Grandparents on the other side

[IsThisOneFree]

Do you interact with them?

I would like to communicate through words and deeds, to my step kids’ maternal grandmother, (her daughter, their mother, is deceased,) that I mean her or the kids no harm and I respect her role in the family. She has always been a lovely, involved granny and they are close to her, but my turning up is clearly provoking raw feelings. She’s not been rude, just awkward.
I wondered about a Mother’s Day card saying something like “thanks for sharing our special people.”
Any other ideas? Do I suggest outings?

How do other folk navigate this one?

Right, firstly stop being so mean to @IsThisOneFree, she has known her husband for 10 years, his wife died five years ago and they started officially dating three years after she died. That, they got married after two years is neither here nor there and not for us to comment upon, rather we should be pleased that they have found love again.

@IsThisOneFree your actual issue is how you and your step children's granny navigate the years ahead... and my first question would be, have you and granny had a conversation about this... I am sure that neither of you will want to upset the other but you do need to agree boundaries and what you feel comfortable doing. She is not her daughter, and you are not their mother but you both have really valuable roles to play in their lives and I am sure that you will both want the best for them, so my first suggestion is that you have a conversation, preferably somewhere neutral and you let her know what you would like to discuss with her. It will be tough but I reckon necessary.

I wholeheartedly disagree, unfortunately.
Starting to date, blending 2 families and getting married all within 2 years is absolutely relevant. It's mayhem thrown unto small children who are grieving their poor mother.

I don't think anybody finds issue with OP dating the man and finding, but they absolutely rushed a marriage when there are poor children to think of and now the OP is trying to push the maternal grandmother out of the original family dynamics.

You are welcome to disagree. We are both devoted to our children and do our best for them. I’ve known all of them a long time, I remember his youngest two being born, his older ones have been in school with my youngest since nursery, same cubs and scouts, same sports clubs…when my eldest had her year eleven prom his first wife came out and took photos for us. I have one his younger boy trying to dance with her in the street. Our respective kids knew both of us and each other. They have always been positive about us being together.

I'm a step-parent in a similar situation. I find my relationship with my DSC's granny complex too. For me, part of it is just accepting that things will probably never be easy because there is this horrendous grief that isn't going to go away.

You've got the mother-in-law relationship without the person in the middle who Mumsnet says should be doing all the mother-in-law communication, who has also lost the kind of free access to her grandchildren she might have had before.

I do try and emphasise how important her relationship with her grandchildren is to them and invite granny to lots of school events, sports events, to take the kids on days out etc. It's sounds like you are already mindful of these things though.

The comments you've received from some of the posters on this thread are awful though! I'm so glad no one in real life has ever said the things to me that people think it is okay to say to you online.

Its this plus the mothers day card with the outrageous passive aggressive messaging of our special people.
How any new stepmother to 4 young children who lost their mother could think that this would ever be an appropriate thing to say to a grieving mother, or that it would be seen as anything other than saying I'm mum now back off.
It certainly makes me question @IsThisOneFree motives, I may well be wrong but I worry about those kids future emotional health living with her.

And no, I don’t want to push granny out of the dynamics. I want granny to relax, trust us to parent as a team, feel welcome in our home and enjoy being granny without feeling she’s required to take on a parental role. She’s very good/kind at including my youngest in birthday/Christmas and calls him a bonus grandchild. She’s lovely, just anxious!

@IsThisOneFree

Your eldest DD, she was unhappy about the situation wasn't she and had resentment towards the younger children. How is that working out?

Sounds like a very complex situation all round. I think the GM has picked up on some of these issues and is keeping a close eye on her grandchildren. The children may feel more comfortable talking to her as she's a link to their mum. You must not try to interfere with that.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble OP, but it sounds like there are some more complex undercurrents you are choosing to ignore. Your own DD has said she isn't happy and resents the current situation. Don't put your head in the sand and think that just because you are happy everyone else is.

You're in danger of making things worse if you go charging in with the GM and overstepping with cards and phrases like 'our special people'.

It's good that you're a positive influence in their lives but they are not your children. Leave their father and GM to the parents evenings.

But she's done the parental role for 5 years... you keep saying you aren't trying to push her out but then say quite nasty things about her afterwards.

I don't think you are intentionally doing this, but certainly your thoughts and actions aren't very inclusive.

You don't need to take on a parental role either in fairness.

Knowing of kids for years and moving in overnight are very different things. They are hardly going ti turn around and tell you how stressed out they must be given you and their father seem impulsive.

Very kindly OP most people are telling you your overstep here and YES it does seem that you want granny out of the way because you “know” how to parent. Please listen and step back and stop forcing your opinion about/on her desires to ensure her grandchildren are ok in their mothers absence. It is only up yo her and her father to deal with. It does not mean you don’t have a role in the grandchildren lives it just not as important right now and that may change in the future bit thats up to the children/father/grandparents to decide NOT you. Maybe step back for a few years and let this happen more organically and naturally you are only going to end up the wicked step-mom if you continue on as you are. I think your intentions are coming from a good place, bit unfortunately it’s not your place to decide.

