So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

So he’d find someone that would pick up his childcare responsibilities?
What’s he going to do in the meantime? Parent himself? Rely on grandparents? Exactly @SweepingFrog‘s point.

Yes to this. Start by reclaiming the weekends, why on earth wouldn't you? You will burn out at this rate. And I would speak to dh about the holiday being about the 2 of you, and as you're leaving your dc behind, dsc need to stay with grandparents to give you both a chance to reconnect as a couple. Suggest he book a weekend away for him and dsc, so he can spend his bloody 'family time' actually parenting his own dc.

This is true - hence I never dated men who had children.

Why be in a relationship with a man with children. What if their mum died in a car crash? Surely you must have thought they might want to live with dad, sibling and you at some point and considered am I ok with this?

Can you imagine how rubbish it feels to be ten and knowing your step mum really resents taking you to football and mum and dad presumably aren’t stepping up either.

You need to tell DH you don’t want to look after them.

💯 this, should be pinned somewhere... on Relationships and Step parenting boards at least

I'm also a bit concerned about the money side of things. It's all very well him working more and therefore earning more but if you are needing to ask him for money, then the benefit of that extra earning power largely seems to be his! You sah with your toddler, while nice, also saves your family childcare costs and is arguably better for a very young child than nursery - it's not your dh doing you some huge favour. Usually having one parent sah is an arrangement which suits both parents. It frees him up to work and not suffer the career consequences that mothers often experience. You shouldn't be left short financially because of it.

In your shoes I'd expect my dh to do the holiday with me - it's not for weeks away, it's just a few days. You need time together as a couple dnd whether the dc want it or not, the grandparents can look after them for a few days.
Your DH seems open to talking so talk. As much as he might love having the kids full time he needs to be reminded that they aren't your children - it's totally natural for him to love them loads but not so much for you! And it's wrong for him to expect you to jump excitedly into full time mum mode to children you don't have the natural parent bond with. He's (unwittingly maybe) being blind to reality because it suits him rather a lot not to see how this is affecting you.

I do disagree with the above that virtually all divorced men are shit fathers who never did much or that any mental health issues of the ex wife result from this.
You never know peoples personal circumstances and to blame a man just because he is a man is as wrong as sexism towards women. There are plenty of selfish, abusive women out there. If men are getting away with being shitty fathers, it's because society tolerates and enables it. It's not that women are always inherently better.

Seriously? His current partner who has a child with him is struggling with the intensity of the situation, but you suggest a stranger might be happy to come in and take all these responsibilities over? Good luck with that idea.

I didn't mention stranger, you did. And for what it's worth, the OP was a stranger originally to his older children wasn't she?

I meant that her DH could eventually meet someone else if they were to part (as people do), and that person would hopefully enter the relationship with her eyes wide open and understand that he comes as a package.

The OP maybe thought she could take on his children if it came to it, or I guess most likely thought that she'd only have to spend a little time with them once or twice a week maybe, and didn't anticipate that things can change where the kids end up living with her full time,

My husband works in career that involves him working weekends so and regular nights, regularly so no we dont share it. I do what needs to be done because Im the one at home.

No I don't pay into my husbands pension because its more tax efficient due to how we are taxed to pay into mine and invest in shares.

My husband has the choice to work full time. He doesnt want to and he is very happy in his chosen career but if he did we would pay to out source more of our child care. Just like the OP can choose to do for their family unit.

That isnt actually what the OP is saying at all. She is saying she resents them being there full time because of the impact it is having on their home and her on an overall basis.

Of course every parent needs a break, hence like I said they need to include time in their realistic planning for both of them.

You sound burnt out. Focus on the things you can change easily, that also give you some time for you as it will make you feel way less resentful about the other stuff, so make sure you do your weekly hobby and also meet with friends if you wish on a weekend.

Some posters need to be kind, OP has become a full time parent to three overnight including 2 preteens and it’s not hard to imagine why OP is getting overwhelmed, that doesn’t make her a bad person and no matter how many times she’s told ‘you should have thought about this before marrying a man with children’ doesn’t solve the current predicament.

