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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My DH and DD don't get on and it's hurting our family

166 replies

firelandmumma · 20/12/2025 19:45

NC for this, long time MN-er!

For context: DD is 8.5 and I split with her dad when she was a baby. We ended things very amicably and have a brilliant co-parenting relationship, we are close friends, consult each other on all parenting decisions. We have her each half the week - 2.5 days here, 2.5 days at his, alternate weekends. Have done this since she was about 2. She has great relationships with me and her dad and apart from general sassiness and boundary testing, I'd say we are close.

Have long suspected DD is autistic and she is on the waiting list for assessment. Won't go into all the symptoms but one important one is that she is not a touchy person at all. The only people she will touch at all are me, her dad and one grandparent. She doesn't hug or hold hands, would absolutely never kiss any other relative and never has, even those she's very close to.

I met DH when she was 2y 10m old. We took things slowly initially and then he moved in during one of the covid lockdowns. I think he found it unusual even after we'd been together a few years when DD would never give him a bedtime hug or let him read to her etc, but never really questioned it and didn't try to force it. He tried to bond by playing games and play fighting and doing other funny things. As she got older, these behaviors heightened. She refused to let him take her to school (although we have moved past this now) and says 'i just want mummy'. For a while I pandered to it but it seemed to make it worse. Won't drink a drink he's made her, won't let him even pass her things.

Fast forward to today. She's 8.5, has two little sisters aged 3 and 1.

Whenever DD8 is her, she argues with DH non stop. It's just constant. She refuses to call him by his nickname (which is his established name, think Sam and Samuel) and only calls him by his full name which he hates. She speaks to him in this rude arrogant tone. If he speaks to her 'have you had a good day at school DD8?' she either completely blanks him or says 'yes I have, mummy'. At night time we will go to say good night to her and she goes 'night love you mummy' and he will say 'night DD8' - again, she blanks him. Sometimes if I prompt her, she will then go 'oh, night' to him.

Recently the behaviours have intensified and she's started hitting him, which her sisters have started copying. We are not a violent family at all, aside from play fighting and messing about. Earlier, DH asked DD to please move out of the way as he was trying to clean her room up. She replied 'no' and he said 'DD, I need to sort this stuff, and I can't if you're there' to which she just turned around and tried to kick him. He then walked into me and said he's done, she's a brat and he can't deal with it anymore.

Little 2 asleep so I have come into the bathroom, locked the door and told them I'm not speaking to either of them until they grow up and sort it out because it's upsetting me.

This is daily for YEARS. I just don't know what to do.

Obviously I've had many, many conversations with DD about this and why she doesn't like him, she just says 'i just don't he's DD3/1's dad not mine' or 'i don't know' or 'he's annoying'.

On occasions they're alone together when I've sent them on bonding exercises, they've actually got a long really well, especially if they do sports. But it's so short lived and usually ends the moment I'm back in the room.

Has anyone, anyone experienced this and have any advice?

I love my DH. I love my DD8. I'm worried about the impact on my other DDs and the family as a whole.

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 21/12/2025 00:26

As for telling her you don’t do anything with her siblings when they’re not around, this is giving her power over the family, especially when not doing much when she’s around.

It’s not giving the DD power because she doesn’t choose to not be around, and she isn’t the one who chose to invoke this rule on her younger siblings. OP could do fun stuff with the other kids while the DD is at her dad’s, nothing is preventing her from doing so. The DD has to go every 2.5days to her dad’s. She has no say- that decision was between OP and her ex.

This is imho putting a burden of guilt on the DD by saying we can’t do anything fun when you’re at your dad’s. So DD can’t even enjoy being at her Dads without thinking about her siblings perhaps resenting her because they’re stuck doing nothing.

PlateyKatey · 21/12/2025 00:33

BakeOffRewatch · 20/12/2025 20:27

”I met DH when she was 2y 10m old. We took things slowly initially and then he moved in during one of the covid lockdowns.”

You might have fudged the details for anonymity, please don’t feel you have to share details. But if this but is accurate, then that’s not slow. You met him 5y8m ago, so early 2020 and then he moved in late 2020? And at that age the pandemic would have changed her whole social experience of the world at the same time. It’s obviously too late to say to take it slower, but it may be worth thinking about other things you might have minimised that will be a really big deal to your daughter. In her short 8 years, she’s had parents split up at 2yo, a new adult move in at 3yo, a new sibling at 5yo and 7yo. That’s a lot of change. Without making it about SEN, there’s a lot to consider there for her. Switching homes every 2.5 days can also be exhausting and destabilising and she’s been doing it since 2yo. I feel like this is all a lot on a little kid.

