DPs son and how he treats him

[JadeJunction]

I feel sick even typing this because I dont know if Im just hormonal or what Im 7 months pregnant due in May and weve been together nearly 2 and a half years and most of the time were fine but lately I keep noticing stuff and its making me feel weird about things

DP has 3 boys 8, 7 and the youngest just turned 4 in Jan their mum walked out one day when he was 1 just left apparently no big dramatic story just packed a bag and went and she doesnt see them at all not birthdays not xmas nothing so its just been DP and the boys and now me

I love them I really do but Im not their mum and I try not to overstep but the way he is with the youngest is different and I cant unsee it

He never cuddles him like ever the older two get high fives and messing about and he’ll sit and watch football with them but the little one goes to sit next to him and he tells him to stop fidgeting or go play he hates him getting into our bed in the morning the older two wouldnt anyway but if the 4 year old comes in for a cuddle DP huffs and tells him to get back to his own bed and says hes too old for that now which just feels harsh to me because hes only just 4

Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him

I know accidents arent nice and its not fun dealing with it but the way he spoke to him felt like it was more than just frustration like he was angry at him as a person if that makes sense

He says hes harder on him because he doesnt want him growing up soft and that the older two had it worse when their mum left and they got on with it but he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him and it kills me and DP just says dont start that again

I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes but with the little one its always stop crying stop whining man up youre not a baby anymore

Im pregnant with his baby and I keep thinking what if its a boy what if he treats him like that too or what if he treats him better and the 4 year old notices I dont know if its pregnancy hormones making me dramatic

The older two copy him as well they call him cry baby and tell him to grow up and DP doesnt really shut it down properly just says pack it in half hearted

Maybe Im too soft maybe because Im carrying a baby Im extra sensitive to it I just dont know if this is normal dad stuff and Im interfering or if its actually not right

Theres loads more little things but this is already long I just need someone outside of this house to tell me if Im seeing something that isnt there or if my gut is right and I need to actually say something properly to him before May comes and theres another baby in the mix

Some people think being harsh results in better behaviour. I've found the opposite. Kids behave better when they feel loved and secure and valued and have a good relationship with parents. The little boy will eventually give up and start acting out his unhappiness and be treated even worse as a result.

I’m a step mum and I found this awful to read. The poor little boy. If my DH had treated any of his DC like that, I’d have torn him a new one, so hard and fast, he’d have been spinning. I absolutely would not tolerate any of that.
Sit him down and tell him, it stops, now. And if he refuses? You’ve bigger decisions to make. He IS damaging that child.

I saw a few people saying tell the midwife but I really dont want to do that it feels like a massive step and I dont want people coming in judging our whole family over one thing Ive posted about online if that makes sense

About him blaming the youngest for their mum leaving I honestly dont know he doesnt really talk about that time much at all the only thing he says sometimes is that the little one was a nightmare toddler never slept always crying and he was trying to look after the older two as well when their mum had gone so maybe he just remembers that time as really stressful I dont know

When Ive mentioned before about how he moves him away when he tries to sit on his lap or climb on him he just says he cant sit there cuddling him all day hes got other things to do and the other two didnt need that much attention at that age

What do you want to do? I think you are being way too soft on your partner and he's just dismissing your concerns. Are you scared of him in any way? I realise that they are his children but it's everyones responsibility to speak up when we see a child being abused. If he won't listen to you then you will need to speak to somebody else who will handle him. There is a poor little child on the recieving end of his bullshit, somebody needs to help him.

He’s abusive. But you don’t want to admit that.

So what are you going to do about a man abusing a child in front of your eyes?

Does your husband suspect the youngest child might be the result of an affair?

I'm sorry OP but your partner doesn't sound like a good person at all. What he is subjecting his youngest child to is emotional abuse. His behaviour after the accident in the park is horrendous. He is setting his child up for a lifetime of very low self esteem and emotional insecurity.
I don't know what you can do about it but it is not normal behaviour by a parent

Absolutely heartbreaking to read 😭. Please hug that little boy whenever you can. His dad's a prick

You are not overreacting and you sound really nice, but your last post is really disappointing.

You need to get help for this poor boy. Your partner is neglecting him and emotionally abusing him.
Imagine what would have happened to that poor little boy if you hadn't been there after the park! It doesn't bear thinking about.

I don't know how you can even look at this man.
I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes

I always say it and I'm going to say it again.
The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades!

I think this is just about the saddest thing I have read on this forum. That poor poor little boy. His mummy didn’t want him and his daddy doesn’t want him either.

I’m not clever enough to know what to do but I sure as shit would have to do something. I want to sit on a settee with that little boy, with a fleece blanket and cuddle him for hours. I’m sorry OP but I could t live in a house with a man who treats his baby boy like this and there is no way on earth I’d be bringing my child up around him.

That is a hard hard read.

That poor poor child.

I rarely say this.
You need to over step and you need to be that child's mother (and probably the older boys too)

The father or your child imo sounds like a total piece of shit to be completely honest.

