School run commitment for SDC

[Klagglie]

I live with my DP and we have 2 DC each.

I’ve done my years of school runs for my own kids and they make their own way around now.

DP has his kids most of the school week and does his own school runs (or his parents do pick ups) so I’m not involved. I only have to do one evening pick up from a club once a week as it clashes with another club.

We both work full time so the SDC are either with grandparents or their mum on her days.

DP is looking at secondary schools in our catchment area and there is one very close, walking distance he isn’t keen on as not doing so well and doesn’t have full staff of teachers.

He likes the school further away that is in a traffic nightmare hot spot. I pointed out the traffic is notoriously awful in this location, which is in the opposite direction to his job, grandparents house and and asked what he was planning on doing to get the child back and forth. He said ‘the school bus’ and we looked it up and he’s seen it’s £100 a month which he is balking at, and now I feel under pressure to help with the school run. I suggested also looking at other closer schools but they have really fallen in love with this one (it’s in our catchment area).

It technically is on my way to work but I always avoid this area due to how bad the traffic is so I would have to purposely go there every day adding time to my journey.

I am in a senior management role and have different start times any time from 8am to 9am depending on what’s planned for my day or unexpected issue that can crop up I need to get into work ASAP, or end up on an early call logging on from home to sort out an issue. I can end up working late some evenings without notice, which allows me to be flexible with my start time, which sometimes I use as an opportunity to go to the gym in the mornings. I would entirely lose this freedom most of the week. As an aside, my employer doesn’t mind my flexible working approach, in fact it’s a perk of my job and trust based as I do not get paid any overtime or TOIL as part of my contract.

£100 is a lot to pay out a month so I see why he’s asking me to drop one of the DC off as this would save us money but he doesn’t HAVE to choose this school, and if he does I feel like that’s a him problem not my problem.

Am I being mean to my DP to expect him to sort this out? I don’t want to commit to 5 years of school runs I already did a decade of them

ah I see!!

well I don’t know why he thinks 100£ a month is a lot

surely that’s just the standard cost of transport?

i take the London overground 3 stops each way everyday for work and it costs me Similar (well 4.60’a day)

YANBU just make it clear that you cannot do it and wont change your mind. He needs to resolve this between them as you are unable to do it

It’s not ‘on your way’ if you avoid the route normally due to the traffic issues.

You would be foolish to make your life harder and potentially impact your employment to make the parents life easier. It is for them to sort this out.

I'm not a step parent but I wouldn't do that for my own children under your circumstances OP. Sounds like there's a perfectly good school bus and the cost really isn't unreasonable. I agree with a PP who said that most secondary school pupils make their own way to school anyway, either walking/cycling or on the bus. I suspect the arrangement wouldn't work well for your SC any more than it would for you really. Once they settle in to secondary school they will want to be more independent and be travelling with their friends. They won't want to be dropped off early some days and to have to hang around waiting for you to arrive after work, never being absolutely sure what time that might be, which is how it sounds it will work out. The only person this idea seems to benefit is your partner. It saves him money and has zero impact on his day to day life. Meanwhile it's a massive inconvenience* *to you and I'd put money on his DC not liking it either. Say no. It's something you could possibly do on an occasional basis if there was some reason they couldn't get the bus on a particular day but it's not a sustainable long term plan. It wouldn't be sensible even if you were planning to do this for your own children but at least that would be your choice. They're his kids, it's his choice of school and transport is his problem.

No, you can’t do it. End of. Stop this op. He can pay up or choose the other school. The dc are on holidays for half the year so it won’t be every month. I wouldn’t even consider compromising my work to say yes to this. No way.

The birth parents pay the £100. If u both got decent jobs surely it won't break the bank. £5 a day. Think about how much nursery costs a day!

its not 100 vs 0. It is 100 vs the cost of the petrol plus the wear and tear on your vehicle to get them to school. The actual incremental cost of the school bus compared to driving is fairly small.

if traffic is bad, even a strict mileage calculation won’t adequately reflect fuel costs because your fuel efficiency will be low.

