Grandparents on the other side

[IsThisOneFree]

Do you interact with them?

I would like to communicate through words and deeds, to my step kids’ maternal grandmother, (her daughter, their mother, is deceased,) that I mean her or the kids no harm and I respect her role in the family. She has always been a lovely, involved granny and they are close to her, but my turning up is clearly provoking raw feelings. She’s not been rude, just awkward.
I wondered about a Mother’s Day card saying something like “thanks for sharing our special people.”
Any other ideas? Do I suggest outings?

How do other folk navigate this one?

Mother's Day cards should be from her grandchildren.
It would seem very awkward for you to be involving yourself in her life with her grandchildren.

Be polite and support the kids' relationship with her.
Stay on the side lines for a long while.
Over time you will learn mutual respect for each other.
She will always miss her daughter.

A mother's Day card would be very triggering, given her daughter wouldn't be able to give one. 💔

Agreed that you should stay respectfully on the side lines. Obviously you can build your own relationship with the kids, but when it comes to events you'll both attend, let her shine with them.

Her feelings are her own to work through. You don't need to fix this, and it would make it worse if you tried too. Polite and friendly are all you need to be.

She’s grieving her daughter. Seeing you mother her grandchildren must provoke all
kinds of emotions.

I think you just stay back, encourage their relationship and be respectful.

A Mother’s Day card from the grandchildren is appropriate. Not from you though.

Please don’t send her a Mother’s Day card. Stand back gently, help the Children get or make her a card, that would mean a lot: These things take so much longer than you think but only time and quiet kindness will help.

Thanks for responding. She contributes to school fees and expects to attend parents’ evenings. It felt a bit odd with the three of us there. (Though she has every right to want to be involved.)
when one of the kids needed a trip to A and E she wanted to take her instead of her father. She was a bit put out that he was the only one with parental responsibility.

I completely understand that she is still grieving several years later, but it is a bit odd.

How long have you been with the father?

Would seem better if their dad and grandmother went to parents evenings. Not sure why you'd need to be there?

Do you have children?

I think you should reframe your view of this tbh. I wouldn't consider that odd, she probably was more involved in the family unit until you met your DP. She also clearly loves them from your description, and is grieving. There's no time limit on that.

Rightly you're stepping into a guardian type role of the DC, but the goal should be to do that in a way that doesn't displace. It'll be uncomfortable for all of you for a while I think, but if you love the little family you're becoming a part of focus on that instead.

Leave any boundaries between her role as a grandparent and parent to your DP to iron out, and try not to colour them with your perspective just yet.

I think you need to look at this from a different perspective.
I have daughters and grandchildren and I would really struggle to see another woman in my daughter’s role however much I understood my son in laws position.
Your step children are, and will
always be, her blood relatives whereas if you should separate
from their father you may never see
them again.
She is very much involved and contributing to their lives and school fees. Please don’t take that away from her; their maternal extended family are and will continue to be so important to the children.
Please don’t send her a mothers day card; your step children can send a “to granny on Mother’s Day” card,
she isn’t YOUR mum or even “like a mum”.
Maybe allow your relationship to grow with sympathy and empathy on your part?

It's good that you are thinking about how not disrespect her or hurt her. I have often wondered myself what would happen to.my stepchilds maternal family should anything ever happen to his mother (unlikely thankfully).

I think sending a card would be very strange and extremely triggering. Maybe your partner could arrange for the kids to visit her and bring a card and some flowers from them on Mothers Day?

Also, why are you attending parents evening? How long are you together? It probably did feel odd with 3 of you there, but I don't think she was the extra person?!

How long are you and partner together? How long is the child's mother deceased? Just tying to get a bit more context.

Good god don't send her a Mother's Day card thanking her for sharing the children! Those children only exist because of her daughter, she's been there their whole lives, whereas you came later and could leave at any time and they'd never see you again.

She's the one that will be able to tell the funny stories of their mother's childhood, show them photos of their mother as a child, keep that family connection going.

The poor woman is grieving her daughter and sees you in her daughter's place, of course it's awkward. Perhaps she's worried you and her father might try to sideline her.

If she pays school fees she has every right to attend parents' evenings, it's the least you can do to graciously accept her being there.

Remember you're not their parent, but she's their blood grandparent and a link to their mother. Over time hopefully you can show her that you're up to the job, but you can't force it, let it happen gradually by showing humility and that you aren't trying to replace her daughter.

You say her daughter died several years ago, that sounds like it's not that long. How awful and hard it must be for her to see in that short time you've met and married her son in law, and now you seem to want to control the terms of her relationship with her family.

You deal with this by stepping back, being respectful and pleasant to her, do not suggest outings with her or anything that gives the impression you're trying to ingratiate yourself with her.

