Negotiating expectation of step-parent in LGBTQ relationship

[TinkaM]

Background :
I am a mum with 2 kids (6 & 14), living with a step-parent.
"Step-mum" and I have been together a few years and have lived together for 2 years.
My kids have a really good relationship with my partner, who is reliable with them, comes from a big familly where she looked after her baby sisters and babysitted her nephews (= with experience of being around kids).
All 4 of us live together.
We share the rent and bills, she helps with educating the kids (and is really good at it), shares cooking and cleaning equally, and has constantly offered to help me financially with paying some stuffs for my kids, which I only agreed to recently.
I work 4 days a week and do all the appointments, activities and schiol pick-ups and drop-off but 1.

When it comes to going out, I need to ask her to look after my kids at least 48 hours in advance, ideally more.
She kind of goes out when she wanys, and sometimes lets me know at 18.00 she is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner.
It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same.
I don't mind my partner going out. I just ask for a bit more of a heads up when she goes out and to be mindful how it impacts me, and for being allowed to be a bit spontaneous for going out too, which she doesn't want.

We have discuss this and she tells me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.

Outside of a weekly dance class, I only go out once in a while (1 evening every 4-5 months).
The other biological parent doesn't take the children over night, and I don't have family in the UK.

My question:
Am I unrealistic for wanting a bit more of a heads up when she goes out, and to ask to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

I'm going to give you the same response as to your other thread. YABU.
Your kids are your responsibility. Fair that your partner will babysit with notice. You're not entitled to the same spontaneity. They're your kids. It's not equal.

Why have you posted this again? It doesn’t make a difference what sex your partner is. First response is correct.

Yabu.

You're not going to get any different responses here.

So your partner is a transwoman?
You call him "he" and "him" on your other thread.

Is either scenario real or you just have some time to waste today?

My question:
Am I unrealistic for wanting a bit more of a heads up when she goes out, and to ask to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

YABU to post this again and trying to change the sex of your partner in your posts doesn't alter the advice.

This man has no relationship with your DC and he can go out whenever he wants. As can you.

This. She didn’t choose to have children, you did! You sound childish and jealous. She does more than l would do to be fair in her shoes. Dating / living with someone with children when you don’t, looks very tiresome to me

He isn't your children's father.

YABU still. Stop calling your partner (boyfriend/girlfriend) of a couple of years your children's step parent. Just because you've moved them into your children's home doesn't make them a step parent.

She has no parental obligations and is free to be spontaneous. At most, it’s not polite to leave you in limbo regarding dinner plans.

you are a parent. Spontaneity just isn’t part of the parenting lifestyle. You aren’t unique. We all have to accept not just having to plan, but when we do plan, the likelihood that unexpected children’s needs will arise that scuttle our plans.

They are not, and never will be, your partner’s children unless they express interest in being their step parent and everyone agrees. You can’t just bestow that title unwanted on them. They are already helping out loads by educating them, doing one of the drop off/pick ups, babysitting with notice and contributing financially towards them. You have two distinct problems that you are incorrectly conflating.

1. you want to go out spontaneously. Tough. Seriously. You are a parent (you, not your partner) and you don’t get spontaneity for another 10 years or so until your youngest is grown. This is something you need to accept now or you’re going to have a miserable life and take it out on others (children/partner).

2. you want a heads up from your partner. This is a bit hypocritical as you value spontaneity but want to deny it from your partner due to envy. You’d love it yourself but because you can’t have it in your entirely different circumstances, you want to deny them of it too. Regardless of that, it’s something that is bothering you so you need to have a chat with them about giving you clarity about meals. Don’t bring your lack of being able to go out on a whim into this, it is irrelevant, your circumstances aren’t the same and it just muddies the water of your conversation. Whether you had kids or not, you want a bit more clarity so just ask for that and leave your kids out of it.

Your girlfriend/partner is not your children’s parent. HTH.

Why are you posting this AGAIN.

You’ve been told YABU countless times yet you’re still trying to convince yourself you’re not?

This person is already doing more for your children financially and hands on than a step parents should.

Stop beating a dead horse and posting the same stuff.

I think you asked this before? Same response I’m afraid: your kids are your responsibility, not your partners (and no, it doesn’t matter what sex they are). If they help out, that’s great, but the two of you are not equal in terms of looking after the kids. They are yours to take care of.

2nd thread you’ve started!

Theyre your kids - not hers. It’s not unfair that she has more freedom. You had kids, she didn’t

I wouldn’t live with someone that wasn’t acting as a full partner including parenting. Same expectations and responsibilities.
I was brought up with a step dad and I would accept nothing less that how he did it so I get your point OP.

Different things work for different step-families. Your partner has said what they are comfortable with. It looks like they are happy to look after your kids quite a lot with notice. They don't want equal parental responsibility, which is their choice. It would be nice if they could let you know if they were back for dinner but otherwise all seems reasonable.

You can’t be L, G, B, T AND Q, & you called your partner ‘he’ in the other thread. Is your partner trans or nonbinary?

Same answer as for the similar thread with a male partner involved. Your children are your responsibility and therefore your partner is in a position to be spontaneous about going out and you aren’t. It would be polite to let you know if they’re aware in advance that they will be going out but they don’t have the same responsibilities that you do.