Can I ask my new partner

[TinkaM]

I am a mum with 2 kids in a new relationship. All 4 of us live together as a family. I work 4 days a week and do all the appointments, activities and schiol pick-ups and drop-off but 1. My new partner helps with getting the kids to listen to me, shares cooking and cleaning equally, has recently started to help financially a bit.
When it comes to going out, I need to ask my partner to look after my kids at least 48 hours in advance, ideally more, but my partner sometimes lets me know at 18.00 that he is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner. It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same and because
If we are a familly, I think we should both be allowed to do that.
To be clear, I don't mind my partner going out.
I just ask for a bit more of a heads up, amd for being allowed to be a bit spontaneous too.
My partner knows how I feel and when we discuss it, my partner tell me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.
Am I asking to much (from a step-parent) for wanting a bit more of a heads up, and to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

Intersted in opinions and how others navigage simular issues.

YABU
Your kids, your responsibility. Totally fair that he will babysit for you with notice. No, you don't get the same access to spontaneous nights out.

@murasaki Not their responsibility, even for payment. It is the responsibility of a parent or carer to look after their own children. My eldest two are 18 and 15 and I wouldn't ask them to look after their 5 yo sister unless it was an emergency; I certainly wouldn't be going out routinely and expecting someone else to look after my little one (except of course her dad).

Eh? Teenagers would look after their younger siblings all the time. Call it what you want.

True. I'd ask and offer payment but fully accept a no.

Then you will be in a very very small minority. If your 5yo is hard work, then you could always give them money to do it, I imagine they’d be happy to, win win.

@arethereanyleftatall But is that really fair on them? To be routinely/regularly expected to babysit a younger sibling? I'd not ask it of my boys. Besides, they've got their own lives, revision, exams etc. I chose to have a third child, not them.

@arethereanyleftatall No I don't want to pay them to look after her - I am her parent and so is her father. If you must, pay a babysitter but do not take advantage of your older kids!!

I'd be more ' I'm going to need a babysitter on Tuesday , it'll be £x, do you want to do it or shall i get someone else'. Then they have a choice, not an expectation.

The op said somewhere she wants to go out once every few months somewhere I think.

I guess it depends on how many needs your 5yo has. If she’s already in bed for example, then it’s surely no problem?

@arethereanyleftatall It still shouldn't be an expectation.
If the children spend overnights with bio dad then surely this is the best time to go out?

I think it would be a very unusual household whereby an 18 year old and a 15 year old are in at home, and an external babysitter is paid to come and sit on the sofa whilst a 5 year old is asleep.

@arethereanyleftatall Not really. The vast majority of households don't have siblings with gaps this large in the first place.
But I absolutely would not expect my children to provide regular babysitting services, no. That's what parents are for ultimately.

I personally think your new partner is going great. Id imagine it would take a bit of an adjustment for him to move in with a partner and their 2 kids. It sounds to me like things are going well. If he needs more notice before hand, he could be taking it seriously too. Since it's still only early days I would think carefully before rocking the boat. Especially since he's cooking, cleaning, contributing financially and minding the kids. Sounds like you have a good guy there!

Appalling.

Ignoring the absolute dumpster-fire of the rest of the post, in answer to your questions; YES you're absolutely being unreasonable in your expectations.

Your partner can be more spontaneous because he doesn’t have kids though. You don’t have that luxury because they’re your kids and ultimately your responsibility.

Why does it even matter if he’s not in for dinner? Surely if there’s leftovers they will keep for the next day?

While it would be nice to get advanced notice about missing a meal, that isn’t the equivalent of asking him to look after your kids.

Starting another thread isn't going to give you the answer you want..... regardless of the sex of the partner.

Is your partner a transwoman?

You can definitely ask your partner to be more clear whether he wants dinner that night. You can say you don’t love last minute changes of plan and ask he try not to do that too often. You can’t really expect equal levels of freedom, they’re your kids not his.

Personally I think marriage makes a big difference here and I think you’re wrong to talk about living together as a family when you clearly are not on the same page about what exactly that means and haven’t made any plans to act as a family long term. These are discussions that should be had first, then make the commitment, then you can be a family in whatever form makes sense for you. Asking a husband who has intentionally made a long term commitment to you and by extension your family to have a share in all the responsibilities of the household is very different from asking a boyfriend.

I know some take the position that there should never be a new relationship, certainly not introduced to the kids. But if you’re going to, at least discuss properly and commit, don’t just move in a boyfriend because it’s convenient for the adults.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne What makes you suspect this?

The OP's other thread.

HERE

It's a leap. However we'd all assumed the partner is a man, not been corrected, and the OP has posted on the LGBT board saying they're a woman, not that it makes any difference at all to my responses.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Oh.

They have lived together 2 years. I’m sure the kids know him more than ‘barely’

I would say the same yes and more fool you.
I was married for over a decade. The man I divorced was unrecognisable from the one that I lived with, people can change or hide their true characters very very well for very very long times.
DBS just documents that they haven’t been caught yet. It’s not infallible