Can I ask my new partner

[TinkaM]

I am a mum with 2 kids in a new relationship. All 4 of us live together as a family. I work 4 days a week and do all the appointments, activities and schiol pick-ups and drop-off but 1. My new partner helps with getting the kids to listen to me, shares cooking and cleaning equally, has recently started to help financially a bit.
When it comes to going out, I need to ask my partner to look after my kids at least 48 hours in advance, ideally more, but my partner sometimes lets me know at 18.00 that he is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner. It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same and because
If we are a familly, I think we should both be allowed to do that.
To be clear, I don't mind my partner going out.
I just ask for a bit more of a heads up, amd for being allowed to be a bit spontaneous too.
My partner knows how I feel and when we discuss it, my partner tell me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.
Am I asking to much (from a step-parent) for wanting a bit more of a heads up, and to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

Intersted in opinions and how others navigage simular issues.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I think she meant towards her children. Which he shouldn't be doing.

Hard agree if this is true.

You should be going out when your children are with their father.
Of course this partner should be telling you if he is not around for dinner, basic curtesy.
Clearly he doesn't respect you enough to do that.
THAT is the issue.
Perhaps turn it around and not include him for dinner going forward until he gives you notice he will be in.
He sounds like a lodger, not a step parent.

Fucking hell. You need your head looked at. You are not a family in a new relationship 🤣 In fact why the hell would you have him move in or meet your kids, never mind look after them. Yes, he's right, you are their mother so fucking well act like one!

my partner sometimes lets me know at 18.00 that he is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner. It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same

You’re a parent. He isn’t. That’s why you can’t do the same. These are your kids; of course you’re the one primarily responsible for them.

My partner knows how I feel and when we discuss it, my partner tell me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.

He’s right. They’re your children and they’re your responsibility, so that will curtail your freedom. He didn’t choose to have children - you did.

The fact that you have used the word "new partner" a number of times is massively concerning considering you have said they live with you and basically discipline your kids. Massive red flag from this situation. If your at a point they are still being called a " new partner" your kids probably shouldnt have even met them by this point never mind being expected to take them on and be a family. That comes with time. You sound absolutely unreasonable and a little nuts if I'm honest. Not the answer you will want I'm sure but I'm concerned for the kids

He's not their step parent.
Hes their mums boyfriend.

You're their mum which stands to reason that you do the mum duties.

What do you mean by 'recently started to help financially a bit'?

Do they see their dad ? You could go out then

he’s kinda right. You are their mum and can’t just decide to go out - giving him 48hrs notice sounds ok as surely people you see need some notice as well to go out

but does sound like they are your kid and he’s isn’t really a step dad being there for them

You've already introduced to your children and moved in a 'new partner'?
You people piss me off.

Just want to know if you own the house op. So you basically moved him into your home, probably still also legally owned by kids’ dad?

She’s been with him a few years and lived together for 2

The thing is, you're not a family. You and your children are family, this man is just your partner. I dont agree with moving someone in with you and your kids when you barely know them but each to their own. I don't think anyone would start dating somebody and a short while later be up for jumping in to raise someone else's kids with you, let alone allowing you to leave while he cares for them alone. He should let you know in advance about dinner as thats just courtesy, but otherwise he has no responsibility over your children at all. If he was their dad, or their stepdad even, it wouldnt be fair for him to have all the free time and you to have none. But he isnt.

What i will say is that depending on how new this relationship is, I would be suspicious of his willingness to move in with you so quickly and act like a family, yet then decide what he does and doesn't want to contribute. While he has no obligation to raise your kids, and certainly not alone, he seems to have moved in very quickly and im not sure what other kind of set up he would of been expecting with kids living there. You said hes only recently started 'helping financially a bit'. Free housing maybe? It just all sounds really strange to me and I would be on your guard if I were you. Certainly don't leave your kids alone with him.

gently op, to me this just screams you moved into new relationship too quickly.

op, they are YOUR children. YOUR responsibility. It is also YOUR responsibility they are safe. You saying he helps you discipline them is a 🚩. He shouldn’t be doing that and you should not accept him doing that.

