about joint assets and our children (step or biological) having equal rights and equal opportunities etc. The OP and her partner have a very different setup and always have. The OPs partner should have been bettering himself financially to ensure he could maintain a big enough house for all his kids.

I think moving to a 4 bed nearer the better school makes sense. A 3 bed is pushing it. Yes, his dc don't spend loads of time there right now, but they should still feel that they have a home with their dad.
In a 3 bed, there's one bedroom for you and dp, one for shared dc and then just one left for all three of his other dc/ the option of a sofa bed.
I wouldn't be optimistic that 19 year olds are going to be living independently any time soon and they may want to spend more time at dads once they finish college.

I also don't think that you being the main earner means you get more weighting in the decision. Whoever pays what, it is the family home, and ideally you would reach a compromise that suits both of you.

@Summerunlover Was it related to school options for your younger sibling(s) or did they move for other reasons?

I think it’s also important to acknowledge that the OP isn’t married to her DP so there are no marital assets.

@Minnie798 The problem is where will the extra money for a four-bed come from? The OP says that she can’t afford it.

Her DP really needs to look at his finances and see what he can do to make a four-bed possible.

That all sounds lovely in theory but the OP has mentioned she is the main earner because a) she owns 75% of the house and b) her DP can't even afford half the current house, how will he magic up the funds for a 4th bedroom the OP has clearly said she's can't afford?

Why are you plotting this nonsense at this stage - 8 months !! You don’t know this man - why are your teenagers not your priority? Clearly they have already been through a family breakdown which no matter how civilised you both were and are will have emotionally derailed them. No child wants to live with a man that isn’t their Dad or other kids that aren’t their siblings - ask any adult who has been through this - it just adds another complication of emotional stress - why can’t you prioritise a calm and peaceful home with you focused on your teenagers recovery and development for the next 5 years? Why would anyone do this to their children - for money ? for cock?

@BlatchFord You mention that your DP is expecting a big inheritance. Perhaps his parents would be willing to help him out now as it’s for their GC’s benefit?

If they paid down his student loans, for example, he’d have more to put towards a house.

OP as stepmother to 3 older SDC, please put your child first. Your ultimate responsibility is to your child, not your step-children or even your partner. They should always come second.
It had taken me some time to change my mindset to this and prioritise my children over my sdc and it has been the best thing I could’ve done.

I can understand your perspective and I feel the same about DS. But although I’ve known them for most of their life, I rarely see SSs, and their behaviour when I do is not something I’d want to live with.

If they were to live with us, I’d want them to be working or studying full-time (and actually going), being respectful, not being loud at antisocial hours, tidying up after themselves… Unfortunately this is not behaviour they’ve demonstrated for the last five years at least.

This gave me the biggest ick of the day.

Sorry, I may have misunderstood. I though the op said she could easily afford a 2 or 3 bed house on her own in the nice part of town and that dp isn't actually a low earner, just that she earns more than he does. So a 4 bed with two incomes vs a 3 bed with only one sounded doable.

She can afford it because she will get 75% of the equity plus her deposit from the sale of existing 5 bed house.

He isn’t a low earner, he's a low household contributor because he has maintenace and lots of personal debt.

Your partner seems to be enabling their immature behaviour. It seems to me that he needs to sit down with them and lay out the fact that he is not legally expected to support them much longer and ask what they intend to do to support themselves. He seems to be babying them (out of guilt?), but this is not actually benefitting them. He can say that he will subsidise cars or phones, but they need to work to pay for other things- like normal people do. I'd also be tempted to point out (re: giving them money whenever he gets your shared child something) that they have already had 10 years worth of more presents so how will he even that up??

But he is tho ? He’s actively choosing to give your DS a shit education to accommodate his two loser weed smoking sons - I literally wouldn’t want them around my DS 20 nights a year - never mind moving in permanently on the premise of more options for jobs locally.

If your DH is so desperate to continue indulging these wasters to assuage his own guilt - then let him cough up the £700/months maintenance / car insurance and phones (probs another £500/month?) - and switch to a flat rental to house these disruptive man babies.

Looks to me like your parenting values are so polarised - but he has fleeced you for the last 10 years at least.

Nonsense!

If the 30% is poor teaching or discipline then the OP's son will suffer. AND then will have to move.

Education comes first