DPs son and how he treats him

[JadeJunction]

I feel sick even typing this because I dont know if Im just hormonal or what Im 7 months pregnant due in May and weve been together nearly 2 and a half years and most of the time were fine but lately I keep noticing stuff and its making me feel weird about things

DP has 3 boys 8, 7 and the youngest just turned 4 in Jan their mum walked out one day when he was 1 just left apparently no big dramatic story just packed a bag and went and she doesnt see them at all not birthdays not xmas nothing so its just been DP and the boys and now me

I love them I really do but Im not their mum and I try not to overstep but the way he is with the youngest is different and I cant unsee it

He never cuddles him like ever the older two get high fives and messing about and he’ll sit and watch football with them but the little one goes to sit next to him and he tells him to stop fidgeting or go play he hates him getting into our bed in the morning the older two wouldnt anyway but if the 4 year old comes in for a cuddle DP huffs and tells him to get back to his own bed and says hes too old for that now which just feels harsh to me because hes only just 4

Today at the park was the worst one for me and maybe Im overreacting but it upset me the little one had an accident he pooed himself DP did ask him multiple times if he needed the toilet as he was showing signs he needed to go but then when it happened he just cut the trip short and when we got home told him to sort himself out no telly no pudding and think about what he did the poor boy just stood there crying saying sorry sorry I ended up sorting him and he said this is why he never learns because I baby him

I know accidents arent nice and its not fun dealing with it but the way he spoke to him felt like it was more than just frustration like he was angry at him as a person if that makes sense

He says hes harder on him because he doesnt want him growing up soft and that the older two had it worse when their mum left and they got on with it but he was a baby he doesnt even remember her properly sometimes he asks why she doesnt want him and it kills me and DP just says dont start that again

I dont think DP is a monster before anyone jumps on that hes not violent he works when he can he pays the bills we get by he takes them out he does baths and bedtime stories sometimes but with the little one its always stop crying stop whining man up youre not a baby anymore

Im pregnant with his baby and I keep thinking what if its a boy what if he treats him like that too or what if he treats him better and the 4 year old notices I dont know if its pregnancy hormones making me dramatic

The older two copy him as well they call him cry baby and tell him to grow up and DP doesnt really shut it down properly just says pack it in half hearted

Maybe Im too soft maybe because Im carrying a baby Im extra sensitive to it I just dont know if this is normal dad stuff and Im interfering or if its actually not right

Theres loads more little things but this is already long I just need someone outside of this house to tell me if Im seeing something that isnt there or if my gut is right and I need to actually say something properly to him before May comes and theres another baby in the mix

@surrealpotato just delete your comment. Utterly ridiculous, derailing, and unsupportive. Also not true that it is hard to understand. If you can’t manage it try reading things out loud if you get confused. That’s your problem to solve. I and the others here had no problem.

It must only be hard to read if you’re not particularly adept at reading because everyone else managed.

Unless you’re particularly hard of thinking, that’s not difficult to read at all… I think this is a you problem, everyone else has managed perfectly fine.

Have you ever seen the mum. Are you sure she’s alive and well?

Please God, don't let this thread be true 🙏

I'm sure it makes you feel like some kind of hero to jump to OP's 'defence' as though I've attacked her very soul by (not unkindly) pointing out that she wrote a three page paragraph with no punctuation which made her post a bit tricky to read. Just like it probably makes you feel good to insult my supposed lack of reading ability. It doesn't change the fact that what I said is true. Now do piss off.

You have come on to a thread about an abused little boy and derailed it by talking about grammar issues. We have all read the OP, we have all been able to understand it. Please just stop commenting on this thread, you are not adding anything at all.

My mum was emotionally neglectful and I have grown up with a myriad of mental health and emotional issues. Go and cuddle that little boy and tell him you love him every day. His dad is a prick and he needs you to love on him and tell him he’s special and amazing.

Your update is really disappointing. You are minimizing abuse so you don't "upset" your horrible partner. What was the point of posting if you are not willing to do anything about it. Every response you have got is that this is awful and it needs to stop before the little boy is damaged even further.

I'm going to report this post to mumsnet.com so that it can be sent to the police and social services.

Are you scared of him OP? How do you think he'd take it if you were to have a serious discussion about this?

THIS is correct

you are witnessing child abuse
you are struggling to admit that to yourself
but you know it is
if you don’t act on this -
report it -
yes I know that will be like setting a bomb off
but if you don’t -
you are then colluding with it -
and in my book and in the eyes of the law - you are failing to protect that child from abuse and you are complicit and the ability to parent any child, including your biological one will be rightly questioned

it will be worse if someone reports it and you haven’t …..

If his children live full time with you, you are entitled to have an equal input into their upbringing. That means if you see any behaviour from siblings or dp that is unacceptable, you have every right to question it. A discussion needs to be had, with no backing down from you on what needs to be changed.

OP you mention multiple times that you aren’t sure if this is just your hormones or imply you are worried you are overreacting, you KNOW that you aren’t and the fact you felt sick writing and sharing this says it all.

You also seem worried about discussing this with your DP for fear of overstepping and didn’t step in until the last minute until you couldn’t hold back anymore when the little boy had an accident. You appear to be worried about getting too involved because you know that your DP will get angry if you undermine him but that’s standing back and watching a child get abused out of fear of confronting it. It seems to me like you do want to take care of him but you say you aren’t his mother and I think your DP is enforcing that belief.

If you plan to stay with your DP and be in the child’s life then I think he would benefit greatly from you showing him some love and affection and letting your DP know that you won’t be standing aside if he tells you that you are making him soft or indulging him.
Stop making excuses and being passive and if you aren’t prepared to make the child feel like he has a loving secure person then you need to walk away and inform authorities who can place him in the care of someone who will.

