School run commitment for SDC

[Klagglie]

I live with my DP and we have 2 DC each.

I’ve done my years of school runs for my own kids and they make their own way around now.

DP has his kids most of the school week and does his own school runs (or his parents do pick ups) so I’m not involved. I only have to do one evening pick up from a club once a week as it clashes with another club.

We both work full time so the SDC are either with grandparents or their mum on her days.

DP is looking at secondary schools in our catchment area and there is one very close, walking distance he isn’t keen on as not doing so well and doesn’t have full staff of teachers.

He likes the school further away that is in a traffic nightmare hot spot. I pointed out the traffic is notoriously awful in this location, which is in the opposite direction to his job, grandparents house and and asked what he was planning on doing to get the child back and forth. He said ‘the school bus’ and we looked it up and he’s seen it’s £100 a month which he is balking at, and now I feel under pressure to help with the school run. I suggested also looking at other closer schools but they have really fallen in love with this one (it’s in our catchment area).

It technically is on my way to work but I always avoid this area due to how bad the traffic is so I would have to purposely go there every day adding time to my journey.

I am in a senior management role and have different start times any time from 8am to 9am depending on what’s planned for my day or unexpected issue that can crop up I need to get into work ASAP, or end up on an early call logging on from home to sort out an issue. I can end up working late some evenings without notice, which allows me to be flexible with my start time, which sometimes I use as an opportunity to go to the gym in the mornings. I would entirely lose this freedom most of the week. As an aside, my employer doesn’t mind my flexible working approach, in fact it’s a perk of my job and trust based as I do not get paid any overtime or TOIL as part of my contract.

£100 is a lot to pay out a month so I see why he’s asking me to drop one of the DC off as this would save us money but he doesn’t HAVE to choose this school, and if he does I feel like that’s a him problem not my problem.

Am I being mean to my DP to expect him to sort this out? I don’t want to commit to 5 years of school runs I already did a decade of them

£100 a month is the cost of the school bus. Their parents will just have to pay it. No drama needed. No need for any martyrdom from anyone. Kids get on school buses and parents have to pay.

Supporting them in Uni is going to cost 10 times the school bus.

Yanbu. Him & his ex wife need to sort it out, not rely on you.

Don’t even consider it. When he had kids he knew he’d have to take them to school or pay for their transport. You can’t do it, you won’t do it. These kids have two parents, they’re responsible for this parenting stuff.

I agree with comments so far, thanks

He did comment on using public transport options but I think these are very unreliable around here, if you want a 11 year old to get to school and back on time just pay the £100 a month until they are older, when maybe it’s safer to bike that distance in to school (SC can’t ride a bike yet) or feels more confident to navigate public transport with timetables (SC wouldn’t manage this yet)

His kid, his ( and their mothers ) problem, secondary school is not forever.

Like you say, you have already done your years of school runs with your own DC. There is a school bus and they can use that, or go to a walkable school.

It doesn’t sound like you CAN reliably offer daily school runs. Are your own kids at secondary? Can they all go to the same one?

Why doesnt he spilt the £100 with his ex? Its not your responsibility.

No he’s choosing a different school to all the other kids. Smallest one will still be in primary so he has to get to 2 places a day which are not close to each other and get to work. There are 2 other schools within walking distance he isn’t as keen on

Your boyfriends kids have two parents who can sort this between them.

Opt out of signing up for thankless labour for other people's kids.

You don't need to think about the mother's routine, the father's distance from work, any of it. 'no thanks, I deliberately don't go near that area, it adds hours to my day.'

I did suggest this but I don’t think she will need the transport on her day. There are 2 adults in that household who are self employed and have a lot more flexibility with pick ups they work around the runs. Ex lives and works miles away from all the schools so the transport wouldn’t even go near her house anyways

Tough shit. If the closer schools aren’t good enough then him and the child’s mum will have to work it out. Why should you be the only person that’s inconvenienced?

I do think sometimes people are sometimes a bit short sighted in the pursuit of saving money. I think it’s a really good idea to tot up the time cost. Reality is it’s a fiver a day, now am assuming you are relatively well paid but even if you were on minimum wage if it’d take more than half an hour to do the return journeys then it’s not a good use of your time.

That’s before you consider petrol / wear and tear on the car.

Well its simple then the kids stay at hers on the weekdays for easy travel to school and stay at yours on the weekends? Why should you mess about your working hours?

Given your update I think it would be better for you to say that you’ve organised your own DCs school to fit around the flexibility you need to do your job. The job is the bigger picture stuff, it funds yours and your DCs lives and you simply cannot take on a responsibility that impacts your job. You’ve explained that you start at different times each day, wfh some mornings before going in etc, none of this screams ‘can be replaced by a school run 5 days a week for 5/7 years’. I think DP needs to pay the £100 and then see how it goes. Once the DC is at the school there might be car share options, hacks, tips, ways to get discounts.
The fact that it’s your SDC rather than DC is irrelevant, I’d be saying the same thing for my own DC.

Oh she’s got good deal out of DP wangling her time to fall over the more relaxed weekends and he gets the majority of school runs. She has the time to build her own business. It’s been this way for years she moved away from the whole area before going self employed and DP used to do all 5 days a week runs, they won’t change it now

Which school does his child want to go to?

There's a school.bus available. They can use it.
Otherwise you'll start doing some days as a favour & it'll then become "your job" & you'll get grief when you can't do it.
Start as you mean to go on. Big fat no. He can pay for the bus or take them himself.

How would he get his children to this school if you either split up, or you got a different job that meant you worked away through the week so weren’t ‘available’?

It’s his problem to sort out. He either needs to pay for the school bus (like hundreds of other parents) or suck up the inconvenience himself. Make it clear NOW that you won’t be doing any lifts to and from school.

I can’t believe he won’t consider inconveniencing their own mother but would be ok to inconvenience you (and not himself!).

Don’t be guilted into this. Even if they were your own children you’d not have this issue, because you’d have chosen the closer school or paid for the bus. Teenagers can be a nightmare at getting up and ready for school and you can’t risk your job security and flexibility to get them to school.

No you are not being mean

yes it is his problem

practice ignoring the pressure.

The school bus is about £4 per day. So I’m guessing that covers both directions and so £2ish each way.

would you pay £2 / £4 not to sit in that traffic or not have to think about it? I certainly would.

I pay for breakfast club each day for the sake of 20 minutes to not be on the brink of being late for my other drop off and then work. That £6 is so worth it for the lack of stress.

This is ridiculous. Is the bus a set fee or a pay-as-you-go option? If the latter, perhaps you provide lifts when convenient. If not, he just takes the bus. it's short term anyway - the speed with which they become more independent once they start high school is startling. if you're looking at this now, I assume he's currently in year 6 and aged 10. By the time he starts at this school, he'll be a full year more mature and the difference between start of year 6 and end of year 6 is huge. Ditto between the start of year 7 and end of year 7. It's a short term financial pain until the kid is a bit more independent.

He will have to pay the 100 pound a month simple.

I agree with @Wegovy2026, if he is hesitating at £100 pcm he has no idea of the costs of further / higher education! Of course it’s cheaper in the long run to pay for the bus than sit in traffic in a car etc.

Speak to the school. See if they can offer a use as you pay school bus fares. My daughters school did this for me as she only needed the bus when at her dads house. It wasn't advertised that they could do this but they were understanding to our circumstances.