That is without adding a value for your time.

even if it was 1000 per month, you would be under no obligation to provide transportation. However, this comparison of value needs to be accurate.

Could you drop them off half way but before you get snarled up in traffic? Somewhere they can safely walk from and possibly meet up with mates? How far is it?

Pay the bus fare. It’s the price of going to the better school.

And ignore all the usual MN man-haters who are saying his kids, his problem, you are both parenting both sets of children when they are at yours. That’s what being partners entails.

Hi op just explain you can’t commit to this long term so if they decide on this school you won’t be offering. it’s 25 quid a week if he’s prefers this school money is going to have to be spent on travel. Or he has to find another job that fits in with his dc.

Not your problem. If it was an easy run to the school and you had regular work start times,I am sure you would help. But it is not feasible for you. So tell him to pay the £100.
Only opyion.

Er no, they chose the school-then they chose to pay the bus fare. It's absolute CF territory to choose a school and declare it the SM problem to get them there!
The traffic is one issue, another is YOU having to get them out the bloody door every day as well as getting yourself ready. And having to change your work schedule for the privilege! And who is covering the extra fuel cost while your farting about trying to get close to the school through the congestion? Does that cost not count because it's not their cost?
Don't even open yourself up to the discussion.

You've obviously thought this through and tried to find a way that you could help, but it's just not feasible. You may be going in the right direction, but at the wrong times. Just tell your partner clearly that you can't do anything, so he figures the location in along with the various other factors when making a final decision on a school. If you're second-guessing yourself for bing mean or whatever, stop; you've done as much as can be reasonably expected. If he's putting pressure on you after you've explained, that's a problem.

RE sharing costs with his ex - his having made an agreement that he would voluntarily take on more of the costs and work of childcare doesn't mean he's locked into it forever. He's very much within his rights to pursue a more equitable CAO and if he doesn't want to do that he should still check what he may be owed for CMS. If the child is with him more than 50% based on nights per year, she does owe him and can be required to pay. This wouldn't matter for some people but if he's so concerned over £100/month he's willing to badger you like this, it sounds like he's not well enough off financially to just give away money that's owed to him.

I don’t think that you have to be involved or solve the problem, this isn’t for you to do.

But, if your dh really objects to the bus, has he had a look to see whether there is somewhere within a 20 minute walk of school where he could drop more easily? Ideally on the way to the primary school? Timing wise this might work better as then it feels natural to drop eldest first then youngest.

That way he avoids the worst of the traffic and can do both school runs, plus older ds has some independence.

But, if it was me, I’d just pay for the bus.

Well they get the bus but on
days where it’s possible for you to do it then you could? (If you want to help, or not if you don’t I guess).

He should just pay the £100 a month.

God no, don’t even start doing this to yourself - you have enough going on!

I’d say no, explain you need the flexibility and don’t know what time you will need to start week to week and it would be harder on him trying to sort last minute arrangements because you can’t do it. And he would still have the problem of how they would get home

It’s upto him and his ex to come to an agreement, I’d stay out of it and just let them know that you can’t be relied upon due to your work commitments, so if they choose that school they will have to arrange it between them , not you.

‘I won’t be able to help with school runs , so bear that in mind when choosing a school’

why doesn’t his ex contribute financially?

Your partner expects you to add time to your commute to save £4 a day. Unless finances are very strained he should give up something to fit the bus in the budget.

How much time is being added to your commute?

The old Mumsnet adage - "no" is a complete sentence is what this situation requires.
No explanation, justification.

Let them (birth parents) make their decisions for their son and do what is required to make it happen.

It's £5 a day for goodness sake. They are totally trying to take advantage. Get what's best for their son and it costs them nothing.

Let the parents sort it out OP.

Your time and flexibility are worth a lot more than £100 per month.

This.

Don’t offer, don’t think about offering and don’t feel bad about not offering. It’s his problem to solve.

So it's fair for one parent to do all the school runs in question, when they don't want to, it doesn't fit in with their job, and they had no say in which school was picked?
Which a parent absolutely would have?
See how it's relevant that it's not her kid?
This is not for her to solve.