Can I ask my new partner

[TinkaM]

I am a mum with 2 kids in a new relationship. All 4 of us live together as a family. I work 4 days a week and do all the appointments, activities and schiol pick-ups and drop-off but 1. My new partner helps with getting the kids to listen to me, shares cooking and cleaning equally, has recently started to help financially a bit.
When it comes to going out, I need to ask my partner to look after my kids at least 48 hours in advance, ideally more, but my partner sometimes lets me know at 18.00 that he is going out with colleagues, without always specifying about dinner. It usually leaves me feeling that's unfair, because I can't do the same and because
If we are a familly, I think we should both be allowed to do that.
To be clear, I don't mind my partner going out.
I just ask for a bit more of a heads up, amd for being allowed to be a bit spontaneous too.
My partner knows how I feel and when we discuss it, my partner tell me: I am sorry, I know this is unfair, that's how it is, you are their mum.
Am I asking to much (from a step-parent) for wanting a bit more of a heads up, and to be allowed a bit more spontaneity to go out too?

Intersted in opinions and how others navigage simular issues.

I think the partner is a woman, but the OP didn't want to say, and did say there expecting she'd get different responses, but they're all pretty much the same. Not the partner's kids, not their problem.

Sounds to me as if you are expecting too much from your partner .

I don't think so. She refers to him as a man on this thread.

Sorry, you're right, there's a 'he' in the first post.

He's made his feelings pretty clear and I'm afraid he's right - you are a parent and he is not (he's not their stepfather either)

You don't get to be spontaneous because you have two children you are responsible for. Therefore you need to make arrangements for them to be looked after if you want to go out.

He gets to be spontaneous because he has no children. He is not responsible for your children and if he looks after them on occasion, that's nice but it is not obligatory and you shouldn't expect him to always be willing.

Man or woman is irrelevant. When I first met my now husband he had no bio children and I had two. Ultimately, he could do what he liked because he didn't have the responsibility of children. Obviously I couldn't.

This with bells on.

Thanks everyone.
I find building a new life with kids and another partner can be challenging.
I wasn't sure if I was really reasonnable on that point and was looking for other people's opinion.

🙄

Are you married to partner? If not he's not their StepDad. When I remarried my new DH he became StepDad to my DC. 2 DC were 20 and almost 18 but my youngest was 8 weeks had already been living together for over 2 years but I never let him pay for my DC until after we were married and even then I told him I would poo ay more than half of bills and food because DS was living with us but he insisted we paid half each because he said DS didn't eat much and we'd have heating on etc anyway. I used child support from exh to buy DC clothes and help DC at uni.

He isnt their step parent. You are not married.

you should do mum duties, you’re their mum.
No, he’s already doing way more than he has to. He doesn’t need to ask your permission to go out

This. Ridiculous you would think otherwise.

They are not his children and not his responsibility.

Came to say the same thing.

Your kids you deal with them.

this - I despair

Hell would freeze over before I left my DC (especially as young as yours) with a male who wasn't biologically related. He certainly wouldn't be living with us after a couple of years. The rest is just irrelevant. He is not the DF or even their step dad. The statistics are frightening enough.
My Dsis's partner at the time gave her a choice the baby or him. She chose the baby. She then met her now husband when DN was four, but never lived with until DN went to university. I obviously love my Dsis, but as a woman and mother I respect her more than anyone. Her DS always came first as a child.

Lodger with a todger?

Absolutely not reasonable. Build your social life around your ex's access.

He's not their step dad. He's only your boyfriend, not their family.
He is not responsible for looking after them, at all.
Why should he ask permission to go out?

Ok, I think you need to accept his view is they are your kids and you are responsible for them, as such, he will help when he can, but as he is not their parent, then he shouldn’t have the same level of responsibility as you.

this maybe not what you wish, but it is what he wishes and his position is not unreasonable. You also should not be asking him to get the kids to listen to you. If they don’t so so, then this is on you.

In terms of care, then it’s the children’s father you should be working with here, if the father is not on the scene, then yes it falls to you.

he is not their step father you need to stop calling him that. He is your partner. He is not their step father children’s step parent. And if you use that term to emotionally manipulate him into doing more for you then you need to stop.

Your partner doesn’t need to ask your permission or give warning that he has plans because the children aren’t his responsibility.

You should be planning your social life for when your children are with their father not expecting your new partner to pick up the slack.

I think it's very reasonable that you confirm childcare with him a couple of days in advance for your regular plans - he's not their dad after all.

I think it's reasonable for him to have more flexibility with his plans as childcare isn't a consideration for him - they're your kids not his.

I think it's unreasonable for him to decide at 6pm he's going out as it mucks up dinner plans and is very short notice.

But I also think that life needs spontaneity and it's unreasonable of him to refuse the odd last- minute childcare request as you are presumably some sort of blended family.

They're your kids, your responsibility.

@TinkaM you said your partner just started contributing to bills whereas in your other post you said you shared all bills but partner just started to contribute to child related bills and that she was the one initiating this which was very generous of her. Normally it's you and father who are financially responsible for your children.

Your partner is childfree and can live her life according to this with just telling you she will be out on x evening as you would in a childfree relationship. They ARE NOT HER CHILDREN so she has no obligation towards them at all. I know that many women are being used as nannies with fannies in heterosexual couples so good on her on keeping her boundaries and freedom.

Only started financially helping recently? Like towards the household bills?

Cocklodger.