Wants mum and dad back together

[stepmumdramas]

My dp left his exw when sc was only 2. I’ve been in their life since they were 4 and they are now 7.
They initially bonded really well with me but over the last year things have changed. I think they have come to the age they realise mum and dad are not together. Sc keeps asking dp and exw to hug all together at drop offs. This weekend they have also stated they want mum and dad back together. I think they are now seeing me as the thing stopping they from happening and taking their pain out on me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to help sc?
Anything I should be doing?

Exw has never spoken to me and never will. I would happily speak to her but it’s not what she wants.

My dp does take sc out on their own to places like the library and the park. My dc enjoy coming out with me and would rather that than be stuck inside all day. We do have times when we are all home together and times when we all go out together. Just that we’ve been making sure they get extra time just the two of them to help things.

It’s a really common occurrence for children with divorced parents, as for how to deal with it - sorry no advice

Did your dp tell you what’s Been happening at drop off?

what does your DP think you should do and how does he address fact his son isn’t talking to you

he didn’t tell me straight away. It was happening last year and stopped but it’s been happening again for a few weeks and only found out this weekend.
Dp and exw have sat down and told sc that they will not be getting back together; that him not here to replace anyone and that i am nothing to do with why they split up.

You say his mam has never spoken to and never will.

Im going to ask the dreaded SP question and you dont need to answer it but were you the OW? Because if so I would also suggest that as part of planning how to deal with this current emotional position, how you both are going to deal with the situation if that is the case.

I only ask because my child SM was technically and she didnt find out for years. They messed up on time frames she put it all together her self and the shit hit the fan with the relationship with her dad and SM. It has all passed now and they have a very good relationship but it had a horrendous impact for a good few years especially as her father lived with his SC full time.

How is he addressing fact his son isn’t talking to you?

how does he and ex get on?

No i am 100% not the OW. Dp and his exw split up 2 years before we met.

Exw can be ok sometimes and then kick off for no reason.

They have both sat down and spoken to sc.

Is it just ds and his mum at home?

It sounds very amicable and that they’re dealing with it well. So leave them to it.

as for him not talking to you, well that’s rude and your DP needs to address that with him

It is now. Not long after they originally split she had someone live with her for a while but I don’t think sc remembers that now.

It has been addressed a lot by both parents and sc keeps saying they like me etc but I feel it’s just to keep parents happy.

I sense there’s more to this op
But for some reason you are reluctant to share, despite fact that if we knew what was really going on - you would likely get more useful advice.

anyway, based on what you’ve said… leave the parents to it but dp should address the non talking to you

Sorry, I think I’ve answered everything you asked and if I missed something it wasn’t intentional.

Then I would allow it all to back off about it for a little while. In regards interactions with you, same. They actually dont have to like you, but respect and basic manners is different.

So when addressing if they dont acknowledge you, it should be framed on remembering our manners by your DP its rude not to acknowledge people who say hello to you etc then move on.

That’s pretty much what parents have said. We don’t have to be best friends but sc needs to still be polite.

My parents divorced when I was a young adult. Thirty years later I still wish they were together! Having divorced parents is hard especially as it impacts you as their child but you have no influence or control. You aren't with both people you love. It has to be one or the other. You know that other children get to be with your parent, when you aren't there. I'm sorry I don't have wise words about it but it's good plan for their dad to recognise their feelings and ask curious questions. I think it's very common for SC to be looking for someone to be angry with and step parents are often that person. Yes, it's irrational to us as adults but it makes perfect sense to them.
Are you able to support them with paying for play therapy or a child psychotherapist?

We went through the same with my DSD. She was fine at first, and we got along great, but after a couple of years she started getting upset about her parents not being together any more. Possibly because mum was with someone then she wasn’t, DSD may have thought mum is on her own so dad can come back. Perhaps that’s what your SC is thinking.

Mum was also a nightmare constantly contacting her on our time, saying how much she missed her, etc. Poor DSD would be in tears wanting to go home. Mum knew this because we took her home rather than her be upset, but she still kept doing it (Some sort of power play, to feel like the favourite parent).
DSD was probably desperate for her parents to be back together so she didn’t have to feel the upset and guilt of being away from her mum.
It only stopped when she got a new boyfriend and he didn’t want her doing it all the time.

In time she did accept they weren’t getting back together and things settled down, but it did take a while.

In terms of your SC ignoring you, that’s just not acceptable. They may feel upset or confused, but they still need to show basic manners. It’s very disrespectful, I can only imagine what your children must think when they witness that. Your DP needs to be firm with this

Does DS talk to your children or just you not talking?

and when you say not talking to you… do you mean that you will ask a question and he will refuse to answer?

do you all sit down together to eat? Have you holidayed together?

Thank you for sharing your positive outcome it gives me hope.

Sc speaks to my children, dp and even the animals. They will excitedly say hi to my kids and then ignore me when I’m right there. They are overly polite to their dad and never say thank you to me when I do the same things (like give them food etc). It’s as if I don’t even exist tbh.
We have holidayed together and done lots of day trips.
This year we are holidaying with just my dc as I can’t handle being ignored and disrespected on holiday too.

I’m speechless that your partner is allowing this. Surely every single time his child doesn’t say thank you or blatantly ignores you… he pulls his child up on it??!

don’t your teens say ever say “hey DS, come on now, don’t be rude to our mum”

and your partner is ok with his son not joining in the holiday??

He has pulled sc up on it and they’ve had multiple conversations and yet it continues.

sc has had two holidays with us that my dc didn’t all come along to so it’s my kids turn to have one this time. Plus I’m the one paying for it.

Ok what were the two holidays like when he was there?

How long has this been going on for?

and your partner needs to pick him up on it EVERY time. I can’t imagine there being any time that his son ignores you and your partner doesn’t say something. That must piss you off and hurt you so much

Those holidays were before this started. Sc was super close to me. Excited to see me, hugging me and saying they loved me.
Then boom, one weekend it changed. This has been ongoing around 6-8 months now.
It is pulled up on every time dp sees it.
The last few times they’ve have been over I’ve kept to myself as it’s caused me so much upset now. I struggle with my mental health and my home is my safe space. To be so rudely ignored has really upset me and I’ve tired so hard so now I’m keeping away for a whole. I can tell when I’m not wanted.