DPs son and how he treats him

[JadeJunction]

I feel sick even typing this because I dont know if Im just hormonal or what Im 7 months pregnant due in May and weve been together nearly 2 and a half years and most of the time were fine but lately I keep noticing stuff and its making me feel weird about things

DP has 3 boys 8, 7 and the youngest just turned 4 in Jan their mum walked out one day when he was 1 just left apparently no big dramatic story just packed a bag and went and she doesnt see them at all not birthdays not xmas nothing so its just been DP and the boys and now me

I love them I really do but Im not their mum and I try not to overstep but the way he is with the youngest is different and I cant unsee it

He never cuddles him like ever the older two get high fives and messing about and he’ll sit and watch football with them but the little one goes to sit next to him and he tells him to stop fidgeting or go play he hates him getting into our bed in the morning the older two wouldnt anyway but if the 4 year old comes in for a cuddle DP huffs and tells him to get back to his own bed and says hes too old for that now which just feels harsh to me because hes only just 4

Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him

I know accidents arent nice and its not fun dealing with it but the way he spoke to him felt like it was more than just frustration like he was angry at him as a person if that makes sense

He says hes harder on him because he doesnt want him growing up soft and that the older two had it worse when their mum left and they got on with it but he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him and it kills me and DP just says dont start that again

I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes but with the little one its always stop crying stop whining man up youre not a baby anymore

Im pregnant with his baby and I keep thinking what if its a boy what if he treats him like that too or what if he treats him better and the 4 year old notices I dont know if its pregnancy hormones making me dramatic

The older two copy him as well they call him cry baby and tell him to grow up and DP doesnt really shut it down properly just says pack it in half hearted

Maybe Im too soft maybe because Im carrying a baby Im extra sensitive to it I just dont know if this is normal dad stuff and Im interfering or if its actually not right

Theres loads more little things but this is already long I just need someone outside of this house to tell me if Im seeing something that isnt there or if my gut is right and I need to actually say something properly to him before May comes and theres another baby in the mix

Oh that was upsetting to read. Is the little boy at school yet?

Do your partner have any family that would support you standing up to him?

That poor little boy. Thank God he has you.

Does your DH not understand the damage he’s doing?!

This is heartbreaking as he's being rejected by both parents. Thank God he's got you. Please be kind to him

Could you go to family therapy in the hope it'll help your dh to change towards him? Do you think he blames the little one for his mum leaving or something?

This is very wrong. He is not parenting this 4-y-o, is picking on him and is modelling that the older boys can have at him, too.

I have no suggestions as to how to handle this situation because it is severe and beyond my competence - I am commenting as a parent, with no relevant expertise beyond that. But I just wanted to confirm tjat you are not wrong - it is NOT the hormones - that there is something off, amd the boy needs someone to be looking out for him re his dad's poor behaviour.

he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him
Heartbreaking.

Oh my life this is terrible behaviour from a father to a child of any age but a 4 year old?!

I don’t say this lightly but the 4 year old would be better off in care.
Or he will grow up with his own self esteem and emotional issues and the future could go into self harm/ drugs all sorts.

I think your maternal instincts have got stronger being pregnant and probably feeling your baby moving every day is waking up every motherly instinct you have and you want to protect the 4 year old and rightly so. You are the only person who can do right by this little boy as his dad and brothers are bully’s.

God help you if you have a boy.

I think dp must blame the youngest for something, maybe the mum leaving? Does he look more like his mum?
Is this child biologically his?
Did he not want a 3rd child which rings alarm bells as you are having his 4th.

Not violent and works when he can. Not the highest bar.

This is not normal, my OH cuddles our 3 and 5 year old daily, would never dream of punishing them for a toilet accident, he might get frustrated but will always apologise. This kid doesn’t have his mum, he can’t remember her, he’s grasping onto anything, someone, something and his only parent left is rejecting him. I can’t imagine the emotional damage to a one year old with a mum walking out, if anything he would have had it worse because his little baby self wouldn’t have understood and she would have been who he would have had attachment to naturally. He needs to stop telling a 4 year old to man up as well…it’s unnecessary and cruel. Tbh, if my partner was to speak to our sons like that, I’d be reading him the riot act.

