DPs son and how he treats him

[JadeJunction]

I feel sick even typing this because I dont know if Im just hormonal or what Im 7 months pregnant due in May and weve been together nearly 2 and a half years and most of the time were fine but lately I keep noticing stuff and its making me feel weird about things

DP has 3 boys 8, 7 and the youngest just turned 4 in Jan their mum walked out one day when he was 1 just left apparently no big dramatic story just packed a bag and went and she doesnt see them at all not birthdays not xmas nothing so its just been DP and the boys and now me

I love them I really do but Im not their mum and I try not to overstep but the way he is with the youngest is different and I cant unsee it

He never cuddles him like ever the older two get high fives and messing about and he’ll sit and watch football with them but the little one goes to sit next to him and he tells him to stop fidgeting or go play he hates him getting into our bed in the morning the older two wouldnt anyway but if the 4 year old comes in for a cuddle DP huffs and tells him to get back to his own bed and says hes too old for that now which just feels harsh to me because hes only just 4

Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him

I know accidents arent nice and its not fun dealing with it but the way he spoke to him felt like it was more than just frustration like he was angry at him as a person if that makes sense

He says hes harder on him because he doesnt want him growing up soft and that the older two had it worse when their mum left and they got on with it but he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him and it kills me and DP just says dont start that again

I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes but with the little one its always stop crying stop whining man up youre not a baby anymore

Im pregnant with his baby and I keep thinking what if its a boy what if he treats him like that too or what if he treats him better and the 4 year old notices I dont know if its pregnancy hormones making me dramatic

The older two copy him as well they call him cry baby and tell him to grow up and DP doesnt really shut it down properly just says pack it in half hearted

Maybe Im too soft maybe because Im carrying a baby Im extra sensitive to it I just dont know if this is normal dad stuff and Im interfering or if its actually not right

Theres loads more little things but this is already long I just need someone outside of this house to tell me if Im seeing something that isnt there or if my gut is right and I need to actually say something properly to him before May comes and theres another baby in the mix

This is more than strict parenting Op, your DP doesn't like the poor boy. He probably blames him for the marriage ending, thinks the third child was too much so his Ex left, instead of facing his own flaws he chooses to take it out on the boy.
Either he'll treat your baby this way or he'll love the baby and this boy will see how unloved he is. Your DP needs therapy @JadeJunction or you need to take your DC away

I know you don’t want to hear this but any chance he blames him for the mum leaving/ having to look after the three children? Horrible to read op, I know you don’t want to overstep but thank goodness the child has you there

Your partner is a terrible person and an even worse father.
No idea why you decided to get pregnant by this man?!

If you don't stand up to him than the little boy has nobody basically. His dad and siblings all bully him. In your situation I would not be picking my battles, I would make sure I was on the boy's side everytime I felt it was needed. I'd rather he grew up knowing that he has some support at least than keep a grown up bully happy.

Also, the little boy doesn't adore his dad just because he is following him around and fighting for his attention. He's petrified and has abandonment issues, that's all that is. His dad is the only one he has got and his dad has shows him time and time again that he cannot stand him. Absolutely heart breaking to know this is happening and it's going to do untold damage to this little child.

If this is the man you want to hitch your wagon to then you need to make him see sense otherwise your child will also grow up in this dysfunctional situation.

What a horrible read 🙁 the poor boy is destined for attachment issues that will blight his life and future relationships. You need to advocate for him and seek support to challenge your DH.

This is blocked care.im interested in the circs around mum leaving. Was is pnd? Was it an unplanned pg?
in an ideal world his father needs therapy to overcome this and bind with his son but this seems unlikely.
the toilet training delay bothers me too. Also a sign of attachment issues.

If the boys live with you 100% of the time, then effectively you are their mum. Don’t feel guilty about mothering them and stepping in.

Just read your OP (HRTFT). That poor boy. I hope this isn't true because no child deserves to know the rejection of both parents at any age, let alone his whilst in nursery.
I know he's not your DS, but please get tough. You are in a position to make a huge difference. DP needs parenting classes to start with. He needs to know he's going to fuck this innocent child's entire life if this continues, so yes in my book he is a monster, and don't get me started on the fact he doesn't seem to reliably work full-time and the rest of the points you bring up.
This is the saddest post I've ever read on MN. My heart breaks for him.

