Is it me?

[Nightsparkle]

I need some guidance on whether I’m being completely unreasonable or my husband is. For context my step son is 15 and lives 3 hours away and we have a 1 year old together. Step son doesn’t want to come and visit us often (long story but he’s of that age, his mum also has turned him against us and uses our house as a punishment option when she’s had enough to him). He’s supposed to come every 4 weeks but mostly cancels as his mum says it’s fine for him to stay at home and then when he’s naughty, we usually get a call saying she wants him gone.

we’ve not seen him over Christmas as he didn’t want to visit and my husband missed one visit as he was in hospital for 2 weeks. He now can’t drive for a while so got into a conversation earlier about how step son might come down next weekend. Without even asking me it was assumed I’d do pick up and drop off which would be pick up late friday night and drop off Sunday evening. Theres been no mention of me driving the whole way (mum makes my husband do a 6 hr round trip as she won’t meet halfway) but husband said I’d need to meet halfway. I asked seeing I’m up early with our daughter and with her all day whether he would ask mum if she’d be willing to drive down to us on the Friday evening and I’d meet halfway on the Sunday. Husband went into a right huff and said he couldn’t ask that as she’d give him grief and wouldn’t do it. I just said given the situation of being in hospital, couldn’t he at least ask but he said no.

I have no issue helping where I can but I suppose I’m annoyed that there’s been no consideration on the impact to me and he’s not even willing to have a conversation with his ex-wife. Given he has to do a 6hr round trip, I’m unsure why we’d even be in the wrong to ask. She sleeps in late and doesn’t work so has no ties whereas I’m up very early, will have done a working week and will have a toddler all day and then expected to do a 3hr drive (think I’m also getting old as really hate driving in the dark too haha).

Am I in the wrong? He says we’re clearly not a team and I don’t want him to think that but I guess I’m feeling put out that we’re constantly inconvenienced and treading on egg shells when his ex-wife treats him appallingly and step son never even wants to come!

Is your 1 year old ok in the car seat op? My 13 month old is awful.. just yells and makes it nightmare journey… if you don’t have one like mine perhaps time it around naps? So atleast the little one isn’t bored.

I do feel for you but I am in the camp of if you married a man with baggage, you inevitably chose to help him carry it!

Unfortunately, I don't think there's an easy solution, OP. I can understand why you don't want to do such a long drive (I don't know why your DH ever agreed to that situation in the first place), especially it was just assumed you'd do it, but I can also imagine myself as your DH - if I hardly ever saw my son and the relationship was difficult, I'd suck it up and drive for hours because I'd be so desparate not to lose what little contact I did have with my child.

It's easy to say the child should be getting public transport (I agree, but they should have been taught more independence at an earlier age), but if they're already in a mind set where they're not that fussed about coming, this will be an added reason they 'can't be bothered' and will stay home.

A few months isn't actually that long for you to support your DH with this - even if you disagree with his approach and he's being a dick not even ask his ex-wife to meet half way - especially if the child only comes once a month. I'd be worried after 2-3 months that it was now seen as your 'job' to do the driving, but I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. In short, I'd support your DH now, although don't put yourself at risk to do so (ie. if you're so tired that driving at night is risky, say pick ups have to happen earlier in the day). I'd also encourage your DH to improve the relationship with his son. Is the son into gaming? Can they play together online, so at least they are interacting with one another?

He needs to take a train or coach for most of the way. Why wouldn’t he?

I’d say “No, I will drive half way, or I’ll go to X to pick him up from station. (His mother can take him to train/bus station)
I’m not driving all the way for potentially, no-one to come out of the house, to sit in sullen silence with a kid who doesn’t want to be there, particularly with Me, not You.
This could potentially happen again. I’m prepared to help, but not replace, your parental responsibilities.
& while we’re at it, I need to be in the loop, I need to be asked if I’m willing & able to fo stuff, & not just be given an ultimatum.”

God forbid a woman think of herself for once.

I thought it was quite clear but there is a theme in these threads and it’s always a lazy and feckless mother who doesn’t work, gets a fortune in benefits, has no boundaries etc. I’m not the only one to have noticed.

You are not unreasonable to say no, especially given this could go on for months. I'd be willing to help out, but not drive hours. With a DH who is laid up with medical issues, that already increases your load, you have a young child, you work full time.

The son could take a bus or train at least most of the way. If he chooses not to, that's up to him. The mother could drive him to you for a bit. If she chooses not to, that's up to her. Why are you the one that has to facilitate everyone else's making convenient choices for them at your expense?

My DH went through a phase where he wasn't allowed to drive for medical reasons. I started out with driving him but ultimately had to tell him he had to work out some public transport for some things. It's actually quite hard work being the only driver in the house and everyone around you expecting nothing to change for them by putting it all on you.

YANBU. I wouldn’t do a 6 hour round trip to pick up someone else’s child after working all week and then do it again on Sunday before starting another week.

Well if the mother is really earning more in benefits than working, she either has a disability or younger children, or both. So possibly a reason she can’t drive for 6 hours?