the obvious moment for you to go out is when the kids stay with their dad. But I get the sense from your post that they don’t see their dad (otherwise you would be able to go out more often than once every 3-4 months). there will be a reason for that. Without prying too much, I’d ask you to reflect if bad experiences in your previous relationship are affecting your ability to make good relationship choices right now. I honestly think you moved too quickly with this guy. You shouldn’t have moved him in. You especially shouldn’t have moved someone in who didn’t pay his share financially. The MN term for that is you got yourself a cocklodger. That’s just a red flag. Also, from a safeguarding pov you should not be leaving your kids unsupervised with him.

Is there a reason the 14 year old can’t watch the 6 year old for a few hours? I’m just wondering has either of them maybe ASD or something that it’s not practical? If the 14 year old is at the typical maturity age for a 14 year old I’m struggling to understand why they can’t be left babysitting the 6 year old for a few hours, unless, as I’ve mentioned, one kid could have neurological issues. Although sometimes from reading posts on here about leaving kids alone, parents seriously bubble wrap their kids these days and a lot of 14 year olds don’t even have the brain capacity to be left alone themselves never mind with a younger sibling. One post I read, a lady stated she wouldn’t go away over night and leave her 18, 16 & 12 year olds home alone because they wouldn’t know what to do in an emergency 🫣😂 The things people openly admit to on here and think they’re normal. There’s nothing normal about not teaching your kids responsibility and independence, my kids could all make themselves toast or cereal at 2 years old while supervised until they showed they were fully capable, yet there’s 16 year olds who can barely wipe their own asses never mind be left alone with a sibling, so many parents are raising incompetent idiots yet believe they’re better parents than anyone else!!

When I first read your initial OP I thought you were being wildly unreasonable. A new relationship, moved in and acting as a family!!

BUT you’re a few years in now and in an established relationship. If there was something I was invited to last minute, once every 4 months, and I was excited to go, I know there’s now way my DH would say ‘er, no thanks. 48 hours notice only! Them’s the rules’!!
He would be happy to give me a small break and a night off, regardless of whether he’s their biological dad or not.

I don’t think it comes down to fairness at all, they are your children and it’s ’fair’ that they are your responsibility. But I do think he’s keeping you at arms length and not being particularly loving.

They are your kids not his. It already sounds like he is doing all he needs to do. It sounds like their biological father is the one that isn't.

In a couple of years you can pay your eldest child to babysit the younger one for you. You don't need to rely on your partner then.

They aren't his children. He really isn't obliged to do any child care. I understand that it's nice to have that option but there's countless threads about men who won't even look after their own children, never mind someone else's.

And yes, your use of 'new' was misleading. Although I suspect the turnaround in you clarifying that new really meant several years (not new at all then) might just be damage control....

The fact you have highlighted his advanced DBS is telling. You're using that to add weight to his legitimacy as being suitable to be alone with your children. That sort of strengthens he argument in the other direction.

@AdaDex No - it gave me more reassurance that he wasn't a danger to my children.
Are you genuinely telling me my husband should never be left alone with my teenage (16 and 18) yo sons?!!!
Also, revealingly, you have not answered the question about my ex-husband's wife.

So don't make a post calling him a new partner. Bizarre.

This, he should be paying half the rent, utilities etc.

Your 14-year-old is likely old enough, or nearly old enough, to babysit, if they’re reasonably responsible? Hopefully in the next couple of years that will start allowing you some more freedom?

But yes, I agree with most commenters that you are primarily responsible for your kids unless your partner chooses and agrees to a bigger parental role. Unfortunately he doesn’t have to, and it seems like he doesn’t want to. Some partners would be more helpful with that sort of thing, so it might be something worth talking about, but it sounds like he’s pretty clear that he doesn’t want to.

Yeah, I agree with this. He doesn’t have to do it, but occasionally helping out, without you having to book something in, would be kind and loving.

@Swimmingteacher21 But that would mean leaving a man, not the bio dad, alone with children?!!! In the world of MN this is unacceptable! Ever!