I do stand up for him sometimes but then DP says Im undermining him in front of the kids which turns into a whole other argument so half the time I try and pick my battles

You need a separate conversation when kids are asleep are whatever. Pick more battles and be really fucking clear its your way or no way.
I would also be a broken record "I am not undermining you, I am preventing you from abusing of a small child". If you dont me to disagree with you and for this to stop happening then stop bullying and abusing your child, show him a crumb of affection instead of taking out whatever resentment you have for your ex or yhe world on a defenceless 4 Yr old....

I hope you helped him when he got home. Poor poor baby. I have a 4 yo and this is heartbreaking to read.

Totally pointless now as you are where you are but I dont know what you were thinking moving in and getting pregnant in under 2 years. Just madness...

Fascinating he wasnt up for a 3rd child with his ex (to the point its being implied as a reasonable explanation for his abuse!?!?!) but a 4th child with you was fan-tastic idea he is onboard with... have a think about why they might be ....

I would be taking a very clear hard line with him on your youngest. The abuse has to stop.
That poor child. Jesus christ.
On some level i hope this is made up.

OP,
I saw a few people saying tell the midwife but I really dont want to do that it feels like a massive step and I dont want people coming in judging our whole family over one thing Ive posted about online if that makes sense

You seem to be trying to minimise this. You either think it’s a terrible way to treat a small child or not? This is the man you have chosen to be the father of your child.

@JadeJunction "I dont think the third child thing is it either because he wanted this baby with me so I dont know"

He wanted you pregnant so you wouldn't leave. He needed a live in nanny (preferably with benefits) and now you're pregnant you're stuck with him, and bringing up his children.

Edited to say that yes, he is abusing his youngest. Be prepared for this to be the life of your child too.

The bottom line is that this is abuse. You can dress it up any way you like but he is psychologically and emotionally abusive to that child. If you don't address it sooner than later it will escalate and you'll end up with a very damaged little boy.

At least you know how your child will be treated by him if you split from this cunt.
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and give the child your name.

Been thinking about this post all morning.
Op, I think you’re massively underplaying this. You need to sit down and talk to him. He needs to understand what he’s doing. I think like others it could be linked to the mum leaving and him struggling. As you said, you left more stuff out of your original post. This can’t go on. Imagine what that boy is going to grow up and be like. He’ll be a nightmare teenager, desperate for his dads attention.

He's scapegoated that little boy for abuse, you're bringing your child into a very toxic family dynamic if this isn't sorted now.
It's quite common for one child in a family to be singled out for abuse while the others aren't - it could be because your DP associates the baby with the mother leaving, it could be that the baby was harder work than the older children and needed more of him.
All the children will suffer from this dynamic though, even if they aren't singled out for abuse.

This isn't going to get better on it's own though - your DP needs to acknowledge what he's doing and seek out some therapy, or family therapy for all of you.

Telling OP why did she get pregnant by this man isn’t a very nice or helpful thing to say.
Has anyone considered her DP’s feelings after his partner suddenly left him without warning with all this responsibility?
no it’s not kind behaviour to the little boy but it sounds like DP is drowning in all of this too.

I wonder if the 5 year old was the baby that was supposed to save the marriage?

Your DH needs the riot act reading to him, as do the two older children.

Does he intend to treat your joint child like that?

That poor little boy needs cuddles and understanding, thankfully he has you.

OP You need a good long talk with DH and he might consider a parenting course.

Bloody hell, he sounds awful. I know you say you’re not the boy’s mum but you’re the closest thing he’s got and you’re about to give birth to his half sibling. Someone needs to step up and be a proper parent for this poor boy or he’s going to grow up with a whole load of issues (as if it wasn’t bad enough knowing his own mother didn’t want him!)

I would be very very concerned to be having a child with this man. He has shown you he is willing to be cruel to a child, doesnt want his boys to be 'soft', and encourages bullying by the other 2 children. He clearly does not like this child for some reason - maybe he did not want to be with their mother, did not want her to have another child, or the boy favours her. And while there are undoubtedly women who abandon their families because they put themselves first, the idea she just up and packed one day is a red flag, imo.

If your DP is open to discussion, go ahead. But it does not sound likely. If you leave I would worry about this child, but at the same time, you may have to leave for your own and your childs welfare.

This is straight up emotional abuse, and monstrous behaviour on his part.

This needs a really seriousl conversation away from the children, because not only is he damaging this little boy, he's actually encouraging his siblings to bully him, too.

This conversation needs having before your baby is born, because the new arrival is going to push the four year old even further down the pecking order.

Your posts are so distressing. I just want to pick up that little lad and give him a hug a loving home.

This is the saddest post in a long time. Do you want this little boy? Would you consider finding the mum and asking her if she’d be willing to give you parental responsibility? Then if you need to leave you’d have a legal right to still be in his life? I get that you’re pregnant and vulnerable but this little boy is being abused and it will have severe consequences when he’s older.

My heart is broken for that little boy. His mummy has abandoned him and his dad pushes him away, he’s desperate for affection. I want to come and scoop him up!