Is there any scope for grandma so spend some occasions with the kids by herself?

With that sort of grief I think however you behave it will still be very hard for this woman. No matter how nice you are she'd infinitely rather have her daughter raising her grandchildren.

If anything this is worse than you being a random stranger he happened to meet and fall in love with.
You knew this husband and wife for years and obviously had alot to do with them given your children went to nursery together and the same clubs etc and then when his wife died you jumped in to take her place.

Yes So much worse...agree with this post .

My eldest has commented that I’m different with the younger children, including her youngest bio sibling. It’s a combination of being older, in a happier relationship and not dealing with what turned out to be a degenerative neurological condition making her father’s behaviour erratic and challenging. Her life hasn’t always been what I would have wished for her but she’s flourishing as an adult and we have a good relationship.

I think some people on here are just very bitter and twisted about any step parent. They are best ignored.

Most of us are stepmothers so our horror at the thought of you sending a mothers day card to the mother of your stepchildrens deceased mother has nothing to do with hating stepmothers and everything to do with the inappropriateness of your plan and your choice of words to go in it.

I’m a step parent and I have a step parent and my kids have a step parent.

you’ve moved very fast and your attitude towards the kids granny and the things you say and want to send is not going to help the situation.

I think most people here are step-parents.... hence coming from a caring place. I k ow from my own experience with my stepchild where his own mother met a guy, moved him in and married all within 22 months that his relationship with his mother has completely soured.... and he wasn't dealing with the grief of losing his other parent.

You've said that your eldest has her own issues from your former relationship and your relationship now with the younger children (bio or step). But yet here you are.

I also don't think anybody here thinks you are deliberately out to push the grandmother out. I think your intentions are good but your execution isn't appropriate.

I also think you are getting a hard time here, OP! I get that you are trying to do the right thing here and that’s why you have asked for advice.
I’m a step parent as well as a parent.
I love my step-kids and I am very involved in their lives but I have never been to a parents evening at school, it’s not my place - I am not their parent. I also have always kept
a distance from the other side of my step kids family. We are polite and friendly and focus on the children in the communications that we do have and we make sure that when needed we can all be together at big life events for them and the kids see that we all get along. Any “relationship management” that is needed, would always go through my DH and never through me. I would only ever go to school plays and concerts etc if there was space for me after their biological family had come first. There are times when my DH, his kids, and their mums family will do things together without me - I understand that’s important and that I need to take a step back sometimes.
step parenting is a very hard balancing act sometimes! Good luck!

I think it is possible you have misunderstood your role in step children's lives when they still have their maternal grandmother in your DH's first wife's place. I am not sure what your stepmother role is exactly either in this situation, but surely it does not involve 'taking over' in the family. I would graciously allow her to be the 'parent' on occasion, eg the school parents' evening. Do your DSC have time on their own with her? I hope you don't always accompany them when they see her. They need to have that relationship separately from you. Best to stay low key in the background for now. This isn't about you.

OP read this carefully, good advice.
And no it's not a case of mumsnet disliking step mums. As a step mum I have kept respectful of the biological family, like many posters have told you it's not appropriate for you to go to parents evenings. Let their father go and let the grandmother have her time there. Let her feel secure that she won't be pushed out, this poor woman has recently lost her daughter and must fear she will be excluded from her grandchildren. Obviously you have no intention of doing that but you really need to step back and remember they are not your children

I didn't want to read and run because this situation is so like one I have been close to. There was a person in that situation who did many things I admire. She kept contact with MIL, she put aside time to foster the relationships between GC and GM, she got her new partner on board, and she did have the courage to speak up when it felt like things were breaking down (eg, over inheritance and bequests).

Your situation is a bit different but the principle stands - don't let grief about loss become even more loss. Go in the life direction.

My role, as agreed with their father, is to be hands on in their upbringing as he is with my youngest. I cook most family meals, oversee homework, monitor communications from school, do laundry book haircuts, know what day they need swimming kit, talk with them, support them and love them. They do actually quite like me!
yes, they have time with their granny, too and no, I don’t interfere with that or insist on being there. Neither of us are their mother and we both have a role in their lives that involves trying to be a positive female presence while being sensitive to the loss of their primary carer who can’t be replaced.

I really don’t think you get it.

its such a shame because you’re going to cause hurt and upset and I really don’t think you mean to.

I agree, makes it seem worse, not better.

Like you were always waiting in the wings.

Were you single this whole time you knew them?

I am a step-parent, not bitter.

I get a bad vibe.