Grandparents on the other side

[IsThisOneFree]

Do you interact with them?

I would like to communicate through words and deeds, to my step kids’ maternal grandmother, (her daughter, their mother, is deceased,) that I mean her or the kids no harm and I respect her role in the family. She has always been a lovely, involved granny and they are close to her, but my turning up is clearly provoking raw feelings. She’s not been rude, just awkward.
I wondered about a Mother’s Day card saying something like “thanks for sharing our special people.”
Any other ideas? Do I suggest outings?

How do other folk navigate this one?

That sounds great but I agree with the other poster who said that the actual relationship management between your SDC and their grandmother is something your DH should do, not you. Stay out of that and things should improve - not because of you as you, but because of the position you occupy in the family, which needs to be very low key in relation to the SDC with her.💐

I think in her situation I would find the fact you were someone already on the scene prior to her daughters death much harder to deal with. Grief is a funny thing and you can be as gracious, accepting of the reality of the situation and still not particularly want to have any type of close relationship or feel answerable to a woman who has slipped right into your dead daughters previous family unit. For me that previous link would be much harder to swallow.

She may never want any sort of any relationship with you out side of the level of polite keep the peace to ensure she maintains a relationship with her grandchildren. And thats all she owes you. She is kind to your kids. What else do you want from her?

If your dh feels she is crossing boundaries its for him to raise with her. With consideration given to how important it is for his children to be able to maintain a strong link to their maternal family side.

Honestly though between your card idea and your previous thread I do wonder about your how you view how your family unit. It doesn't scream real emotional maturity and understanding.

i don’t think anyone who knows us in real life would ever dream of contemplating that DH cheated on his first wife- he adored her. His mother-in-law knows that.

I think it’s possible people wonder if we started before I was widowed, (first husband was in residential care.) They would be wrong…but could be forgiven for wondering.

OP you sound lovely and it is great that it seems to be working out so well for you all.

Their granny lost her daughter, the worst thing that can happen to a mother.
She will never get over it however much she tries.
Its not you, its any woman in her darling daughters space.
Her link to her daughter is her grandchildren and her emotions and protection of them will be primal, even with their father.
Take your time and continue to go gently.
Her behaviour sounds very generous in the circumstances.
Good luck.