Can I ask my new partner

[TinkaM]

I am a mum with 2 kids in a new relationship. All 4 of us live together as a family. I work 4 days a week and do all the appointments, activities and schiol pick-ups and drop-off but 1. My new partner helps with getting the kids to listen to me, shares cooking and cleaning equally, has recently started to help financially a bit.
When it comes to going out, I need to ask my partner to look after my kids at least 48 hours in advance, ideally more, but my partner sometimes lets me know at 18.00 that he is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner. It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same and because
If we are a familly, I think we should both be allowed to do that.
To be clear, I don't mind my partner going out.
I just ask for a bit more of a heads up, amd for being allowed to be a bit spontaneous too.
My partner knows how I feel and when we discuss it, my partner tell me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.
Am I asking to much (from a step-parent) for wanting a bit more of a heads up, and to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

Intersted in opinions and how others navigage simular issues.

He is not their stepfather. He is your boyfriend at best. If its a new relationship, he shouldn't be living in the house with you, let alone being left alone with your kids. And what does 'help with getting the kids to listen to me' mean? He should not be involved with disciplining or instructing your children in any way.

What am I reading?

How long have you been in this relationship?

Why did he move into your home?

Different take here where I’m not going to spit of the partner, the non-parent in this scenario.

They’re YOUR kids, not his. He already does a lot for YOUR kids, why the fuck should he be tied to the responsibility? He’s right to go out when he wants. You’re their mother, you find childcare first.

And their other parent would be a good start.

Do you mean new marriage? Because ‘new relationship’ and ‘step-parent/living together as a family’ is quite confusing to comprehend!

Need clarification on how long ‘new’ is?

New? Op, what do you mean by new? Do you mean ‘newly moved in but we’ve been together for years’ ? Because as I’m sure you’ve worked out from the posts above mine, no one should ever be moving a new man in to their house where their kids live, and no, of course that new man has absolutely zero responsibility to your children. They’re yours, you look after them. Or their dad.

For people asking clarifications:
My use of 'new' partner was misleading.
My previous relationshionship lasted 20 years, my current partner and I have been together a few years and have lived together for 2 years. It's not that new.
The kids are 6 & 14. They have a really good relationship with their step parent, who is reliable with kids and shares the rent and bills.
I do all mum's duties (school runs, extra curricular activities, appointments, parent-teachers meetings....) and outside of a weekly dance class, I only go out once in a while (1 evening every 3 - 4 months).
My question was really aroud expectation for step-parents giving at least a few hours heads up when they go out and won't eat dinner with everyone (like they do every night), and to be allowed a bit more spontaneity if I want to go out too.

@TinkaM But he contributes financially for them(!) Why?!!!!! My husband is stepfather to my other two older kids, we've been together 8 years, and still the financial responsibility does not belong with him!! That's on you and your child's bio father.
What do you do for work, OP? How many hours do you do?
Does your partner have any bio kids?
Also, I'm a bit confused when you say you've been together a few years but also living together a few years?

What exactly does 'new' mean??? How long ago did your partner move in with you? If this relationship is less than a year, then your partner shouldn't have met your children, and most definitely shouldn't have moved in with you.

Your partner isn't responsible for looking after your children. Your children barely know this man, he's not their step-Dad, he's your boyfriend. Minding the children, whilst you nip to the shop is one thing, but looking after the children, so you can have a night out is another. It sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't want the responsibility of your children either, and at the early stage in your relationship, I don't blame him.

As for him going out and not giving you notice... Or not letting you know if he'll be home for dinner. If he respects you, then yes, he should tell you if he's planning on going out and most definitely if he's not going to be home, he needs to tell you. If you want to go out yourself or as a couple, you need to arrange a reliable babysitter.

you should do mum duties, you’re their mum.

No, he’s already doing way more than he has to. He doesn’t need to ask your permission to go out.

You arrange your nights out when they're with their dad. Or you don't go. Them's the breaks.

He should give you notice re dinner though but not facilitate your time out leaving him with the kids.

Sorry but you’re not a family and you absolutely cannot expect to have the same freedoms as him. Wild.

Your poor children

They are not his children-he isn’t even their step dad-and he doesn’t owe you any kind of social life.

So, why has he only just started paying towards living costs? Where was he living before?

Whatever you want to call them, he still wouldn’t be having unsupervised access to my six-year-old 🙄

Your expectations seem way off to me. To be honest I wouldn’t have moved this man into my child’s home and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to parent my children.

@Mosman2020 Totally agree in this case. But at.what point do you think it is OK that a step-parent is left unsupervised at all with a stepchild?

After they’ve turned 18
Seriously, I just wouldn’t do it. Ever

@Mosman2020 Disagree. So my husband, whom I have been with for almost a decade, who is a social worker and with enhanced DBS, should not ever be left alone with my teenage sons?
Would you say the same of my ex-husband's wife?

given your update that your eldest child is 14, is there a reason they can’t babysit? 14 is plenty old enough, many teenagers do it as a job, let alone looking after their siblings for an evening.,

@arethereanyleftatall An older sibling isn't a babysitter.

They can be if you pay them...

Sounds like you want whatever we call a male equivalent of a nanny with a fanny. You are their parent- he isn't even a step parent.