I feel so sad and teary reading thst

please look after that baby , that feels so abusive

How is the little boy now?
did you help clean him up?
please cuddle and kiss him

Oh dear this poor kid. He’s being bullied from such a young age he’ll have such low confidence he”ll be bullied in school.

does your hubby think this boy is not his child?

you have a right to be concerned you need family therapy

Something about the younger son is triggering the Dad. He needs to acknowledge his own feelings and challenge them and grow up. He’s the adult and the boy needs him. It’s not too late but he needs to face up to what’s going on.

This is awful and quite emotionally abusive. You need to pull him up on it every single time. Or maybe record / film and play back to him so he can have some perspective.

maybe he blames him for his ex for leaving. I can’t imagine it’s going to get any easier adding another one either. Seems like 4 year old is going to be the permanent scape goat and punching bag.

I wish I hadn’t read this post. That poor little boy. Literally no one cares about him. You’re wrong what you said, his father is a monster. Think of the emotional damage he’s doing to that poor boy. You need to sit down with him and have a honest conversation. Show him this thread if he thinks you’re being dramatic, we all think the same!!!!
I would behaving serious worries about having a child with this man.

I too think he blames his son for his wife leaving.

My DH had his mother take her own life when he was a baby, and their father blamed him (and his twin). They were always treated very differently to their older siblings (eg. the only ones not allowed to go to private schools, had to go into school when they were ill, not allowed friends home, no birthday parties etc). It's heartbreaking to hear how they were treated - and it sounds like your DP is doing the same to his youngest because he blames him.

I don't really know what to advise, but please make sure that little boy is well loved by you 😢

Op you are in their life and their mum is not. You absolutely can be a care giver and another person who loves them. You should be support the younger one giving him extra cuddles and making him feel welcome.

what if you have a boy and he treats him like this ?

This.
im so upset by this post and can’t stop thinking of the small boy

my boy is also 4 and I can’t imagine this. They’re still a baby and they need so much love, care patience and kindness

What an evil prick. How can you even look at him, he’s a child abusing wanker

This is really hard and upsetting to read, please know you are not being hormonal at all - look at everyone’s reactions to a small child being treated that way.

im not going to say LTB as you are pregnant and I worry more about your youngest not having you there, but could you suggest family counselling? Or speak to your hv about parenting classes? You could try pass it off as to support everyone when new baby comes if you don’t want to rock the boat.

DH used to ignore DS when he annoyed him. I told him it was actually abusive to just withdraw from a child like that, which he didn’t believe me about. I sent him some screenshots basically saying it’s abusive and damaging and I think that shocked him into changing (well, to DS, he still ignores me but that’s a different story!)

My heart hurts for your son. They are all your sons because you are now bringing them up. Before number 4 comes you need to be very strong and have serious words with DP about his parenting and more importantly what will happen when new baby comes. I'm sure you've considered this. Looking at 3's sensitivities, this may get worse and he'll seek more affection. I too, am glad that you're there to compensate for DP's poor parenting which may not entirely be his fault because he doesn't appear to know any better. I hope your midwife can suggest some avenues and that he'll accept that he needs and should take the help. He also needs to accept that you are their mother and you have a voice that should be heard. As usual, when discussing topics with a prickly bloke, it's all about the way you say it. Please stand firm when you want to cuddle the boy, you're the mum, he needs it, you should give it. Hope it all goes well.

Hi OP,
Ive just come back this morning to signpost to the organisation, Family Lives. They might be able to advise you how to support your 4 year old stepson and give you some support too.

"Family Lives services are free to access and here to support you with parenting and family challenges. Get one-to-one support through our free helpline on 0808 800 2222, live chat or message us via WhatsApp on 07441 444125 to connect with experienced professional family support workers and highly-trained volunteers"

Oh OP that poor little boy he’s only 4. That’s awful behaviour from your partner and I’d be very concerned indeed for that little lad.

I agree that you should show him this thread. Might be a wake up call for him. I have a dc that age and I can’t imagine treating her with such cruelty. We all have moments of frustration but constantly rejecting them and offering no kindness or affection is neglect. It will affect the poor boy and when your baby comes along and everyone has even less time for him it’ll be even worse for him. No doubt when he inevitably starts acting up in a few years your dh will be completely oblivious as to the reasons and probably blame him again for being a ‘problem child.’

You need to come down hard on this. Doesn’t matter that you’re not his bio mum. She’s not there, you are. Someone needs to advocate for this poor kid.

@90sTrifle
you can @ the OP without quoting the entire post to reply with 7 words.

I doubt he will listen to a bunch of women on mumsnet.
He needs someone professional to explain to him