Is it me?

[Nightsparkle]

I need some guidance on whether I’m being completely unreasonable or my husband is. For context my step son is 15 and lives 3 hours away and we have a 1 year old together. Step son doesn’t want to come and visit us often (long story but he’s of that age, his mum also has turned him against us and uses our house as a punishment option when she’s had enough to him). He’s supposed to come every 4 weeks but mostly cancels as his mum says it’s fine for him to stay at home and then when he’s naughty, we usually get a call saying she wants him gone.

we’ve not seen him over Christmas as he didn’t want to visit and my husband missed one visit as he was in hospital for 2 weeks. He now can’t drive for a while so got into a conversation earlier about how step son might come down next weekend. Without even asking me it was assumed I’d do pick up and drop off which would be pick up late friday night and drop off Sunday evening. Theres been no mention of me driving the whole way (mum makes my husband do a 6 hr round trip as she won’t meet halfway) but husband said I’d need to meet halfway. I asked seeing I’m up early with our daughter and with her all day whether he would ask mum if she’d be willing to drive down to us on the Friday evening and I’d meet halfway on the Sunday. Husband went into a right huff and said he couldn’t ask that as she’d give him grief and wouldn’t do it. I just said given the situation of being in hospital, couldn’t he at least ask but he said no.

I have no issue helping where I can but I suppose I’m annoyed that there’s been no consideration on the impact to me and he’s not even willing to have a conversation with his ex-wife. Given he has to do a 6hr round trip, I’m unsure why we’d even be in the wrong to ask. She sleeps in late and doesn’t work so has no ties whereas I’m up very early, will have done a working week and will have a toddler all day and then expected to do a 3hr drive (think I’m also getting old as really hate driving in the dark too haha).

Am I in the wrong? He says we’re clearly not a team and I don’t want him to think that but I guess I’m feeling put out that we’re constantly inconvenienced and treading on egg shells when his ex-wife treats him appallingly and step son never even wants to come!

Sorry OP I think YABU. Your SS is hardly ever with you and it’s hard for him to visit and you don’t want to help your OH see his son.

Yiu are thinking about yourself and not your OH or SS - I agree with your husband .

Who moved? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to do 12 hours driving in a weekend as it’s not your responsibility. Unless you and your husband moved away from him in which case it’s probably fair enough that you both do all the running. He shouldn’t be volunteering you though.

Can he get a train or coach part of the way? Could your husband travel up to him and stay in a hotel?

I’ve noticed on these threads, it’s always mentioned that the ex doesn’t ever work and seems lazy and I wonder how true this actually is.

I agree with the previous poster. I understand that it’s a long drive and I don’t like driving in the dark either, and yes your DH should have asked! However in this situation I hope I’d be willing to step in and help, given that your DH hasn’t seen his son in a long time.

But also, can’t your husband get up with your DD or have her during the day? Why is this all on you?

Ex-wife did. They’ve been divorced about 13 years and my husband has done the 6 hr drive every weekend that was agreed (unless SS cancelled).

not sure he’d be willing to do coach, train etc. I’m all for helping maintain contact but I’m unsure why the ex-wife can’t be asked to help so we can get an arrangement in place.

she 100% doesn’t work and hasn’t for over 2 years but I obviously can’t speak for others who say the same about exes! :)

He’ll be wfh and never hears her so I’m always the one with her. Tbf that’s probably part of my resistance that everything falls on me and expectation is so high so when things like this happen and I’m like great just add more to my plate!

Yes sorry but I agree. You married a man with a child that for whatever reason he hasn't seen in a while. He's incapacitated so you should help out

I also agree that in this situation I would just do it. It’s a one off and your husband hasn’t been well and hasn’t seen his son for a while so I would just support my DH. Also, sounds like ex is meeting part way so has been some consideration to the effort being shared. I would just do this. It’s once a month he comes and likely your DH will be able to drive next time. Why make such issues over a one off. If your DH is able to help out with your 1 year old the days you are driving then make that part of the compromise but I absolutely wouldn’t be doing anything to obstruct the visit

It’s not up to you to be inconvenienced. YANBU to say no.

As a one off because he’s medically unwell I’d do it.

If she hasn’t worked in two years she probably can’t afford to “waste” a tank of petrol driving for six hours.

She chooses not to work as like she said, she makes more money from benefits

Thank you for your reply. I’m definitely not trying to obstruct visiting but I don’t think it will be a one off and could be for a couple of months, hence why I wanted him to speak to his ex to see how we can make the arrangement work for both sides. Also she hasn’t agreed to meet halfway and ignored his message for over a week so I’m not sure if the expectation will be I need to do a 6 hr round trip and not even halfway as she won’t usually agree to meet half way. My husband has driven 3hrs up there before and both his ex and son have been asleep and he’s waited hours and no one has come out the house and he’s had to drive home as couldn’t get hold of anyone, and sometimes step son has refused to come even though he’s driven all that way, so things aren’t simple.

At 15, he could catch a train.

If it was a one-off I wouldn’t be questioning it all (I’d still be wondering why I wasn’t at least asked out of politeness) but it could be for months.

What would he do if he didn’t have you? He can do that.

Perhaps, but that doesn’t negate my point that she probably can’t afford a tank of petrol.

If that’s the case then he has to find a solutions.

As long as I didn’t have to have the 1 year old in the car with me as well, i’d do this. I often do long drives to see my own family though.

Sounds like it is generally shit for your SS being in between 2 fighting parents.

As a PP also suggested, i was going to ask if there was a possibility he could get the train part way and you pick him up from a station.

Trust me she can. Her take home pay is more than ours with two people working

Sounds like you really don’t want to do it and I would question why. Your OP says he comes once a month so not exactly a regular thing even if your DH can’t drive for a couple of months. As I said, I would do this without question in my relationship, but I’m getting the vibe that there is some resentment in yours hence you digging your heels in over this. Maybe that’s the issue you need to explore with your DH

Thank you. Potentially! My original query still stands with him of why he’s unable to have a conversation with his ex-wife and find some sensible solution if it does become long term. I don’t believe you can co-parent if you don’t speak to each other about anything related to the child which is what happens.

Because he has you, and it’s easier to lean on you than have a conversation with her. This is the step parent bonus, standing in so the parents don’t have to do things they don’t want to, and a hefty dose of emotional blackmail/guilt if you push back

Are you concerned if this is precedent setting? I can see why you have some reservations but he's 15, so I can't see this arrangement happening for much longer.

YANBU!!!

amd I’m amazed more people do not think so. You didn’t sign up for 6 hr schleps. You’re doing all the work for a 1 yr old.

He needs to man up and have the conversation with his ex about meeting half way and / or the child needs to be asked if he can’t do some train or coach element too

BINGO!