Advise please for entitled DH and ex wife and step daughter

[Mildredneetremble]

My DH divorced 28yrs ago and has x2 adult children in their 30s, a son and daughter, when he divorced his ex wife got the house and he paid maintenance for the kids till they reached 18, his ex remarried and divorced again and again kept the house by which time the kids had moved out, she has recently purchased a property jointly with her new partner, and agreed for her daughter to build a cabin to live in on land which is part of the property so they could share the equestrian facilities that came with the property, unfortunately this has been denied planning permission and now has to be knocked down leaving the daughter in lots of debt, the ex wife is asking us for money to help buy a carvan to put on her land for her daughter to live in as she says having her living with them is out of the question so effectively making her daughter homeless but neither daughter or ex wife are willing to give up the horses and stables in order to recoup some finances.

Yes they live in a 4 bedroom farmhouse with acres of land, ex retired a year after they bought it and now her partner has been made redundant, whilst we both still work.

You’ve helped her enough financially over the years. Now she is an adult and quite frankly ignored all your advice I would say you can support her in every way except financial. You’ve offered her a home if she was that desperate she would accept.

I would say no. She is old enough to save up and buy one
Her mum could cope for a while so she can save. Even with a low paid job she cant have loads of out goings if no rent to pay .
And hopefully the rent from her house is covering her mortgage payments .
Is it a loan they want or you just to give her the money? A loan wouldn't be as bad.
Or the mum buys it and she pays her back

It is her mum who does the asking for money not their daughter.

No. She can move in with either parent, or get herself looking on Spare Room for a flat share.

They’ve been divorced over twenty five years, and your daughter is thirty plus. The ex should not be asking you for money now, and by giving it, your ex is entitling her (and is part of the problem. ).

Seems a bit of a coincidence that partner has recently been made redundant, so they’re going to the bank of ex-husband…

As you’ve offered for her to live at yours, that’s your offer and it’s fine. Why has she declined it?

nothing to do with her mother any more, but both parents are equally ‘responsible’ (even though she’s 30!) for her

some of your language is very bitter though.
‘she got the house’ divorce in Uk is fair, courts don’t sign it off otherwise, so it will have been in lieu of whatever
‘he paid maintenance’ I should hope so for his child as it sounds like he didn’t do half the parenting.
‘she got the house again’ it was already hers.

I would say no. They built without permission and ex wife is in a 4bed house. Daughter can stay there. It's both their fault (for being so impulsive)and they have to suck it up. Daughter is in her 30s!!! Not 18 ffs.

Yes you're right i do sound bitter, maybe i am partly responsible for the problem and im not such a good step parent as i thought.

What is about your husband that you think is “entitled” as per your thread title?

If they don't get on then there's no way a caravan in the garden is going to improve matters. This is fraught with difficulty, planning permission also an issue in all likelihood

DH Just needs to say to ex, I've offered her a place to stay. I don't think a caravan is the right answer so I won't be investing in that.

This. After the money was received they’d be all kinds of reasons as to why it didn’t happen.

I think I would be bitter in your situation as well, and I hope I didn’t sound too harsh earlier. You sound like you’ve been very supportive of your dh and your step daughter’s endeavours in the past, but for some reason, this is one step too far. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back, and you’ve woken up to the fact how demanding they are.

Maybe its because i was a child from divorced parents and knew how hard it is, whereas my husband and his wife were not so i think i tried to make everything right as you do as a child, and i could see that SP was trying to do the same with her mum and maintaining a lifestyle that was unmanagable and now its seems mum and daughter have a very dysfunctional relationship.

She’s in her 30’s. An adult. I’m not sure why her mum is still contacting DH regarding financial support for grown up daughter. Especially not an essentially temporary home in form of a caravan.
daughter needs to start taking responsibility and I’d say outgrown the need for her mum to be organising stuff like this for her. Unless there’s any underlying reasons DSD cant be fully responsible for herself of course.

Confused why can’t she live with her mum until she can afford to rent somewhere?

Apparently her mum has said she can't have her in the house luving there cos they argue so much.

Your DH can help his daughter if he likes but this living situation doesn’t sound legal and I feel cold just thinking about a caravan at this time of year! The reality these days is a lot of parents are helping their grown-up kids in some way towards housing if they can. On the other hand doesn’t she already own a property - can she reclaim it?

I think that if you have adult dc of that age, each parent makes their own decisions. It isn’t right for an ex to contact her exdh about what he should or shouldn’t offer. Also, the dc are in their 30s, so should talk to both parents directly about any requests. As adults do. I wouldn’t dream of contacting my long term ex about our shared dc on this way.

Surely a woman in her 30s can find somewhere to live without asking her parents for money? I wouldn't give her a penny.