Grandparents on the other side

[IsThisOneFree]

Do you interact with them?

I would like to communicate through words and deeds, to my step kids’ maternal grandmother, (her daughter, their mother, is deceased,) that I mean her or the kids no harm and I respect her role in the family. She has always been a lovely, involved granny and they are close to her, but my turning up is clearly provoking raw feelings. She’s not been rude, just awkward.
I wondered about a Mother’s Day card saying something like “thanks for sharing our special people.”
Any other ideas? Do I suggest outings?

How do other folk navigate this one?

Oh god you’re way to new to be this involved. You shouldn’t be at parents evening, I’m sure it was awkward but not because of a maternal grandmother.

let him take back over homework, he needs to arrange his work life around the fact that he is his DC’s sole parent and not put the burden on you.

I don’t think there is any malice or control there. She started helping out with the fees when her daughter had to give up work due to poor health. I can absolutely appreciate she feels sidelined and so want to do what I can to minimise that-hence the question. At the same time I am not a spare part in our new, blended family.

You find it odd that she is still grieving her child several years later? I find i odd you don't understand that she will always grief her child. I take it you don't have any children

Exactly..the OP is way off the mark here and has a lot to learn

You're not a spare part... but you're also not the main character

You aren’t a spare part, you have a role, but it isn’t that of a parent. Maybe a decade down the line you may be, but you can’t shoehorn your way into their mother’s shoes.

your relationship is new, and the dc have been through so much. I can’t imagine how conflicting this must be.

It’s not odd at all, she lost her daughter and I’m sure it’s hard for her seeing the grandchildren that she’s loves living without their mother.

She’s more family to them than you are and I think your way over stepping the mark considering you’ve been in the picture for 2 years.

OP - you have only been in this blended family for 2 years. And you seem to be intent on marking territory and signalling your dominance. Why is that needed?
His kids have been through a lot as is. And so had the grandmother.
You seem to not want to understand and acknowledge that.

It is not about being "spare part" in the new blended family if you respect the feelings of the grandmother who lost her daughter. It is NOT strange that she wants to be at the parent teacher meetings for her grandkids, as for 3 years after her daughter's death she stepped up to help the family. It is strange that you want to be in those meetings for his kids, after only being on the scene for less than 2 years, IMHO.

Those kids are NOT your "special people" - and putting that on a card to their grand mother is really insensitive. It's like you are trying to erase their mother.

It's great you care about his kids - and over the years you may actually become more of a mother figure to them. But it does not happen overnight by marrying their father. You need to earn it over time. And - at this time - yes, your role is to be respectful of their grand mother and to reign in your need to create some perfect picture of a blended family.

Well you are a bit of a spare part...honestly. Just a bit.

Anyways what does you husband think?

Just don't force it - you may have known him a decade but it is all really quite early on yet - in all the blending families families etc.... There's a ways to go yet.

I'd appreciate her help and allow that relationship to continue with the kids and the school. And focus on managing the blended family.

I think you need to look at it as she is trying to make sure she does right by her daughter and looks out for her children. Yes she isn’t their mum but she is their closest relation to her.

you are all navigating something new and complex as well as her dealing with the continued grief of losing her child, the children’s mother. She will start to ease up eventually and if not then that is for DH to broach.

she also is still trying manage feeling like she may be pushed out or making sure the children don’t feel that way. Or that they don’t feel abandoned by her stepping back either if they’re used to her being present.

all things with time, keep being your nice self and she will see that her GCs are safe with you and can feel that she isn’t letting her daughters memory down in anyway.

honestly school isn’t a hill to die on, if DH doesn’t mind let her. And the hospital stuff is for him to push back on and she learnt she doesn’t have PR so can’t overreach on that hard anyway.