Edited
Show quote history

This.
Your poor dd is being pushed beyond her limits with no respite.
You say she’s likely autistic, yet you’ve rushed a new man in her life, new siblings, pushing a relationship with her stepdad which she’s not happy about, she has constant upheaval every 2.5 days, she doesn’t have privacy in her own room. The poor girl!

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 21/12/2025 00:36

@selffellatingouroborosofhate
fantastic post with the best advice on here.
also I admire your strength for surviving an awful childhood with SA.

Namechangerage · 21/12/2025 00:40

Sorry but you moved a man in while you had a what, 3 or 4 year old? And although she was clearly uncertain of him, not “hugging him goodnight” etc, he tries (checks notes) “play fighting” to bond. Red flag… THEN you have two more kids while she is still in this uncomfortable and uncertain state. Because your happiness and more kids is more important to you in that moment.

He really found it unusual that a 3 or 4 year old didn’t want to hug a strange man that suddenly moved in to her home??

I do really feel for your DD and I hope she gets support she needs from somewhere.

bridezillaincoming · 21/12/2025 00:42

MissJoGrant · 20/12/2025 20:16

Saying 'you two sort it out' as if they're equal, is completely out of order. I think you need to support your husband more and your daughter needs some consequences.

This! Your poor dh!

Namechangerage · 21/12/2025 00:46

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 00:10

I'm autistic. Having my mum move a strange man in when I was a teen was very stressful and contributed to me ending up under CAMHS and leaving home whilst still at sixth form. Your DD is much younger, will have even less autonomy and even less ability to articulate her emotions. It will be worse for her than it was for me. I pity her.

@andIsaid assessed it well: "As such, she is under pressure to make sure that you, the adult, is ok with your guy, someone she does not want." She is a child and at some level she knows that the only reason why she gets to eat, drink, be alive is because you permit it. She's under huge pressure to pretend to be happy with a situation that she has no control over because her continued life depends on it. She's not happy about your DH moving in, she has to fake being OK as best as she can because, from her perspective, you could lock her in her room and starve her to death, and you put her in this position by moving a strange man in.

Respect her boundaries

  • She doesn't like being touched by him, so he doesn't touch her unless she invites him too, ever, starting now. Playfighting is the worst thing he can do. It shows a total disrespect for her body and boundaries. It's also terrifiying to have a grown man who could kill you with his strength decide to start jabbing at you.
  • His stuff leaves her room tomorrow. Two of these Vuku wardrobes and a Skugg hanging shelf in one of them should hold a day-to-day collection of his clothes. Any overspill, you retrieve it when he needs it.
  • At eight, she may already be starting puberty. She needs privacy from unrelated men at this point and she won't be able to articulate that that's what she needs and why. It's literally not possible for me to sufficiently emphasise this point.

Understand that she's emotionally immature and at risk of sexual abuse

  • An autistic child's emotional development can be delayed by up to one-third of her age.
  • Alexithymia is very common in autism. It is the inability to identify and name one's own emotions. When she says that he "annoys" her, she might not mean "annoy" but she doesn't know a more suitable word to use. It took me until I was in my forties, with autism-specific coaching, to realise that when I feel angry, it's usually because I'm scared. Until my forties, with coaching. This girl's eight.
  • The delay in emotional development makes her very vulnerable to sexual abuse, nearly three times more likely to be victimised than her peers with a 90% lifetime victimisation rate. She may already have been touched inappropriately, for example, at school, and not be able to articulate what has happened to her. I was her age when I was SAed for the first time, didn't tell a soul until I was 20. Even if she hasn't yet, she will instinctively know that men and boys who aren't daddy pose a risk to her. From her perspective, you've moved a potential molester into her house. This is why he starts completely and absolutely respecting her boundaries, as of now.
  • When she lashes out, she's trying to tell you something that she might not have words for. When you ask her what's wrong, she still doesn't have the words and she feels put on the spot. That's why she said that you were annoying her. What might help is making cards with emojis and names of feelings on so that she can pick the most appropriate cards.
  • Watch out for signs of her DF spousifying her. Spousification is when a separated parent treats the oldest child as a surrogate partner, dumping emotional crap on them that the child is too young to understand or cope with. Combined with DD1's autistic emotional immaturity, this is a toxic behaviour. It's confusing for the child because they feel trusted and valued by the parent oversharing in this way, but at the same time they cannot handle the material.

Reconsider how you treat the other DDs

  • It strikes me as highly unfair that the other DDs get to sit on their hands whilst DD1 is with her DF. But, that conversation, about how she gets to do things with her daddy so her half-sisters should be allowed to do things with their daddy too, can only happen once DD1's boundaries are consistently respected and she feels safe in her home. If you don't deal with this, you'll have to deal with the younger girls resenting their half-sister down the line.

