Grandparents on the other side

[IsThisOneFree]

Do you interact with them?

I would like to communicate through words and deeds, to my step kids’ maternal grandmother, (her daughter, their mother, is deceased,) that I mean her or the kids no harm and I respect her role in the family. She has always been a lovely, involved granny and they are close to her, but my turning up is clearly provoking raw feelings. She’s not been rude, just awkward.
I wondered about a Mother’s Day card saying something like “thanks for sharing our special people.”
Any other ideas? Do I suggest outings?

How do other folk navigate this one?

You and their father can agree all sorts of things about you and his role.

The kids at home won’t feel able to tell you what they actually think and the risk is that they’re not happy and you won’t know about it.

mine tell me all sorts of things about stuff that goes down at their dad’s house. I didn’t become a step parent to my step child until they were 17. We dated for 2 years before we even introduced the kids, never mind being married in less than 2 years.

I hate my step mum. I’d never tell my dad that though, I swallow it down. But I’m an adult now and I don’t have to live with her.

She was already in a parental role, probably starting when her daughter was unwell, and I'd think that she would have promised her daughter that she would be there and care for her children, as many of us would want. Now you're asking her to step back from a role she's already in, but it was already in place before your relationship. It's a unique situation but I think you need to respect her role is more than an average Granny because both she and the children have lost someone so special to all of them, and it's what their Mum would have wanted.

No, she doesn’t at all.
The woman couldn’t win if she retreated to her shell so that she wasn’t reminded of the pain of losing her daughter in the faces of the children that must look identical to her then she would be a bad woman

Where is/was your children’s father?

Just because you've agreed this with their father... who is obviously wearing the same rose tinted glasses as you having married you on a whim.... doesn't mean that SHOULD be your role.

You won't know until.they are adults if they like you. They are kids with nowhere else.to go and nowhere to vent and can't even rely on their father now.

What does he doe if you do everything else?

Honeatly the more you say, the worse it looks.

What a horribly unpleasant response.

OP I think you come across as being very caring and thoughtful about a difficult situation. Well done to both you and DH for your roles in managing a blended family sensitively.
As for the grandmother please give her all the time and patience she needs to come to terms with the ‘new’ family set up. She is naturally anxious about her GC and as she has had a lot to do with them her role is more than that of the usual grandparent/GC role. As she comes to trust you more to look after her precious GC she will relax. Include her in family activities as far as is possible/practical and allow her time with her GC.
You’re doing a great job. I wish that all stepmothers were like you!

I can see why this is hard for you but I think your trying a little too hard. This woman has lost her daughter, become mother unofficially to her grandkids, and is now trying to navigate there being a new woman to potentially mother those kids. It's complicated. See what happens over time, don't push anything. Don't thank her for what she does, because she's doing it for her daughter not you. In time she may let you do more.

Have you read the full thread?
I've repeatedly said that I think the OPs intentions are good... but she's completely over reaching and has taken on a role that is completely unnecessary and very very much disrespectful towards the children's late mother and grandmother. All this in basically the blink of an eye.

@IsThisOneFree

I know it's easier to dismiss us all as not understanding than listen to what is being said. We're not bitter we are experienced

I've been a stepmum for +20 years and you are really approaching this the wrong way. It's not a power struggle and you don't need to try to dominate the situation.

Their dad also needs to take a step back and think carefully how he lets this proceed. He sounds like he's not necessarily keeping everything balanced and may end up creating problems for his children by being a little short sighted.

Regarding your issues with your eldest DD, is it possible that you're trying to rewrite history with these children to erase the issues of the past. It may be that this has given you blinkers on how you are viewing things now. You need to calm down a bit.

Their GM may not be their mother but she is the closest link to that. They will always have a very special bond with her. You don't need to feel threatened by that and play power politics with her.

For your own sake, why are you taking on all the domestic chores for all the children? Where is your husband in helping out domestically? Be careful that you're not just slotted into the nanny role for all the children. That's not a healthy relationship either just unpaid child care.

Of course I’ve read it. Just nasty to say that they married on a whim and the children can no longer rely on their Father.

Sometimes the truth hurts

As usual, and so predictably, OP as a step-parents can’t do anything right.

If she was refusing any involvement she’d be being hammered for that.

As an involved step-parent she’s being told it’s too soon, not her place etc etc.

You can’t have it both ways.

And no, I’m not a step-parent, never have been, I have no axe to grind on that score. But step-parents routinely get a kicking which obscures the actual problem being asked. Which I’m reading as ‘how do I sensitively navigate an ongoing relationship with someone who perhaps is over-stepping without realising that’s what it is.’

@IsThisOneFree I think the school and hospital stuff might be something that your husband needs to deal with as the one with PR.

But I don’t think there’s anything wrong in thinking about how you can open your own conversation with the grandmother to reassure her that you know you aren’t a replacement for her daughter and wouldn’t try to be, and you know just how important it is that her relationship with her grandchildren is honoured, maintained and nurtured, which you will do. That she is safe with you, you aren’t trying to remove or supplant her place.

Separate them out, do your bit, let your husband do his.

