Is it me?

[Nightsparkle]

I need some guidance on whether I’m being completely unreasonable or my husband is. For context my step son is 15 and lives 3 hours away and we have a 1 year old together. Step son doesn’t want to come and visit us often (long story but he’s of that age, his mum also has turned him against us and uses our house as a punishment option when she’s had enough to him). He’s supposed to come every 4 weeks but mostly cancels as his mum says it’s fine for him to stay at home and then when he’s naughty, we usually get a call saying she wants him gone.

we’ve not seen him over Christmas as he didn’t want to visit and my husband missed one visit as he was in hospital for 2 weeks. He now can’t drive for a while so got into a conversation earlier about how step son might come down next weekend. Without even asking me it was assumed I’d do pick up and drop off which would be pick up late friday night and drop off Sunday evening. Theres been no mention of me driving the whole way (mum makes my husband do a 6 hr round trip as she won’t meet halfway) but husband said I’d need to meet halfway. I asked seeing I’m up early with our daughter and with her all day whether he would ask mum if she’d be willing to drive down to us on the Friday evening and I’d meet halfway on the Sunday. Husband went into a right huff and said he couldn’t ask that as she’d give him grief and wouldn’t do it. I just said given the situation of being in hospital, couldn’t he at least ask but he said no.

I have no issue helping where I can but I suppose I’m annoyed that there’s been no consideration on the impact to me and he’s not even willing to have a conversation with his ex-wife. Given he has to do a 6hr round trip, I’m unsure why we’d even be in the wrong to ask. She sleeps in late and doesn’t work so has no ties whereas I’m up very early, will have done a working week and will have a toddler all day and then expected to do a 3hr drive (think I’m also getting old as really hate driving in the dark too haha).

Am I in the wrong? He says we’re clearly not a team and I don’t want him to think that but I guess I’m feeling put out that we’re constantly inconvenienced and treading on egg shells when his ex-wife treats him appallingly and step son never even wants to come!

Husband needs to get the train up to get his son and bring him back and same on the return.

one weekend a month is absolutly nothing. I’m not suprised his ex doesn’t want to do any driving when for years your husband hasn’t done any school runs, after school activities, tea times in the week, having his son over on a random weekday to go to the park or something. Nope nope nope. This is on your husband

A prince among men!

Seriously he wants you to drive 12 hours in a weekend to see to his son but he won't even come down the fucking stairs to look after his daughter?

What the fuck?

Ah yes the guilt and blackmail hits hard! And also the classic I want you involved but if you have a difference of opinion or you say what they don’t want to hear but they agree and suddenly they don’t want to know or you be part of decisions

Not every family co-parents unfortunately. We have to parallel parent with a HCBM. We wouldn’t ask her any favours certainly as not worth the backlash we would get, that would also affect the kids, so I can understand his feelings on that one.

yes potentially and ex is very unreasonable and I don’t understand why there’s never any flex our side when we do all we can to try and make it work

You are being reasonable. I was in your Husband's shoes and just dreaded getting into it with her at all (my ex).

My advice is you make decision and stop having a discussion with your Husband. Tell him what you'll be happy to do, and it's up to her if she wants to meet you halfway.

The mistake is to frame it as anything other than a decision made, to justify it, don't. Just say what you're willing to do and if the ex wants to meet you there then you'll do it.

Having been in your Husband's shoes it's the uncertainty I hated most. Which is why he's prob insisting he won't ask because it creates more uncertainty. So just be clear and certain what you will do on your end and she down other possibilities. You are the good guy in this scenario! I was incredibly grateful when my Wife helped out. I'm sure he will be too.

He didn’t even ask you nicely and acknowledge what a massive ask it is. On that basis I’d say no. You’re not his staff. He needs to do whatever he’d do if you couldn’t drive or he was single. If he carries on being selfish he might end up single so needs to organise his life accordingly.

Yes, all of this. Just make plans and be out, it’s his problem to solve. The assumption that you’ll do it (that you should somehow be delighted and privilege to be asked expected) was what used to grate on me the most. When really it’s a massive inconvenience, and he should be massively grateful and appreciative when he asks.