No you’re not unreasonable. The baby you’re carrying will be their sibling. You are his mum, and you’re mum to all the boys. You need to have a long conversation with your partner about his awful parenting.

That is heartbreaking to read. He's only little. I feel so sad for him.

It's not right. What your DP is doing is emotional abuse. Read up on it.

What do you mean, works when he can?

Some major alarm bells ringing here OP. Is there a chance he maybe thinks he’s not the biological father of his youngest? Just a thought.

Hes in nursery at the moment starts school in Sept

DPs mum lives about 40 mins away we see her sometimes but shes very much the type that says boys need a firm hand and they were all raised like that so I dont know how much support Id actually get there if Im honest

I do stand up for him sometimes but then DP says Im undermining him in front of the kids which turns into a whole other argument so half the time I try and pick my battles

And just to say he does work its just agency stuff so its not steady like that if it rains they cancel the jobs and if one of the kids is ill he has to stay home with them because the mum isnt around obviously so thats what I meant by works when he can

The thing is the little one still absolutely adores him thats the sad bit he follows him round the house constantly asking what hes doing trying to help him with things or climbing up next to him on the sofa trying to sit on his lap and half the time DP just tells him to get off or go play somewhere else but then five minutes later hes back again trying

I dont think hes not his kid or anything like that they look alike actually same eyes and everything and I dont think the third child thing is it either because he wanted this baby with me so I dont know

I just keep thinking maybe Im seeing it worse because Im around it all the time and being pregnant probably doesnt help my emotions right now

That poor child. His father is a piece of shit to treat him like that.

What an abusive prick. Come on op your dp is horrible and you know it. I feel so sad for that little boy.

The thing is the little one still absolutely adores him thats the sad bit he follows him round the house constantly asking what hes doing trying to help him with things or climbing up next to him on the sofa trying to sit on his lap and half the time DP just tells him to get off or go play somewhere else but then five minutes later hes back again trying

Poor little thing. Would it kill your dh to be kind to him FFS. Is he too damn lazy to bother himself with him?
He's going to feel even more pushed out when the baby comes along if your dh doesn't start making more of an effort with him. He might start acting up and then your dh will be even nastier to him.

This man is a monster to his own child.

Tell your midwife your concerns they can refer for help maybe parenting support for the dad but frankly you need to consider your options

Honestly OP your DH is fucking horrible. My heart breaks for that little boy. I am surprised that you can stay with someone like that.

Does DP blame the four year old for their mother leaving because she couldn’t cope with a third baby?

The thing is, your DP's parenting is out of touch and very unkind. But the massive issue to me is when you try to talk about it, try to get your partner to understand and to show kindness to the lost little boy you too are basically told to shut up because he doesn't agree with your own style of parenting.

You are not being valued, just like the sons and tbh, it is a real gamble if your child together will be either and I suspect not. The damage your partner is doing to his children and to an extent to you isn't acceptable. What a sad, horrible situation to be in and am so sorry. I would normally say perhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship but it fills me with real sadness that the boys will all lose the one person in the family unit that is kind, sensible and their only advocate. You must look after yourself and your baby on the way though.

I honestly don’t think I’ll sleep tonight after reading your post. That poor little soul. My heart is breaking for him.
Do you love him? Are you able to show him love?

The person who needs to man up here is you.
You need to stand up to your DH and tell him to pack this behaviour in.
It’s wrong and you know it is and you’re letting it happen. Can you not see the damage in this little boys future if this continues.

Poor boy, please look after him. Consider asking for parental responsibility for all the big boys too.

He told a 4 year old who'd had a poo accident to sort himself out and shouted at him.............. Firstly how could a 4 year old sort that out?
Secondly, is he really that ignorant not to know that you NEVER do this? . This is cruel, its neglect, its abuse. Can you ring nspcc for some advice, they have a helpline? I think this is really worrying.

My daughter has just turned 6 and imagining anyone treating her like this is heartbreaking, let alone her Dad. Why are you having a baby with this horrible man?