And as others have said, 15 is old enough to get on a train. If he can’t be arsed, leave him to it. He’s old enough to decide for himself whether he wants to visit or not.

Sadly I've known a few of these parents over the years.

Unused to drive my friend and her husband to be to pick up his children from previous, 45 minutes away (they paid me petrol money). His ex is very much like how the ex in the OP is.
Would use the kids as pawns, got a shit load of money on benefits (nothing against benefits here) and didn't do much apart from fuck her kids heads up with new boyfriends and stuff like that.

Are people missing that OP isn’t being asked to do the six hour trip? She’s been asking to meet with ex wife half way, so a three hour round trip for both of them

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be doing the drive. Surely it can wait until DH is better and able to do it. I know what it’s like with a small child and wouldn’t have the energy or be safe to drive after interrupted sleep.

Did he try and stop ex moving 3 hours away?

YANBU

This is a 15yo lad. Why don't you all stop treating him like an idiot or a toddler, and let him catch a train?

It would be a bit of an adventure for him, something he and his dad could plan together and you could collect from the nearest station.

This. Its ridiculous to ask you to pick up and drop off a 15 year old.

Came back to add : Op has work, sick husband, and toddler to deal with. I don’t see where she has an extra three to six hours of drive time in her weekend. If the ex wife has (hypothetical) other child issues and can’t drie her son for that reason why don’t those same rules apply to OP?

• DH expected and didn’t ask or acknowledge the impact for you.
• He can’t look after your DD adequately when you’re not there.
• He can’t get a response from his ex on the plans.
• You may drive all the way there and they don't answer the door or SS refuses to come.
• When SS is with you he sits in his room the whole time.

I have no doubt you would help if things were different but the poor communication about picking SS up makes this impossible. There is no way I would be driving three hours to find SS is not there or won’t come.

I think your DH should get the train and a B&B and spend the 1:1 time in his son’s town.

I think at the heart of this there is not a lot of co-parenting going on either with the SS or DD.
Your husband has opted to do the run every time because it is something he feels he can do- expecting you to automatically pick up the slack because of his lack of parenting skills is unreasonable.
You should talk , he should be more involved in the care of DD.
The pattern is set with SS but there is no reason why his ex-wife should not be asked to put a little effort in- if she refuses then it is clear to SS what her stance is, as he seems to have been excepting her version of events a little too much.
I find it hard to believe she can be richer on benefits if she has no health issues-particularly if she gets reasonable maintenance for SS, as this is considered as incomings.

I totally agree about lack of co-parenting as I’ve said it for years. You can’t co-parent if neither of you speak to each other in my opinion.

husband does the drive as he wouldn’t see his son otherwise. He doesn’t enjoy doing it and I worry about him sometimes as he’s had to do it after long days at work (he has an 1.5 hour commute both ways) and when he’s been ill but ex will never meet halfway.

Maintenance for SS is very good due to DH’s job and it’s my understanding that the CSA don’t take any benefit earnings into consideration as it’s just the paying parent whose earnings are assessed. Ex doesn’t have a disability. I’ve no idea how earnings are higher but she’s always been very proud of it (hence why we’re aware of figures) but it’s just the way it is!

Thanks to everyone for your advice and opinions. It’s much appreciated. Definitely a real mix of view point but has all been helpful for me.

small update. DH got a message yesterday saying SS was due this weekend and he replied saying he still wasn’t driving and SS had said he was coming next weekend as he’d finally got him on the phone the day before so he was confused by the message as SS had said mum was aware and agreed it. Took till the evening to get a response to say he needed to come to us and I’d have to drive all the way as she wasn’t willing to meet. Needless to say I said I wasn’t willing to do a 6hr journey especially so late in the evening meaning we wouldn’t get back till midnight so DH asked if next weekend was a possibility and he’d ask me if I’d go halfway to help and he got no response! So guess we see what next weekend brings.

There really aren't that many ways you can get higher benefit earnings- so there is something she is not saying.
She doesn't have to meet halfway, but if she doesn't work I don't see why DH can't have the conversation- he can't expect so much of you, just so he doesn't have to tackle this with his ex,
There is no reason why your husband seeing your SS can't be less frequent if the drive is onerous- there is no reason why you have to take him just because the ex is sick of him- he needs to be less of a doormat with his ex.

Can DH not use public transport to see DSS? Assuming you would take and collect from nearest train station and his ex did the same at the other end.

I wouldn’t be driving half way. She won’t do it on the way back…you will be stuck with the whole journey

That option was never mentioned but I agree it’s an option.

ah yes that was a concern in my head too. Also we’ve had occasions where she’s just said she won’t take him back and he needs to stay with us for a week or longer, so even if my DH has started to drive up there or been outside the house and she won’t let him back in. So
many worries and probably making it worse in my head but that’s only because some of the things she’s done in the past so it could happen.

i get why it is frustrating, but i think you need to put yourself out here. it’s not a regular thing and you would take pressure off your husband.