Advise please for entitled DH and ex wife and step daughter

[Mildredneetremble]

My DH divorced 28yrs ago and has x2 adult children in their 30s, a son and daughter, when he divorced his ex wife got the house and he paid maintenance for the kids till they reached 18, his ex remarried and divorced again and again kept the house by which time the kids had moved out, she has recently purchased a property jointly with her new partner, and agreed for her daughter to build a cabin to live in on land which is part of the property so they could share the equestrian facilities that came with the property, unfortunately this has been denied planning permission and now has to be knocked down leaving the daughter in lots of debt, the ex wife is asking us for money to help buy a carvan to put on her land for her daughter to live in as she says having her living with them is out of the question so effectively making her daughter homeless but neither daughter or ex wife are willing to give up the horses and stables in order to recoup some finances.

Why can’t she live in the mum’s house?

@Mildredneetremblewhere is DSD currently living?

In my experience, it is not easy to reason with horse-obsessed people. Horses come before everything, and they will always choose to be broke, in a low-paid job and in risky housing if it means they can keep their horse-based dreams going

Why can’t she live with one of her parents? Or rent, like other people who don’t own a home?

Where is she living now, can’t she continue living there.

I’d bet my last piece of Christmas brie that any money given wouldn’t go towards a caravan! Whoever it was given to!

I’d not get financially involved. The DD is an adult and she made a stupid decision, along with her mother. She still has an asset (the property with the ex which she could feasible move back into and pay her ex rent for his half, until they can sell it. And you’ve offered her a roof over her head. Her track record means that money you give her will be written off, so I wouldn’t even consider a loan at this point. At some point, DCs have to learn to stand on their own two feet, not expect a parent to bail them out (and she made this mistake with her mother - her mother should be bailing her out with equity release from her own property).

A caravan that has someone living in it also needs planning permission.

If the cabin was refused then a caravan may also be refused.

Have they got planning permission for this already or are they just repeating the same mistakes they made with the cabin?

She has two parents. Your DH is not obliged to do anything but if he does that’s his decision. What does he say?

wife is asking us for money to help buy a carvan to put on her land for her daughter to live in as she says having her living with them is out of the question

Why is it out of the question for her to live with them?

She’s in her 30s and is perfectly capable of finding her own place to live!

I wouldn’t pay. Shes in her 30s for goodness sake, or is your dh going to continue to pay till hes on his death bed? If she cant afford to live there she needs to private rent or go to the council!

So she has a property rented out that she could move too? She’s not homeless really then as that’s three options, her owned house, your home or her mum’s home. How will she learn if she’s always bailed out.

My friend has looked into this extensively as she wants a cabin on her land and thought a “cabin on wheels” might get through planning, planning said it doesn’t matter if it will move if the intention is you will not actually move it. I guess she’s just going to sort of squat though?? Park up a caravan that is allegedly for yard staff and riders take their breaks in and make cups of tea but officially live in the mums house? I guess it’s up to her dad if he wants to buy her a caravan or not really.

Before paying anything check they have pernission for a caravan on the land. Also rewuires planning permission if someone is living in it.

I second the pp who suggested “loaning” her the deposit for a one bed flat rental.

Hard no from me. She’s not homeless, she can live with her mother or you. If her mother won’t have her and she won’t live with you she’s making herself intentionally homeless. That’s on her. She’s in her 30s. She’ll have to figure it out. (I also have DSC in their 30s!).

This.
IME the love of horses trounces any normal logic and rationale and I say that as a lifelong horse rider / owner . I’ve known people in abject poverty rather than their horse going without . There seems to be a high incidence of horse hoarding aswell . Buy / rescue one and 2 yrs later have 6 .

OP id save your money , SD is an adult and any money given will not enhance her life it just perpetuates ongoing lack of responsibility

She'll need planning permission for the caravan too.

If the house was refused I can't see how they think they'll get permission for a caravan. And I certainly wouldn't be chucking money at another hare-brained scheme only to have to undo it all.

At the very most I'd tell them to get permission for the caravan in place, and then we would discuss what - if anything! - we would be happy to contribute once it's clear what actually needs paying for!

Apparently because they dont get on!

This. Two homes on offer. No caravan needed.

She is in her 30s. More handouts will simply enable more unsustainable, poor decisions,

No, she can't continue to live that lifestyle when she can't afford it and has made some extremely bad decisions to get to this point.

This sounds like a ridiculous idea and I wouldn't be parting with money to help fund it .

No way. She doesn't get on with her mother yet their finances are mixed up together with the equestrian enterprise? And assuming her mother and her were together on the unplanned property . If DH bought the caravan but it was on Ex property then whose asset would it be . Why is his Ex asking instead of his DD .Your DH should say a hard No to this ill thought out idea .

I agree. She needs to start taking responsibility for herself.

Plus I guess the ex and his partner are quite wealthy if they have a house which has equestrian facilities, and room for the cabin/caravan (and a horse?).