Ultimately, you made a huge mistake moving this man in, but it's done and there are half-siblings now, so you get to somehow deal with it. Good luck.

Agree 💯

Namechangerage · 21/12/2025 00:48

The more I think about it op the more I think you have really fucked up here. But without a Time Machine to stop you moving him in too quickly and having more kids, it’s not too late to turn it around with lots of the good advice shared on this thread.

Anotherstressedmother · 21/12/2025 01:00

So basically,by design of where you keep your clothes you have given her step dad reason to be in her bedroom whenever he chooses..so anything could happen and he is covered by a reason for being there .
That is very odd ..who decided she gets the room where you both keep your clothes..she's now got no privacy ever .. because he will always have a reason to be in her room .
This is very worrying, especially as you don't seem to think it's a problem.. although I've not finished reading the whole thread ,so maybe further on you realise it's wrong

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 01:07

Namechangerage · 21/12/2025 00:40

Sorry but you moved a man in while you had a what, 3 or 4 year old? And although she was clearly uncertain of him, not “hugging him goodnight” etc, he tries (checks notes) “play fighting” to bond. Red flag… THEN you have two more kids while she is still in this uncomfortable and uncertain state. Because your happiness and more kids is more important to you in that moment.

He really found it unusual that a 3 or 4 year old didn’t want to hug a strange man that suddenly moved in to her home??

I do really feel for your DD and I hope she gets support she needs from somewhere.

Your first few lines articulate something I wanted to add to my wall of text and couldn't find the right words for. Thank you.

  • Any adult who forces touch on a child is a massive red flag, safeguarding-wise, to any sensible adult. (Sensible exceptions for necessary medical or hygiene interventions, blah blah, none of which is applicable to play-fighting and hugging.)
  • Any adult who forces touch on a child is a clear and present danger, from the point of view of the child.

I don't offer a hug to my child-aged relatives without explicitly stating that it's OK if they don't want to. A refusal is met with "that's OK, sometimes I don't want to hug too".

Yet this guy is steamrollering all over a little girl's boundaries? He might be well-intended and perfectly safe, but he's doing a really really shit job of reassuring her of that.

Anotherstressedmother · 21/12/2025 01:07

I'm autistic to ,and my mum moved my step dad in at age 7 ..I didn't cope ,she didn't protect me ,she prioritised his feelings over mine
I left home with her ,to live with my dad age 14 ,after a suicide attempt..due to the family situation my mother had made
I'm now 50 ,my mother saw my 4 children a handful of times during her lifetime
Our relationship just fizzled out , because by the time he died and she realised she wanted more of a relationship with me ,it was to late ,I couldn't forgive her .

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 01:09

Anotherstressedmother · 21/12/2025 01:00

So basically,by design of where you keep your clothes you have given her step dad reason to be in her bedroom whenever he chooses..so anything could happen and he is covered by a reason for being there .
That is very odd ..who decided she gets the room where you both keep your clothes..she's now got no privacy ever .. because he will always have a reason to be in her room .
This is very worrying, especially as you don't seem to think it's a problem.. although I've not finished reading the whole thread ,so maybe further on you realise it's wrong

Yeah, good spot. Whose idea was it to give her the room with all the wardrobes in and put his clothes in there?

I'm getting more worried about this guy as the thread moves on, can you tell?

Anotherstressedmother · 21/12/2025 01:12

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 01:09

Yeah, good spot. Whose idea was it to give her the room with all the wardrobes in and put his clothes in there?

I'm getting more worried about this guy as the thread moves on, can you tell?

Show quote history

It doesn't sound great for her either .
I get mum is on here asking for advice
But that advice is 5 years to late to help this situation,he's already there

endofthelinefinally · 21/12/2025 01:12

Play fighting? Ugh.

Btowngirl · 21/12/2025 01:14

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 20:22

Sorry but you are setting up huge disparity for your other dds, not only do you say we do make it very clear we never go on days out, holidays or anything when she isn't here. so her sisters get no treats/fun if she’s not there, they also don’t get anything if she is there? generally we don't do that many days out anyway because of her (suspected) autism,
you’re letting her rule the roost.

Also won’t dd1 do good stuff with her dad? So the 2 younger ones are the ones missing out..? It seems like DD1 is the master of this family op.

Northerngirl821 · 21/12/2025 01:36

Your daughter is neurodivergent and also has had to deal with the trauma of a family breakdown, a stepfather she hasn’t bonded with and two new siblings, plus she’s moving from one household to another every few days. Of course she is going to struggle.

I think you need to get some professional support, both for her - to help her understand how she’s feeling and manage her emotions better - and for yourself. Telling her to grow up and then locking yourself in the bathroom is not ok. You have forced her into this situation, please get her the help she needs to cope with it.