With all due respect, my husband didn’t ask her to live so far away so not sure how he’s supposed to do school runs etc. when SS was in school (mum pulled him out 2.5 years ago), he constantly went up for appts with them when he was getting into trouble, even when it caused issues at my husbands work as with driving he was off work a full day. My husband could have done more (certainly with putting rules and discipline in he lacks at his main home) but I would stand up for him that he’s done what he can from a distance.

Only because his mum doesn’t have rules or discipline so if we ask him to help us, not vape in the house, not be on the phone loudly until 3am - we’re seen as the bad guys. Also when he’s naughty she tells him he has to stay with us - that’s making it a punishment and consequence of his actions.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I just couldn’t do that though as I’d have so much guilt. Resentment does come in with everything I’ve had to put up with and still here and it’s just never enough.

I’d do it without the 1yr old, music on, stop for coffee, I find driving relaxing though. Totally get the driving in the dark so leave early Sunday to minimise time doing so. You might find it’s beneficial to have DH engage more with little one.
And look at train/bus timetables going forward.

But it is a unique situation. He’s not asking you to do it every week forever. I agree with him that you’re not being a team player and supporting your DH. Although I do think SS could get a train/coach.

Sorry but i wouldn't be doing it, especially not if an assumption was made. If he had asked nicely and recognised that you were doing something he ought to do under normal circumstances then i might. But i wouldn't be impressed with him refusing to ask the mum to meet half way - just because she won't lime it? No, no yanbu.

I have been in a similar situation myself. My DH doesn’t drive and neither does his exw. I was doing all the driving to collect dad and take him back home. It meant missing out on time with my own dc and it eventually led to a lot of resentment and me burning out. I told dh I needed to step back from that and he’s now responsible for all pick ups and drop offs. It means he’s out of the house all day just to do that but at the end of the day it’s his child so I do believe the responsibility falls on him.
As a one off over Xmas I did do the pick up and drop off as public services were limited.
Your dh should have had the basic decency to have discussed this all with you. He also should be willing to discuss it with his exw to come up with an arrangement that suits everyone involved.

Then tell the lazy woman to drive. You are working and have a toddler. I'm a sahm so not working- I always make an effort to take other kids/meet up/whatever because I know I'm priviliged in not having to work (dh does-no benefits😅).

YANBU !!!

I think I would agree to meet halfway on the Saturday morning, as a one off. I wouldn’t be doing it on Friday night, for the reasons you’ve stated

i understand your DH’s reluctance to ask ex. If she’s just going to say no anyway then it’s just another stick to beat him with

You could ask for her number and discuss with her directly though. Maybe she’d be more reasonable with you?

With all due respect you or your DH are probably not in the best situation to bring up the lack of discipline etc in SS home when his mother has raised him. Yes she moved away but facts are your DH has done less than the bare minimum surely he can get the train up and get SS and come back with him if you don’t want to do it? It’s his responsibility not yours. On the other hand you could do it being as it’s Christmas and because your barely see him but that’s up to you and you alone.

If I was happy in the relationship and DP treated me well, I would do it. Even then, I wouldn’t be comfortable if it was expected rather than appreciated.

However, in your place, I’d only be willing to meet the exW halfway. I have little tolerance for people who take advantage of others and expect to be catered to without putting in any effort themselves. From what you describe, she seems to fit that pattern. I wouldn’t go out of my way for someone like that.

You seem to know a lot about mum's financial status, good old MN:

On Benefits ✅
Mum moved away ✅
Doesn't discipline ✅

Yet of course dad is some sort of prince amongst men in your eyes...

Not at all! I know what she’s openly said and how SS is and how he’s been raised. She’s very open about the fact she has no rules or discipline. My DH is also responsible for how things have turned out as well as I believe he could and should have done more. The facts are the facts though and sadly there put people out there that are like this and the kids have suffered because of this.

I wouldn't be getting involved with the transport arrangements, other than maybe picking him up from the station. If the child's parents want him to be at your house, it's up to them to arrange the logistics between them.

Yes that sums it up well. I could write a book on so many examples but way too much for here so I totally get why some people don’t agree with my post but I can’t give all the context or information.