Wants mum and dad back together

stepmumdramas · 2025-08-17T14:58:18+00:00

My dp left his exw when sc was only 2. I’ve been in their life since they were 4 and they are now 7. They initially bonded really well with me but over the last year things have changed. I think they have come to the age they realise mum and dad are not together. Sc keeps asking dp and exw to hug all together at drop offs. This weekend they have also stated they want mum and dad back together. I think they are now seeing me as the thing stopping they from happening and taking their pain out on me. Does anyone have any advice on how to help sc? Anything I should be doing?

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 15:59

Do you have children?

how often are the children over?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 17:00

I have 3 dc who live here full time and do eow with their dad.
Sc does eow here, 2 nights during the week and 60/40 (60 here) over the holidays.

OP posts:

Mrsm010918 · 17/08/2025 17:57

I think this needs to be a conversation their dad needs to have with them in an honest, age appropriate way tbh.

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 17:59

Thy are very young op
and no doubt very confused
How old are your kids?
when they come to you…. Do they share a bedroom? Are they happy there?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:05

Mine are 16,13 and 10.
They are very happy here apart from now not wanting to talk to me. They have the biggest room which is split in half so they have their own private half.

OP posts:

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:17

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:05

Mine are 16,13 and 10.
They are very happy here apart from now not wanting to talk to me. They have the biggest room which is split in half so they have their own private half.

Where does the 7 year old sleep?

I imagine it’s incredibly overwhelming for them to go from being only child

to suddenly being youngest of 4, and the eldest 9 years older than him

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:17

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:05

Mine are 16,13 and 10.
They are very happy here apart from now not wanting to talk to me. They have the biggest room which is split in half so they have their own private half.

so they share with the 10 year old?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:24

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:17

so they share with the 10 year old?

Show quote history

With the 13 year old but the room is divided properly so they have a window each and don’t enter each others section so it is effectively two rooms.

OP posts:

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 17/08/2025 18:24

Your DH needs to speak to his DD.

CinnamonBuns67 · 17/08/2025 18:25

I think this is normal OP for the kids to want their parents together. But the parents need to be honest that it isn't going to happen because they don't want to be together and have and maintain firm boundaries like saying no to hugging all together. They're bound to have their feelings but it's down to their parents to guide them through it.

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:25

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:24

With the 13 year old but the room is divided properly so they have a window each and don’t enter each others section so it is effectively two rooms.

Show quote history

op you can see how a young child prob feels a bit intimidated going from only child

so suddenly in a busy household full of teens and sharing a bedroom with one

how long have you lived together?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:30

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:25

op you can see how a young child prob feels a bit intimidated going from only child

so suddenly in a busy household full of teens and sharing a bedroom with one

how long have you lived together?

Edited

Show quote history

Together nearly 4 years and living together for 2 years.

Yes I totally get its a big adjustment coming here due to there being more people in the house.

It’s the wanting parents back together and how to navigate it.

OP posts:

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:34

Are they about to turn 8 then?

how do your kids get on with DP?

he will be moving from a very quiet home where he’s the only child

to suddenly teenagers, and their friends over, and teen dramas etc.

Previously he was very young and probably quite unaware, and now he’s becoming more aware and he doesn’t like it op. Just be kind and welcoming and accepting and he will adapt in time

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 18:57

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 18:34

Are they about to turn 8 then?

how do your kids get on with DP?

he will be moving from a very quiet home where he’s the only child

to suddenly teenagers, and their friends over, and teen dramas etc.

Previously he was very young and probably quite unaware, and now he’s becoming more aware and he doesn’t like it op. Just be kind and welcoming and accepting and he will adapt in time

Yes nearly 8.
My dp gets oh amazing with my kids. He is a very hands on step dad and they all adore him.
My teenagers don’t have friends over and tbh they are pretty chilled and like quiet time on their own gaming etc.
Sc and my youngest get on amazing too and play together loads.

OP posts:

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 19:21

Well it all sounds dreamy op but fact remains this young child sounds confused and unhappy, so his father needs to parent up and address with him gently and lovingly. And spend lots of alone time with him.

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 19:55

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 19:21

Well it all sounds dreamy op but fact remains this young child sounds confused and unhappy, so his father needs to parent up and address with him gently and lovingly. And spend lots of alone time with him.

It has all been amazing until this issue cropped up out of nowhere.
I think it’s just sc getting older and understanding the reality of parents not being together.

OP posts:

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 20:13

Do they all hug together?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 20:19

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 20:13

Do they all hug together?

No dp and exw have firmly said no and explained that they will not be getting back together.

OP posts:

Whatado · 17/08/2025 20:25

I think its completely normal that as they get older they realise actually not everyone lives like them.

I think its very hard for children when their BP lives the majority of their time with children that arent actually theirs. Even more difficult than with half siblings because the reality is in alot of cases their parent is more of an active parent to their SC than their BC.

All they can do is keep explaining that wont happen and give them opportunities to talk about how they really feel. With lots of opportunities for time with just their BP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2025 20:29

You don’t say how DP is dealing with this. How much quality one to one time does he have with his dad? Do they talk, properly, openly?

Original poster

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 21:00

I have been encouraging lots of one on one time since this happened. I take my children out for most of the day so that they can spend time just them.
My dp is there more for my children but that’s sadly the way it works with the timings exw is happy with etc.
I know sc is starting to realise their friends have parents that are together and wondering why it’s not the same for them. I get that it’s all part of learning and growing up. It just seems to have come on so suddenly it wasn’t something I was expecting nearly 4 years down the line.

OP posts:

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 21:03

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 21:00

I have been encouraging lots of one on one time since this happened. I take my children out for most of the day so that they can spend time just them.
My dp is there more for my children but that’s sadly the way it works with the timings exw is happy with etc.
I know sc is starting to realise their friends have parents that are together and wondering why it’s not the same for them. I get that it’s all part of learning and growing up. It just seems to have come on so suddenly it wasn’t something I was expecting nearly 4 years down the line.

You take out your 16, 13 and 10 year old for the day when he comes over so that your DP can be alone with him?

Firstly… how do your teens feel about this?
Secondly, would it not make more sense for him and DS to go out and do something together?

Laxoverhols · 17/08/2025 21:03

How well do you and ex wife get on? Does she have a partner?

Betsy95 · 17/08/2025 21:07

Completely normal, I get the same thing from my youngest of the same age. Your DP just needs to keep reaffirming he’s not getting back to Ex and explain why in a way a young child can understand, then just lots of reassurance that they are loved etc

I know it’s hard, hang in there.

Whatado · 17/08/2025 21:07

stepmumdramas · 17/08/2025 21:00

I have been encouraging lots of one on one time since this happened. I take my children out for most of the day so that they can spend time just them.
My dp is there more for my children but that’s sadly the way it works with the timings exw is happy with etc.
I know sc is starting to realise their friends have parents that are together and wondering why it’s not the same for them. I get that it’s all part of learning and growing up. It just seems to have come on so suddenly it wasn’t something I was expecting nearly 4 years down the line.

I think that was probably very niave of you. Your SC had very little understanding of their life when you got together. As they get older that will continue.

I dont really think it is guaranteed that SPs will be there more for their SKs than their BK just based on time. Its an active choice one with consequences for doing it and equally not doing it.

The reality is your SC may actually grow up to actively resent their BP for making that choice. Irrelevant of the reasons why they did. Your DP focus needs to be making sure he is very emotionally invested in his childs life as an offer all along with his physical presence when they visit.