Okay, I can be a bit of a spare part! Husband cares about her, wants to do the right thing by her, feels indebted (and sincere gratitude) to her for financial and childcare help during his first wife’s illness and in the immediate aftermath as a single dad to four under-tens, and at the same time gets irritated by some of her assumptions about him and the kids needs. That a dad would be useless with an injured child in hospital, for example.

Have you not thought about this on a deeper level and the fact that she might have wanted to take her DGC to the hospital as she has some anxiety over people she loves being ill??

A dad might not be useless with an injured child, no. But she was clearly doing a lot of childcare even before her daughter's passing and he didn't even wait a wet weekend before moving another woman into her grandchildren's lives!

You might not be a 'spare part' but your new blended family was formed before anyone had a chance to breathe!

It's incredibly insensitive to be banging on about sharing special people when her daughter was replaced so soon.

Just out of interest, what would you consider an appropriate length of time before dating?

She has obviously felt that she had to take on her daughter's role, perhaps her husband is/was a much less involved parent? Deferring to your DH will be much easier for her than seeing you 'parent' her DGC. You all sound like sensitive and respectful people so I'm sure you will work it out but she may never get past the fact that you are only in their lives because her DD died.

There’s a big difference between dating and being moved in, blending families and married.

Well you've just gone and assumed that she thought that he'd be useless at the hospital instead of thinking hey maybe she realised he has 3 other kids at home who need taking care of and as a loving and caring grandparents I can maybe assist by looking after my grandchild in hospital.

Things that she does can irritate him. Things my husband does irritate me, Things my mother does irritates me... I certainly wouldn't let me shiny new wife of no time at all push out the grandmother who has been a rock to him FOR YEARS! And will always be the kids grandmother.

I'd spend more time focusing on the changes you've both thrust upon these kids in such little time when they've had a really hard start in life already.

It's hard for me to imagine ever dating again after losing my beloved DH but thinking back to my kids being that age, after an illness, dealing with the grief etc I'd say I'd be waiting at least three to four years before even considering dating and even then I wouldn't dream of introducing anyone for at least the first year.

But I'm aware everyone is different. Clearly.

I'm wondering if she is keeping an eye on the kids to make sure they're okay, it's possible they've expressed feelings to her that neither you or their dad are aware of.

It has all happened incredibly fast and whilst you're all loved up in your bubble of a new family, not everyone may be on the same page. Blended families are very complex and sometimes the adults are not fully aware of how everyone feels. The kids may opening up to her separately and she's being a kind caring grandmother ensuring she's looking out for them like her daughter would want her to.

There is no hard and fast rule but if you accept that he grieved for his first wife for three years (before starting to date you) then he got over the loss and replaced her in less than two years (starting to date and married).

I support unpaid carers for a living. This morning I met a beautiful couple in their 80s. They have been married over half a century. One of their sons died in childhood. Their exact words "it doesn't matter how long ago it was, it always feels like he died yesterday."
This grandmother will grieve her child for the rest of her life. It's not a bit odd at all.

I think you need to look at it as she is trying to make sure she does right by her daughter and looks out for her children.

That. And it also goes a way to explaining the hospital thing.

When my 1 year old granddaughter was admitted to hospital with pneumonia I felt a really primal need to see her and be with her. It was very close to the way I would have felt when my DD, her mother, was that age.
Given that this grandmother lost her own daughter to an illness, I would imagine that the same primal love for her grandchild PLUS a degree of health anxiety for her loved ones, would explain her need/want/urge to be the one with the DGC in this situation.

He hasn’t half moved fast with you has he? Dating and married and blended family in two years? Why so fast?

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. You didn’t start dating your husband until 3 years after his wife died. You married fairly quickly after that but presumably you all wanted some happiness after so much sadness. Just be sensitive to the grandma and cut her some slack.

I think you have been given a rough ride here, OP. I would suggest you invite her round for dinner after school one day. She can sit and listen to reading books, you can chat while you cook, she might like to help with bed and bath too. It might end up a regular thing. It sounds like it could be a potentially really good relationship, with careful handling.