Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

Maybe I’m filling in the blanks here, but I would imagine DP would still need to contribute to the same level to SC’s mum, or she will expect SSs to move in with us. As DP has always wanted SC to move in, this is going to be a no-brainer to him.

The £700ish he pays to her wouldn’t go down by 2/3 in August though, I think it’s something like 16% of pre-tax income for one child and 22% for three. And the car, phones and so on would stay the same.

This is true. I do think, though, that he’s an optimist who will think SSs will magically transform into model citizens with a bit of guidance, and DS is a genius who will flourish anywhere.

At the end of the day it comes down to prioritising DS’s education or SSs’ comfort. I would pick the former and I think he’ll pick the latter.

He’s due a big inheritance at some point and wants it all to go directly to his children.

I have built up quite significant assets over the past decade and he hasn’t.

He has become far too comfortable with you supporting and subsidising him. The absolute audacity of him to think of handing his inheritance over to his children when you’ve sacrificed so much for him and them! That’s pretty shocking and disrespectful towards you imo.

I’m not sure that this is sustainable. Obviously you should downsize and move for the sake of your son, but ultimately it may take the ending of the relationship for him to pull his head out of his arse and sort out his finances. I think he just expects that you’ll always be there to financially support whatever he wants for himself and his children. Moving will hopefully be a bit of a wake up call for him.

@BlatchFord Well, he’s got to work out how he can afford what he wants, hasn’t he. You’ve provided a five-bedrooms house up to now; going forward, you can’t. That’s life, circumstances change. Given that you’re not married, you’ve been incredibly generous.

Yes, it’s nice to be lovely Dad who pays for phones and car insurance indefinitely, but if it’s no longer affordable, perhaps they’ll have to get cheaper phones and perhaps they’ll have to get jobs and contribute to their car insurance. As neither of them work, presumably their parents also pay for the car (s), the petrol, maintenance, etc.?

My DD (20) is at uni and also works a few hours a week- far more in the holidays. The twins sound a lazy pair tbh.

She can't force him to contribute to the same level.... and she can't force him to house the twins. But he seems like a pushover and trying to play Disney Dad.

Of course he'll still have financial obligations for the 16yr old.

But if he honestly wants to put a 20yr olds phone bill ahead of a 10yr Olds schooling then he's not a good Dad.

Also I am curious… does he show the same level of preference and care for his daughter or is it only the twin boys that elicit this in him?

I can understand his perspective, his parents also divorced and a lot of money went to solicitors. His parents are very anal about everything being exactly split between him and his brother, and he is the same. He won’t buy a teddy for DS without putting a fiver in each of SC’s bedrooms. It’s tedious but it’s his finances (and another reason I don’t want shared finances).

We’ve always lived to the standard he can afford, which means I’ve built up quite a lot of savings and investments including 75% of the equity. If we split, I don’t feel ripped off.

I really hope you find a way through this OP, that doesn't involve splitting up. How committed is your DP about staying together?

He treats them all equally as much as he can.

SD has had a very calm adolescence compared to her big brothers. She’s been with her boyfriend for years, she babysits for the neighbours and she does TikTok dances. She’s a sweet girl.

@BudgetBuster Yes, I’m getting Disney Dad vibes too. He wants to be seen as providing all the perks, whereas the reality is that he’s relying on the OP to provide the housing for his three older children and they’re not even married!

He needs to face reality and seriously assess his outgoings. If he really wants to afford a four-bedroom house, he should prioritize that.

Doesn’t sound like compromise is part of his vocabulary.

Echoing others - don’t sacrifice your DS’s education or opportunities for your DPs ego, ask your DP how he would level up educational opportunities seeing as his first three children have had access to much better schooling.

Incidentally, what’s the pre tax child support for a 4th child but with a different mother? Does that go back up to 16% Or is it a quarter of 22%??

Exactly 💯

Nothing stopping him from saying... well let's move to a 3 bed with potential to extend (a garden room or a converted garage would be ideal for the twins). He could cut down the maintenance in the summer and put that money toward refurbishments or a payment plan on the garden room in addition to cutting down the contribution to 20yr stepsons (e.g. still pay the phone, they get jobs to run the cars).

Or he can go take his 25% equity and land himself back in an apartment again.

It’s a quarter of the 22%. Over three kids it doesn’t increase.

But the twins will no longer be part of it in a few months.

I wouldn't want to keep the extra rooms for adult/near adult children that barely stay over. I would downsize to a 3 bed, 1 bedroom for you and DH, 1 for DS, 1 for SD and incase SS wants to stop I'd get a pull out sofa bed for living room.

