School run commitment for SDC

[Klagglie]

I live with my DP and we have 2 DC each.

I’ve done my years of school runs for my own kids and they make their own way around now.

DP has his kids most of the school week and does his own school runs (or his parents do pick ups) so I’m not involved. I only have to do one evening pick up from a club once a week as it clashes with another club.

We both work full time so the SDC are either with grandparents or their mum on her days.

DP is looking at secondary schools in our catchment area and there is one very close, walking distance he isn’t keen on as not doing so well and doesn’t have full staff of teachers.

He likes the school further away that is in a traffic nightmare hot spot. I pointed out the traffic is notoriously awful in this location, which is in the opposite direction to his job, grandparents house and and asked what he was planning on doing to get the child back and forth. He said ‘the school bus’ and we looked it up and he’s seen it’s £100 a month which he is balking at, and now I feel under pressure to help with the school run. I suggested also looking at other closer schools but they have really fallen in love with this one (it’s in our catchment area).

It technically is on my way to work but I always avoid this area due to how bad the traffic is so I would have to purposely go there every day adding time to my journey.

I am in a senior management role and have different start times any time from 8am to 9am depending on what’s planned for my day or unexpected issue that can crop up I need to get into work ASAP, or end up on an early call logging on from home to sort out an issue. I can end up working late some evenings without notice, which allows me to be flexible with my start time, which sometimes I use as an opportunity to go to the gym in the mornings. I would entirely lose this freedom most of the week. As an aside, my employer doesn’t mind my flexible working approach, in fact it’s a perk of my job and trust based as I do not get paid any overtime or TOIL as part of my contract.

£100 is a lot to pay out a month so I see why he’s asking me to drop one of the DC off as this would save us money but he doesn’t HAVE to choose this school, and if he does I feel like that’s a him problem not my problem.

Am I being mean to my DP to expect him to sort this out? I don’t want to commit to 5 years of school runs I already did a decade of them

OP, however much you imagine it will be inconvenient, multiple it by 10.
He won't be doing it so will have zero appreciation for the huge inconvenience and irritation it will be for you.

Be very very careful here because you sound like you could possibly end up like one of those skivvy aupairs on this forum that gets used by two parents whilst they do fxxk all for THEIR children.

Be very firm, you are not going back to years of this.
These are not your children.
I am finishing school runs soon and I wouldn't take them on for anyone.
Protect your independence.
This should be a deal breaker for you.
Do not be used by him and his ex.

It is too easy to be used.
And if you even vaguely agree to it, YOU will be the worst in the world for backing out when you inevitably lose your rag at how this is messing with YOUR life, not his.

Much much better to say absolutely not, do not involve me in any way with your childrens school transport.
If he gets pissed off, maybe have a re think.

Depending on area public transport could costs just as much too.

How about lunches? Does he or the kids make packed lunches or does he pay? Has he ever added up the price per month?

Any updates, OP?

I told him that he could not rely on me this many days a week as my hours are changeable and I think he should get the transport for everyone’s benefit, peace of mind etc. so he knows now

We did not have the best of weekends, we argued about all kinds of things which was frustrating. I am really struggling with my lack of personal space and free time recently

Hold the line you have drawn. You just don't want to do it (with good reason). He needs to respect your time and space. You have done nothing wrong. Remember that.

Good for you op. Partner cannot just ASSUme you’re going to give up your freedom for 5 years.

But if neither you nor him can pick them up after school, you will have to pay for transport anyway?!

So he doesn't want to stand up to ex and draw up a better childcare agreement that would see both parents doing a more even split of school runs, he doesn't ask ex for any maintenance, doesn't want to pay for the school bus, so his solution is to try and rope you into this and make it your long term problem. not great

If you are ‘feeling pressure’ to provide a solution which will cause you at best serious inconvenience and at worse risk you role / good name to save someone else £100 / month then you are arguably not really being kind to yourself.

done give in to any such pressure. The other adults in your life have choices which come with consequences

You will thank me later for not swooping in.

This.

Glad you are putting your foot now. If they choose a school that's inconvenient, then the inconvenience must be borne by them, not you!

I agree. They want that school they pay for the bus or get them there themselves.

School bus it is! I'd pay the £100 not to sit in the traffic. Just tell him to stop being a scrooge and buy the bus pass.

I would bet good money that one of the reasons that he “fell in love” with the school is because it’s near your work.

That means that even if he sorts the bus, every sick day, half day, teacher meeting, award assembly etc it’ll be “easier” for you to go to the school.

And it won’t be for five years, as the younger child will probably go where their older sibling goes, so it could be closer to ten.

I’d suggest telling your P that there’s talk of your work moving their office to X, the complete opposite direction of the school and see if his opinion of it changes then.

But it seems like you’re starting to get the measure of him already.

I wouldn’t have any further arguments, hold the line on your very reasonable no to school run and refuse to engage further. He can’t argue by himself. Sorry it was a rough weekend. I’m just going to remind you that you don’t need to stay in this set up if it’s not making you happy or serving you well. You deserve to be happy and to have a peaceful home.

I took on school runs in a similar situation but it was once a week. Id I was being asked to do every day I’d insist they chose a different school
or paid the bus pass

This is a long term thing, The task of getting a grumpy 15 year old in the car in the mornings is awful. Opt out, don’t offer at all not your problem (obviously unless your partner did your school runs for yours then maybe you should)
I would happily pay for the pass myself than take a stroppy teen anywhere🙈

Is the DSC likely to get this school. Where I live it's mostly catchment only and so many parents get really disappointed with allocation. This may not even turn out to be an issue.

It is madness not to pay for the school bus. DC want to be with their friends. Drop off might be OK but pick up will be an issue.

I do commute with my (own) child to school but it's by train so it doesn't matter if one of us needs to go/return at a different time.

It's 7 years potentially OP! Stand firm!

He sounds selfish and demanding OP. It’s not as if the school is even on your way if you usually avoid this route because of bad traffic. This is definitely a hill to die on and from your updates sounds like he is taking advantage in other ways as well.

At least ten times!
Plus, if you are in a senior management role, your time is worth more on your job.
but I agree this is a problem for DP and the DC’s mother to resolve.
Edited having read your other posts: his arrangement with his ex is his issue to resolve, arguably she needed the time to build up her business and as you say no money has changed hands, he has not been paying maintenance, so she will have needed to do this to pay for DC. Regardless, it is not your role to pick up the slack.

I think the issue of struggling with lack of personal space is important because this would eat further into your time. I would also find it concerning that you saying no to this has led to arguments. Take care you are not being punished for saying no here.

They aren't doing a very good job of raising competent individuals, are they.

Certainly don’t fork out the £100 for his DC’s bus pass!

OMG, the child's parents need to get working on the bike riding and public transport using, whatever the school choice!

This is the real man.
Not nice to be around when you refuse to be used by him and his ex.
Neither of them will put themselves out but expect you, the mug, to do it.

This will only get worse.
You should seriously rethink living together.
Offer him nothing.
These are not your children.
If he continues to be unpleasant, and try and bully you into giving in, you will know just what a lazy selfish man he is, if you don't already.

Start looking for other housing.