Is it me?

[Nightsparkle]

I need some guidance on whether I’m being completely unreasonable or my husband is. For context my step son is 15 and lives 3 hours away and we have a 1 year old together. Step son doesn’t want to come and visit us often (long story but he’s of that age, his mum also has turned him against us and uses our house as a punishment option when she’s had enough to him). He’s supposed to come every 4 weeks but mostly cancels as his mum says it’s fine for him to stay at home and then when he’s naughty, we usually get a call saying she wants him gone.

we’ve not seen him over Christmas as he didn’t want to visit and my husband missed one visit as he was in hospital for 2 weeks. He now can’t drive for a while so got into a conversation earlier about how step son might come down next weekend. Without even asking me it was assumed I’d do pick up and drop off which would be pick up late friday night and drop off Sunday evening. Theres been no mention of me driving the whole way (mum makes my husband do a 6 hr round trip as she won’t meet halfway) but husband said I’d need to meet halfway. I asked seeing I’m up early with our daughter and with her all day whether he would ask mum if she’d be willing to drive down to us on the Friday evening and I’d meet halfway on the Sunday. Husband went into a right huff and said he couldn’t ask that as she’d give him grief and wouldn’t do it. I just said given the situation of being in hospital, couldn’t he at least ask but he said no.

I have no issue helping where I can but I suppose I’m annoyed that there’s been no consideration on the impact to me and he’s not even willing to have a conversation with his ex-wife. Given he has to do a 6hr round trip, I’m unsure why we’d even be in the wrong to ask. She sleeps in late and doesn’t work so has no ties whereas I’m up very early, will have done a working week and will have a toddler all day and then expected to do a 3hr drive (think I’m also getting old as really hate driving in the dark too haha).

Am I in the wrong? He says we’re clearly not a team and I don’t want him to think that but I guess I’m feeling put out that we’re constantly inconvenienced and treading on egg shells when his ex-wife treats him appallingly and step son never even wants to come!

I did think of a Saturday morning but it doesn’t give husband a lot of time with SS, though when he’s here he doesn’t speak to us and sit in his room but it still isn’t a lot of time.

I would 100% welcome the opportunity to discuss directly but I can’t see it happening! Good idea though so one I can suggest

The joys of getting involved with people who already have children, you have to do things that you wouldn’t choose to do, but because the child came before you you have to.

You don't have to do it. SS sounds like he's a bit unreasonable but he's a teenager. Your DH ex sounds like a complete nightmare and completely unreasonable.

At 15 i would be expecting him to get the train or bus - no one should be driving 6 hrs round trip to get him. Buy him an e-ticket and let him travel himself then pick him up at the station.

Can't believe some of the answers on this thread. There must be a lot of single Ex's with a bit of resentment on here hahahaha...

Yes definitely unreasonable and I feel I’m always in the middle trying to come up with solutions which work for both camps but will never be considered. We either suffer or she makes our lives unbearable. It’s not a way I like to live and appreciate not everyone on this post agrees but I don’t think she should be able to always call the shots just because they’ve got a child together. But it’s good to hear different views as that’s why I put the post on as was despairing a bit and needed to hear both sides!

If your dh works from home, he could work anywhere, so why wouldn’t he have moved to be with his son? I find that really baffling, I would never be 3 hours away from my children if I didn’t have to be.

but also, reading between the lines in the info given - more income in benefits, not being in school, appointments, she gave up work 2 years ago, not able to get a train - would the other pov be a child with disabilities who has struggled massively at school and so his mother has given up work to home school?

From secondary school my 3 dc use public transport mostly between the 2 houses...
If you end up doing the drive leave the baby with dh.

I would do it, as I look at my step children like my own and I would do it for my own, lots of people look at step children like a hindrance and other them which is what causes resentment and upset.

It’s only his latest job which is wfh. I wasn’t in the picture then so can’t speak for him but I guess you can also flip it of why did she move 3 hours away. Works both ways I guess if we’re being fair. But I get you, I couldn’t live 3 hours away from my daughter but sometimes for different reasons people don’t have a choice.

He’s not home schooled no. He’s had zero education in 2.5 years. That’s not a decision we’ve supported but it’s out of our hands.

I’ve always treated him as my own but then been told I overstepped. I’ve dealt with verbal attacks and threats of physical on my husband when I was heavily pregnant from my SS but still tried. I think most step parents will try and treat kids equally but I think deep down if everyone was honest, you do treat your own child differently - especially when you have a say over how 1 child is brought up and not the other. A lot of step parents are in a position where they have no impact on the child’s life as decisions are out of their hands.

It is up to you to support your husband while he is unable to drive, not his ex wife. He needs your help so that he can see his son, which is a big deal, and you are basically saying that his contact with his son is not important enough for you to bother going out of your way. It might be inconvenient for you, but you either value your husband’s relationship with his son or you don’t. Your baby is not more important that his15 year old.

“Your baby is not more important that his15 year old.”

To her they are. And he husband can take the train.

YANBU. It’s not your child. It’s theirs. They need to sort it out themselves and your husband needs to man up and say something to his ex.

YABU if he asked you and you said no, but that’s not the case!

My child is equally as important as my SS.

I’d do it but on my terms, I wouldn’t drive in the dark as hate that too - I’d go Saturday morning and ask for mom to meet half way. Don’t ask your husband if he minds speaking to ex wife, say ok I will pick him up but it will be Saturday morning so I’m not driving in the dark, suggest to ex that we meet on Sainsbury’s here at x time. Etc etc

Thats the problem with step families. In one household, some children are considered more important than others, then the adults that chose the situation wonder why teenagers have behaviour problems and without consideration of the contribution to the problem their own actions had, they automatically blame the ex.

His child. His problem. Not OP’s responsibility.

thank you. I guess this was more my point of my OP about having options rather than being told what I had to do and also seeing if we could get some sort of compromise from his ex. I’ve not said I won’t do it but would nice to be asked and also asked what would work best for me after a long day. There’s still a chance she won’t agree to half way and will expect me to drive 6hr round trip both evenings.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Contact arrangements for SS should be between his father and mother. I wouldn't want to drive for 3 hours in the dark. I understand his father is unable to drive for a while. Why can't he travel by train he is old enough. Stand firm OP.

Children are the most important to their own parents. They are not the most important to anyone else. Being part of a split up/blended family does not change this.

I'd look at where closer is easier for him to get to on public trabsport - coach or train station up to an hour away (it could be a big difference in how long it would take him to come the whole way if there's a change over for example)

What point are you trying to make?

OP I would say no too, if SS wants to see his Father then that is up to him and his Mother to work out. Not sure whether she can afford a tank of fuel is at all relevant to you.

Just tell your husband to collect him for a visit when he’s well again. I hate driving in the dark too and always have. I bet the SS doesn’t want to come anyway.

Such a horrible way of approaching life with a stepchild.

It sounds like a sensible solution to me. Yes your DH has to do six hour round trips but he has very minimal time with his son, his ex is doing a hell of a lot there. If it was every weekend I’d get why you wouldn’t do it but this is your step child and by the sound of it it will just be twice, separated by four other weeks

I’m aghast that people think it’s respectful and ok

to not be asked (that’s what a real team is)

and that husband is creeping round ex wife and wants you to as well instead of having appropriate boundaries