Starseeking · 21/12/2025 04:31

This every 2-2.5 days changeover sounds hugely stressful for your DD; I wouldn’t like it and I’m an NT adult in my forties! There must be a better routine that you can find for your DD and her DF.

You also need to swap your room with hers; it’s mad that she’s been given the “parents room”, while you and your DH are in one of the smaller rooms, and also that you’ve told her that you don’t do anything fun when she’s not there; this must all change, or your little DDs will become extremely resentful when they start to understand.

Your DH is extremely patient to have put up with a lot of this, however he also needs to respect your DD boundaries. Your DD has expressed a wish not to be touched by anyone except 3 people, and he’s not on that list of 3 people. It’s not a rejection of him; it’s what she can personally tolerate and is comfortable with, so don’t make it an issue, or as if she’s done something wrong.

It’s great that you’ve posted here for advice and support, while some of it may be hard to hear, please take action for the sake of your DD.

TheSandgroper · 21/12/2025 04:48

Sorry. Haven’t read the full thread and I know very little about autism. However, seeing as you say she is being looked at for autism and that she moves from one house to the other frequently, I thought of transitions.

Former Australian of the Year, Grace Tame, is autistic and has long had divorced parents and she has spoken about never sleeping for more than a week in the one place until she was at university. She didn’t like it.

Tooobvious · 21/12/2025 05:02

For a start, stop the play-fighting.

It's not kind of him to call her a brat but tbh I can understand why, because she’s behaving like one and frankly it doesn’t sound as if you’re doing much to try to teach her that behaviour like that is downright rude and just not acceptable, ND or not. If you are sure there is no good reason for it, simply don’t allow such bad behaviour and ensure there are consequences for it.

endofthelinefinally · 21/12/2025 05:25

This ND child has endured "play fighting" (being touched without her consent) by a man she is not related to and doesn't like, for years. It needs to stop immediately.
That is before all the other stressful things like moving homes every few days are considered.
No wonder there are behavioural issues.

Downtoncrabbey · 21/12/2025 05:26

Sound like she is a spoiled brat, plain and simple. She has learned that she can make demands, throw tantrums, and manipulate you into being getting her own way and being treated as ‘number one’ in the family. And as a kid, she likes this feeling of power and control and so keeps doing what works.

Now she feels entitled to being treated as number one in the family.

You don’t need to talk to her in the right way to make her understand. You don’t need to give her more attention (sounds like you give her a lot of attention anyway, and however much attention you give her she will only demand more).

You need consequences for her bad behaviour, consistently and as as soon as she does bad things.

I would avoid getting into any conversations with her about it as she just manipulates you. You just TELL her it’s not acceptable and enact the consequences. And call her out on her manipulation and say that’s not acceptable either, maybe introduce consequences for that too.

You need to nip this in the bud now. You worry she’s going to go live with her Dad and she KNOWS this and uses it against you. You let this fear treat her better than her siblings, which is very bad for her. Her siblings will also massively resent her and you. Your whole family will end up walking on eggshells around her and treating her like the king of the house. This is too much power to give a child and will have devastating effects on her personality and your family unit.

UxmalFan · 21/12/2025 05:34

This child is having a difficult life, OP. She's probably expressing her anger at both you and DH by being rude. Perhaps you and her dad could consider her having her main home in one place rather than moving every few weeks if she'd find that easier.

Mumofoneandone · 21/12/2025 06:29

Get hold of a copy of There's still no such thing as naughty by kate Silverstone - absolutely brilliant for understanding children and what's going on with them.
Also get some joint family therapy. Your DD is clearly unhappy and you need support to help unpick what is going on.

Snorlaxo · 21/12/2025 06:31

If you dd is possibly autistic and doesn’t like being touched, playfighting and “messing around” might not be the best idea.

While I understand that it’s doing your head in, what can your h do apart from asking you to be the only one who talks or deals with dd1 (including fetching his stuff from her cupboard) so that she doesn’t have a reaction? Giving your dd this “power” to bully h would damage your relationship with your h and dd2/3’s relationship with their dad and sister. Unless you’ve missed some bits out of the story , it sounds like he’s genuinely tried and been patient with dd1. Telling him off like a child was unreasonable although I sympathise why it feels like they are 2 squabbling siblings.

ittakes2 · 21/12/2025 06:33

Unfortunately play fighting ruined the boundary of no hitting - as previous posters said no hitting needs to be a house rule and play fighting needs to stop.
knowing that she is limited with her desire for physical contact - play fighting where she has no choice but to have contact is going to make her angry at him

Bungle2168 · 21/12/2025 06:58

I think your daughter should go and live with her father. She would be happier there.