To be honest, our relationship has floundered in recent years. I wanted a second child, he didn’t, we did counselling but I think I’ve always held a bit of resentment over that. Then once SSs started being difficult, he spent a lot of evenings over in their town, taking them to McDonald’s and keeping them out of trouble, plus an evening with SD to be fair.

As a result DS and I have spent a lot of time as a duo and are very close.

I would not want to live with SSs now, partly because we can’t afford to whilst living somewhere that DS can go to a good school, and partly because they’re now adults that I’ve had very little part in raising and have little in common with. So if that’s what he’s expecting, we will need to separate unfortunately.

We used to talk a lot about how we’d enjoy our retirement once all the kids have grown up, but I don’t know if we have the same vision anymore.

Gosh that’s really tough for single parents with children who have multiple half siblings then.

Doesn’t seem right either that he’d be no worse off. His ex might be miffed at having to split her share further.

Anyway OO I hope you can bring him along with you in this, I would suggest a neutral third party to help navigate if needs be.

If we split, I think he’d want 50/50 with DS. But that’s the last thing I’d want if SSs were living with him.

That's nice for him to want... but where's he going to put him? On a sofabed in the kitchen? He can't afford the stability your son needs.

Step parent here. SD 19, DS 17 and 14. We live in a 3 bed house. Boys used to share and SD had own room. She used to come to use one weeknight and one or two weekend nights every week pre Covid. Post Covid she was older, wanted to spend her weekends with friends, didn't need picking up from school midweek and visits became more infrequent. No falling out, just very typical teenage lifestyle change. She spoke with me a couple of years ago and suggested that her brother have her room as he's getting older and needs his own space. I said "but what about you, we want you to feel welcome and have your own space" and she said "I don't sleep here all the time, when I do he can sleep in with (youngest) on the bunks" so we compromised, it's become the 17's room but her stuff is still in there as well as his. She very very very rarely sleeps here now. She works full time including weekend shifts. We do see her and our relationships are all good. We could only afford a 3 bed in the cheapest town 15 years ago and that's still pretty much the case! Before that we were in a 2 bed flat where the 2 older ones shared a room. I say all this to give you a reason to have a conversation with the 19 year olds especially. "we're looking at moving to another house and just want to chat about what you'd want in that house" If the 19 year olds could share dorm room style, that would at least make some difference. 5 beds are so expensive. Are the 19s staying with you for the full weekends every weekend? And they live an hour away? What do they do when there are parties? I see they're still in 6th form college but do they have part time jobs? Sports? Hobbies? It's hard to see the teenagers who live with me full time because they're so busy!

Are there any housing options with a granny annexe type set up or a home office shed thing or garage that could be converted into a bedroom? Or a reception room that could double up as a bedroom and something else?

I totally understand the need to make the SC feel welcome and that this is still one of their family homes.

However - and this is a big point - if your husband is the one who's absolutely immovable about the number of bedrooms, could he not just earn more?! And make the difference that would mean you could afford a bigger place in the area you want to be in?!

Finally, if your youngest is bright and doing well, if they've got good support at home and access to all sorts of opportunities and conversations, even if they go to the closest school, they can still do very well. My boys both have been at our most local high school and it's been in special measures, all sorts of things, and they've both been top 5-10% in all subjects, the older one did well in GCSEs, has good predicted A Levels and offers from every uni he's applied to, including Russel Group red bricks. Sure, they've had to be a bit more resilient but home is where the biggest difference is made. The more "successful" school in a posher local area that we can't afford to live in should also have to share the data on how many of their pupils attend paid for tutoring because every teen I know at that school is going to tutors on top of their time in school and everyone sings the praises of how wonderful the teaching is there. If it's so wonderful, why do you all need these extra classes?

Anyway. Talk to the SC about the home situation. They'll probably take for granted that you'll always live in the same place. Talk with your husband, share this whole thread with him.

If you split it shouldn't matter what you or DH want. It will be about what is best for your child.
And of course your DH should get a say in what school DS goes to as well

I get your wish to prioritise DS education but your DS is one of 4 of his dad's children so compromise may be needed.

Your DH was really selfish to start a second family and put everyone in this position

A sale can be forced legally.

not cheap or say but doable

There was a thread a few months back when a DP suddenly announced his adult son would be moving in with them when the new house went through.

I think you're future-proofing for your partner's eldest expecting to move in when the benefit/child support gravy train ends. You're right to - it's almost certainly what will happen. You're making your house a less attractive option for that option.

I think this relationship is over, bar the shouting. Good luck with it all.

I'd be making that move very quickly before you've got two lazy unmotivated 20 year olds living with you.
You're doing the right thing prioritising your son's education.

If we split DP would also want DS going to the better school. SC have had the opportunity of a decent education; he wouldn’t choose for DS to have worse out of malice.