It's going to take her a long time, if she ever does, to accept you doing all the things her daughter should be doing. Imagine her pain, if you can. You got a shiny new husband and stepchildren, she's got the grief of losing her child, something which no parent ever expects to do. She probably also has negative feelings towards her son in law too, for moving on quickly. Have some sympathy for her and don't try to force or change anything.

It sounds like you're potentially making this a bit bigger than it needs to be.

Wanting to take the kids to the hospital is a bit odd. Wanting to hear about the education she's paying for is less so. If you feel too awkward, you don't have to go, do you? Their father is there.

Sending a mother's day card to a woman who lost her daughter is...I'll say clumsy but could be mistaken for deliberate cruelty. Because why on earth would you??

If she is overstepping then it's for your DH to handle. If she's not, and things are a little stunted sometimes then they'll probably smooth out over time. No need for dramatic gestures.

No dont do that it will massively backfire and come across as you trying to replace her dead daughter.
Also do not refer to her grandchildren as our special people, those kids aren't yours

Do not send a mother's day card.

Just be yourself, go the extra mile to invite them to grandkids stuff or for Sunday dinner every so often, they will be worried about losing touch with grandkids, they just need ti.e abd reassurance.

I can't even begin to imagine how I'd cope in her position. However much I'd want my son in law to be happy, I'd find it agonising to see someone else mothering my DGDs. I'm so involved with them now (and presumably might be even more so after such a tragedy, for childcare etc). So navigating the new situation would be SO hard.

I'm sure that she'd rather see the children just with their father. That's natural, and I don't think that there's much you can do to move things along. As for the parents evening I'd stay home and let her (she's paying) and your DH (who can report back to you) go.

And yes, The Mother's Day card idea is spectacularly misjudged. And this:
do not refer to her grandchildren as our special people, those kids aren't yours

Give that at this point your ideas are so way off the mark, I really would stand back. It's much safer than trying to get involved in ways that almost certainly would set things back badly.

I grieve my stillborn baby every day. It’s 32 years this year.

she will be grieving her daughter every day for the rest of her life.

you absolutely should not send such a Mother’s Day card. Don’t you realise how insensitive that is?

All of this. You don't need to read any other posts, as this advice is perfect.

And yes, more than anything she will be fearing that she will be sidelined and gradually lose the connection with her DGCs. I do hope that your DH is reassuring her that that will never happen. If he isn't, this is where you can be helpful and encourage him to let her know that this won't happen. Maybe then she'll see you as less of a threat.

I’m actually stunned and speechless at your insensitivity- the kids are not your special
people.

Further to my post above, I'd also recommend making sure she's invited to all the school concerts, class assemblies, school fairs, exhibitions of project work etc. I went to all of those things as a grandma and felt they gave me a close connection with school and also a recognition of my role in looking after my grandchild after school etc( Fortunately I was not in the position of your step children's grandmother). My grandchild's primary school also did things like Grandparents coffee mornings and craft afternoons where children and grandparents spent time together in the school environment. If the school does similar things make sure she's invited.

I watch my husband and his ex wife struggle watching their son's widow navigating her new relationship - she's just got engaged to her new boyfriend. Everything is a reminder that he isn't there any more going through those relationship steps. And there aren't any kids involved.

Take it slowly - even without the dynamics of your husband being a widower - there would be so many bear traps here.

Honestly - it'll probably come in time - but she'll be worried abut the kids, about your relationship with them about whether her relationship will continue the same way and she'll still be grieving her daughter.

Don't try and replace their mum. I'm sure you aren't .... but work out what your own relationship is. Don't send the card....

Message received about card=bad. I’m at parents evening with one of my own kids (one in the same year as one of dh’s we book appointments together) and I’m usually the person at home in the early evening supporting homework etc. I’ve been with DH for just over 2 years, married in October last year. I’ve known him over a decade. DH lost his wife 3 years before we started dating.

Yikes... that was a quick marriage.

Can't you drive to parents evening with your husband and then just book your appointment consecutively? Like he doesn't particularly need to hear about your kids either.

I honestly think you shouldn't have much contact with her unless she reaches out. Everything should be through your husband.

This

She contributes to school fees and expects to attend parents’ evenings

Oh dear. Control in exchange for the cash. If you said you'd rather she didn't come, would she still pay? She sounds unpleasant.

I understand your point here. But I think in all honesty what has probably happened is she contributes because she's a nice grandmother. And the Father obviously tells her of parent evenings and she's delighted to attend as a caring grandparent. And it seems that this worked for years... and now the OP has come along, got married very quick and has taken issue with it.

DH and I love and are involved in the lives of each other’s biological offspring. We like it that way! We are also respectful of the people they have lost. They are in photos, we acknowledge their birthdays, they are spoken about freely…