There is no evidence on this thread for that being the truth

Re read it...carefully this time

I have and there is still no evidence to support all these horrible comments

Horrible comments?
Just because you've have a different viewpoint doesn't make truthful comments "horrible".

Unfortunately the OP doesn't see that whilst her intentions are good, she is doing the complete opposite to what she says she wants to do. She is very new to this blended family, her own children have issues, she's taken on a huge role that is completely unnecessary and is now complaining that the maternal grandmother who has been fulfilling this role for much longer (given the mother had an illness and then sadly passed away 5 years ago). Now all of a sudden the OP wants the grandmother (who by the sounds of it, has been fulfilling the maternal role for most of these 4 children's lives) to "relax" and stop making the OP feel odd?

Again, apparently not the OPs intentions, but the utter disrespect is compelling. It makes me so upset for those children and that grandmother. Most people widowed / seperated / with children barely introduce their children to potential partners for a long time... let alone date, move in, marry and then next on the Agenda is push Granny out?

These comments aren't meant to be horrible. They are supposed to get OP and hopefully her new husband open their eyes to the chaos they are creating.

You should have a look at what you actually said. You could made your point in a much nicer way. It’s not about disagreeing/agreeing but wording things appropriately.

I am not a step parent - my partner has children but we do not live together.

Reading this though I did wonder what the OP’s husband does for his children - the OP seems to do it all!

Also, I wondered who performed the OP’s (huge) role in respect of the children before she took it on, and (depending on who that person was) how the change over to the OP performing this role was handled -it sounds as though it could have been very traumatic for the children, who presumably have lost both their actual mother after a period of illness, and then also lost whoever was performing the OP’s role before she turned up.

Even if it was their father doing all this before OP, the change to him performing what sounds like a very minimal role in family life must have been a great shock for them. If it was their grandmother, who has now completely lost this role, even more so.

So glad the card will not be sent!

He does a lot, but perhaps the more traditionally male stuff; running them (including “mine”) all over the county to sporting activities, gardening, diy, some cooking and domestic stuff especially at weekends, is the main breadwinner though I run a small business from home, bedtime stories, walks the dogs every evening often with the kids. He outsourced a lot to a cleaner and breakfast and after school clubs. We’ve now cut back on those.

We’ve both been single parents who carry everything. We are both much happier and healthier sharing the load and giving each other some support. A home run by two happy, supported adults is a lot nicer than one run by a single one on their last nerve. (No shade intended to be directed at single people raising families, it’s a huge task.)

Have you talked about this with DH? What does he say?
Do you feel uncomfortable like you're stepping on her daughter's toes when she's around, are you both struggling with it? It's a difficult one, maybe you could sit down with her for a heart to heart as there's obviously barriers.

You are very thoughtful and that thoughtfulness will come back to you in time.

For now she needs to have a good relationship with her late daughter’s children. She cannot see what an asset you are to her grandchildren but will in years to come.

Grandma on Mother’s Day with flowers from kids will be fine. But give her time she lost her child and you stepped into her role. Encourage there relationship and take good care of the kids, Once she sees that you are not the wicked stepmother she may warm up a little.

Honestly? It's good of you to think of her so much.

I don't have anything to do with DSD's maternal grandmother... the reasons are many and complicated. While I pity her losing her daughter, she is also a very unpleasant person generally.

You're not required to maintain or facilitate the relationship between her and her dgc - that's for your husband to sort out and make decisions on.

Just be mindful you don't get embroiled in a situation - she's grieving her daughter and the relationship with you is bound to raise painful feelings for her, which is no fault of yours.

This is a difficult and delicate situation for all concerned. I can understand why you are struggling. I am a grandmother and step-mother so I understand the emotions attached to each role. Being a step parent isn't easy and it takes a lot of understanding and patience to pick your way through and build the relationship with stepchildren and their maternal relations. It can be difficult being a second wife and the need to fight for your place is strong. So I can understand why it feels like an affront to you that some of the role regarding the children is currently lies with the grandmother. But you may blow your relationship with the children if you push too hard to take over from the grandmother

My advice would be to take things very slowly, build trust and accept that most of all the children need their grandmother at the moment. It maybe 5 years since they lost their mum but believe me grieving is a long process. I have lived more years without my mother than with her but there are still days I miss her terribly .It doesn't happen very often but when it does the sadness and hurt feel very real. Five years is nothing. Their grandmother is the closest person they have to their mother. Also no matter how much the children may grow to like you or love you you will never take her place. You can be a trusted person who is valued and in my experience that is a good place to be.

My situation wasn't the same as yours. My husband had been divorced for some time before I came on the scene. My stepchild had difficulties accepting me and made life very difficult for quite a while. It was only when I understood that what they wanted was for their parents to be reunited and that they saw me being there was an obstacle. I understood then that I had to be compassionate and little by little build trust and not be reactive to their behaviour. My stepchild is an adult now and has lost both parents but now sees me as someone, although not a parent , who is a significant person in their lives, which is lovely for us both. Be patient little by little it will come right for you all. Wishing you well.