I think it sounds like your DP is severely depressed and suffering a lot inside from his ex leaving and having to care for his children unexpectedly full time, 3 is a lot and I can imagine it was very difficult especially as the youngest will have found it traumatic when he was still so attached to his mother.

Your DP also likely struggled himself with unanswered questions about his wife leaving and feelings of rejection, it’s a lot to cope with and it sounds like he’s never addressed any of this, especially when you say he doesn’t talk about it and he has just buried the trauma and tried to carry on which isn’t healthy. I do have sympathy for him but his behaviour can’t continue.

The two older children were probably a lot easier to care for and I bet it was a huge struggle with the youngest and he likely felt like he was failing at times when he just wanted his mother. I imagine it constantly made him question if he could cope and so it likely built up resentment. I think other posters were spot on when they said that your DP could be blaming his youngest for his wife leaving.
Your DP moved on with you very fast and won’t have given himself chance to deal with his own issues, it’s like he’s tried to recreate a family as fast as possible but his DS is reminding him constantly that you can’t just erase the past.

You can keep pretending nothing is wrong all you want but your feelings of unease won’t just disappear and unless you deal with this properly it’s going to continue to get worse and when your baby comes along you might find the youngest feels jealous and even more pushed out whilst your DP feels more frustrated with him for yet again reminding him of the past.

You can accept his excuses about his upbringing or not making his son soft but it’s cruel and abusive behaviour and if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to love or respect someone who can bully a child for whatever reason and unless he gets help he won’t change.

I would hope that at some point you find the right approach to get your DP to see he needs help. You don’t have to be accusatory or start listing his failings, I would approach it with sympathy and say you notice he struggles to bond with his youngest. Try and be supportive and tell him that you just think he might need some therapy and that you want him to put in the work so you can be a proper family, if you let him see that’s a positive outcome then he might agree and not be instantly defensive.

Can you give some more examples of his behaviour to give a better view if this is just plain cruelty or a man checking out of parenting his child who is a painful reminder of what he’s lost?

It reminds me of someone I knew who struggled with his daughter after his wife died because she reminded him so strongly of his wife and everything he’d lost. Once he got help he saw it as a positive thing and they have a strong bond now but if he had just suppressed his feelings it could have been very different.

You have two months to face up to this before your baby comes or this poor child will feel even more pushed out when he’s already showing signs of attachment disorder, if your DP starts to show more favouritism to another child then he might never get over the rejection.
Right now you are the only person with the potential to change things and that’s a huge responsibility but it will make your situation a lot harder if you don’t.

You sound like someone who wants to do the right thing and I hope you manage to get through to your DP and get him to do the work so you can be a happy family in the future.

No! If there is anything I can’t stand it’s sanctimonious women with a misplaced superiority complex, whose only contribution to a post where another woman is asking for advice is to point out her lack of grammar. No one else required your contribution. If anyone considered themselves a hero, it was you, providing evidence for the Grammar Police. Now ‘Nee-Naw’ your way off to another post which you can try to manage, ineffectually. 👮 🚨

Don't be silly.
This kind of hysteria isn't going to help anyone, least of all the child.

As a child. My mum abused me mentally, physically, emotionally, you name it. From yh ages of about 6 the earliest I remember until I left at 14. And do you know why? Because I looked like my dad. I reminded her of him (he left her, married someone else, whatever). And you know, it ruined my life. I'm in my early thirties now and I have suffered immensely due to the things she did and the way she treated me. And I'll probably suffer forever.. do not let this man continue this treatment of this little boy because it will only get worse as he gets older. The poor kid doesn't know what's going on and it's just horrible. I suspect that the reason he's like this is he somehow blames the little one for mum leaving... Something needs to be done. I'm not being dramatic but from my own experience, he will ruin that child's life. Please do something. Report to social services if you have to..and I'm sorry to say, if you sit idly by and do nothing, that makes you just as culpable. Sounds like you are scared of him to let this slide.

So sorry you went through this

sending love and hugs.

i agree OP needs to do something, if she doesn’t it makes her just as bad. Setting up this boys life, future and mental health - including her own baby , to fail.

This is such a sad situation for the little one. He is following his dad around trying to seek approval and attention, and his dad rejects him time and time again. As for the accident, how can the dad punish a child for having an accident?? So, so wrong and so damaging to the little one.

my DS had nocturnal enuresis due to a kidney cyst when he was young, he used to wet the bed most nights. His dad and I were divorced and when he stayed at his dad’s house he was shouted at for wetting himself and made to change the bed and his wet pyjamas himself. I was absolutely disgusted when I found out and DS hated staying over there. DS has never forgotten how he was treated and his relationship with his dad has remained damaged even though DS is an adult now.

That child is going to grow up with serious self esteem issues. I feel so bad for him. He shouldn't be denied cuddles and told off for things like having an accident. He shouldn't be shut down and shamed when he asks about his mum. Please please stick up for him and don't leave him at the mercy of his father who honestly sounds really cruel. He needs you, you're the only other adult who can make a difference to his life.

Don't make excuses for the abuse.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. I honestly wish I hadn't because it's going to play on my mind for a while. That poor little boy.

This child is going to have issues growing up and it will affect his development and relationships with others. This is emotional abuse.

It's obvious he holds some resentful towards him for his ex leaving.

Do the kids have any contact with their maternal family at all?

How is the boy doing?

how are you doing and your pregnancy?

This was heartbreaking to read. Poor baby boy. He is very much still a baby and one who has been rejected by his mum.
OP keep him close to you and give him the love, care & attention he needs and involve him with the baby.
You DP is a bully.

No it doesn't make sense. That 'one thing' is systematic bullying of a 4yr old by his father and his brothers. It's a huge fucking deal.