DPs son and how he treats him

[JadeJunction]

I feel sick even typing this because I dont know if Im just hormonal or what Im 7 months pregnant due in May and weve been together nearly 2 and a half years and most of the time were fine but lately I keep noticing stuff and its making me feel weird about things

DP has 3 boys 8, 7 and the youngest just turned 4 in Jan their mum walked out one day when he was 1 just left apparently no big dramatic story just packed a bag and went and she doesnt see them at all not birthdays not xmas nothing so its just been DP and the boys and now me

I love them I really do but Im not their mum and I try not to overstep but the way he is with the youngest is different and I cant unsee it

He never cuddles him like ever the older two get high fives and messing about and he’ll sit and watch football with them but the little one goes to sit next to him and he tells him to stop fidgeting or go play he hates him getting into our bed in the morning the older two wouldnt anyway but if the 4 year old comes in for a cuddle DP huffs and tells him to get back to his own bed and says hes too old for that now which just feels harsh to me because hes only just 4

Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him

I know accidents arent nice and its not fun dealing with it but the way he spoke to him felt like it was more than just frustration like he was angry at him as a person if that makes sense

He says hes harder on him because he doesnt want him growing up soft and that the older two had it worse when their mum left and they got on with it but he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him and it kills me and DP just says dont start that again

I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes but with the little one its always stop crying stop whining man up youre not a baby anymore

Im pregnant with his baby and I keep thinking what if its a boy what if he treats him like that too or what if he treats him better and the 4 year old notices I dont know if its pregnancy hormones making me dramatic

The older two copy him as well they call him cry baby and tell him to grow up and DP doesnt really shut it down properly just says pack it in half hearted

Maybe Im too soft maybe because Im carrying a baby Im extra sensitive to it I just dont know if this is normal dad stuff and Im interfering or if its actually not right

Theres loads more little things but this is already long I just need someone outside of this house to tell me if Im seeing something that isnt there or if my gut is right and I need to actually say something properly to him before May comes and theres another baby in the mix

The timeline here is also extremely rushed.
The children's mother left less than 3 years ago.
Within 6 months dad was in a new relationship.
Less than 2 years into the new relationship he's decided he wants another child.
There's obviously an awful lot going on for this man and he needs to work on himself urgently.

I really don’t know what to say about this. You can’t surely love this child abuser? He’s destroying a child’s confidence, his self-worth, his life!

Can you get PR? What’s the plan for the boys if something were to happen to your partner?

Where’s the maternal grandmother, aunt, uncles, etc?

Im a Social Worker
A lot if parents most definitely have favourites - golden children and scapegoating others 💯 is a common thing

Op my ex is an abusive piece of shit and even he wasn’t this cruel when our children were small. I dread to think how this will pan out for you and those children. I strongly suspect there’s a lot more to their mum upping and leaving, that doesn’t ring true at all. I do suspect you’re unwittingly living with an absolute monster. Normal people don’t treat anyone like that let alone their own small child. Being nice most of the time means absolutely nothing if you’re capable of this

It’s much more than “not kind” behaviour, it abusive behaviour and he’s scapegoating a 4 year old child. He’s the adult, he needs to parent his children without being an abusive arsehole.

OP safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility. You need to report this otherwise that poor child is going to be scapegoated all his life not just by his father but also by his older siblings. I wouldn’t be willing to have this man anywhere near my child, you’ve seen with your own eyes how he’s treating this child and it’ll probably get worse when the baby arrives. I couldn’t live with myself for not reporting his abuse. What a disgusting excuse for a father and partner he is.

@Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit this is exactly what happened with my ex. Scapegoat child now suicidal at 18. He worked and was nice sometimes too 😖

I had to stop reading this, as it's so disturbing and upsetting.
That poor little boy.

I'd be wondering what happened to the mum OP

Definitely emotional abuse. That poor child.

I don't know what to advise.
But surely you know that how he's treating that poor child is awful.
Safeguarding is needed to be advocated by you. Tell your midwife.
If you don't then not only will this child be broken but your baby will as well.

It's not your hormones, you are right, he is the least favourite or scapegoat.

You do need to stand up for him, but maybe not infront of DH and the other children. You need to highlight the good and explain the way he is treating him will affect his behaviour. Can you suggest parenting classes for both of you? Speaking to health visitor? It is going to cause ructions but it is an appropriate for the situation.

Parenting classes - just say you have seen differences and you want to get this right - "so you can be on the same page" about what can and can't happen? He probably won't want to go/ it will be hard for him to acknowledge what is going on but this might highlight a few things. You absolutely have to do something before baby born and dynamic changes again.

It is very possible to have a parent emotionally abuse one child only.

This!! He’s vile, how can you sit there and say he isn’t a monster, the way he treats that poor innocent little boy is disgusting. And don’t play it down by saying people are judging him based on ‘one thing’, there’s plenty of red flags in your post and that’s just scratching the surface, by your own admission.

I saw a few people saying tell the midwife but I really dont want to do that it feels like a massive step and I dont want people coming in judging our whole family over one thing Ive posted about online if that makes sense

Better it coming from you now OP, than when the wee one starts school and a teacher starts noticing red flags. Hopefully his nursery are already on it.

This. OP, does this not affect how you feel about him? He’s treating this poor little boy despicably.

He moved on to you bloody quickly didn't he! Clearly he wanted a mum for these boys. It seems he dislikes the 'baby' yet the baby is the one that needs the most care.
You need to have a stiff fucking word with this cunt of a man.

No its really, really bad. Its not your hormones. Look: we can all offer various psychological explanations for this but none of it matters. He is going to ruin all three children with this favoritism and he will ruin your child too—I bet he is cunning enough to favour your shared child to keep you on board. So the whole household will take turns abusing third child.

I would make parenting classes or SS intervention a condition of staying with him. Be brutally frank and don’t let it degenerate into sn argument about “backing him up.” There is no mother there to protect these children so you have to do it. Don’t be shy. Ir leave and take four year old with you.

"Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him"

Can I just point out that the above is all ONE sentence, without even a single comma. Sorry OP, but it's unreadable.

Nah, plenty of people read it and commented on it.

Out of where your focus should be on this thread, that's not it.

This is abuse. He is abusing a four year old child. Please get help for this poor little boy.

Can I point out that I read it perfectly easily? Can I also point out that your observation on a post regarding the abuse of a 4 year old is pathetically irrelevant?

Oh, whatever. The fact is, the post is very hard to read. I would have liked to be able to read it easily as it's obviously a serious and important post, but I couldn't, and I don't believe you could either. That's not to say anything about it's content or the subject it's addressing.

The other 70+ posters managed to read it and realise the severity of the issue being written about. Your post says far more about you than it does about OP.

Get some perspective.

Well I wasn't trying to "say anything" about OP, nor was it a criticism or a comment on the content of the post. Just an honest observation. But I take your point.

You are not soft. He has had it worse than his brothers. He’s not had consistency of caregiving in the most formative years 0-3. The poor kid has trauma and is not experiencing emotional neglect from his parents and mild bullying from brothers. Absolutely heartbreaking. He needs professional intervention. You need to report the neglect.

So presumably your dick of a partner thinks this child is the reason the mother walked away and he’s taking it out on him. He’s a bellend. You should up and leave and take the little boy with you.