It’s not that OP is resenting her DSC, she resents that her DH wants her to carry the load and even when he is home, he wants them all to spend the weekend together!
I’m guessing their mum has had a nervous breakdown and can no longer care for her children, the last thing they need is too see their stepmum have a breakdown because of her DH insisting she doesn’t get out of the house and socialise as normal on weekends when he is home and expects her to give up her hobby!
He is too scared to to tell them they have to go to their grandparents so him and frog can go away for a couple of nights because they don’t want to go and he is afraid to insist for the greater good as frog is burnt out. He could reach out to grandparents or the children’s friends parents who go to football also and ask if they would pick up and drive them home so frog can go out for her hobby.
All he has to do is talk to his DC, tell them frog is busy one evening a week to go to her hobby, that unless he can get someone else to drive them there and back they will have to miss out. He can also tell them they have to stay at grandparents when they go away as it’s already booked. They have been through the wringer, missing home with mum but it’s no good for the family having life paused on limbo. They can be taught to put dirty clothes in a laundry basket that is placed in their room and bring it down when asked if they have any clothes to be washed. He can take them out to buy clothes for them on a Saturday, it’s not rocket science and it’s not going to damage them.

Next time he says how much he loves having the DSC here all the time don’t you why don’t you say something like “it seems to have had a huge impact on my life and free time and stress levels but not as much on yours. I’d probably love having them here more if that wasn’t the case. What do you suggest to fix this”. Then listen to what he has to say. If he tries to say he can’t possibly change his work hours or pick up more slack because he’s working, ask him what he would have done if this had happened and he hadn’t been married to you. Then tell him he needs to do that.

You are a hard working, engaged parent who probably does more that your fair share on every front.

It doesn't sound as if Op feels she can simply choose to engage childcare for the family unit, but hopefully she and her DH can sit down and make more sustainable arrangements together soon.

Sorry no. You are not these children's parent. It doesn't 'make sense' for you to spend the time allocated to your own DC on your husband's children from a previous relationship. You need to make him see that these children are his (and their mother's) responsibility, and what you can do is in the realm of favours, as would be the case with other extended family. The goodwill for favours will run out. Absolutely no way should you be paying for their clothes and food. He will have to take emergency leave from work, or hire someone to help, because he cannot simply expect you to suddenly act as if you are their parent. It is not reasonable.

"Do you? Because I find it incredibly demanding and stressful, and it is making me resent you. I think you are failing to understand that these are not my children.'

Why not shove the DSC'S in a cupboard whilst their dad's at work, I mean, remember they're NOTHING to do with the OP. 🙄

If you take on the role of step-parent, then surely you're agreeing to at least do your best by the children, and not resent them and the things you may be asked to do for them.

DO NOT REPLY TO THE RANDOM STATEMENTS!
🙄🤣 no one want their life to revolve their step children. My life only revolves lives round my own real actual children to a degree. Your wings have been clipped by their own mum being too shit and unable to do life. Sounds horrendous and my vagina is semi sealed shut
A friend of mine is a step mum. The school and activities try to include her on the circulation lists. She declines. I think she is a champ as their own mum and dad can get involved 🤷‍♀️

What like everything while neither actual parent does?
While their dad's not picked up the parenting load chirps away about how wonderful and fun it is?

Sure, a bit, but not blooming all of it, when neither of the parents do anything.
if one read this thread without looking at the usernames, it could appear that there are quite a few voices who think the op should be doing everything, her life change completely, and the blokes not at all - but actually all these posts have come from just one username @Beachwaves45who appears to think, as the ops husband does, that women are there as skivvys to men.
you have also said upthread that the ops husband works so many hours he can’t possibly do anything, but the op hasn’t said he works any more than the norm. So that’s 8 hours a day he could be doing the admin, getting all the hw done, buying their uniform. He has chosen to have 3 children, so he has more work ti do that people who choose less than 3.

This would be wonderful if the op could say something like this. I hope I have bought my dds up to stand up for themselves like this. I rather expect though that unfortunately this is not - yet - within her reach, and is possibly why the husband chose her, so that he is in charge. But, baby steps op, to start standing up for yourself - starting with the coffee and hobby.

Where did I say they were 'nothing' to do with OP. They are her stepchildren. She should be warm and friendly to them, and sure help out from time to time to support DH. However, she should not be expected to pick up the load of a FT mother because their own mother, for whatever reason, is unable to. Their dad needs to step in and step up to the job he has taken on, and if he can't do that he needs to pay or seek favours beyond his wife. She is not the parent and doesn't want to be.

In a family you need to consider everyone, the poor DSC have had their lives upended because the mother is unavailable for whatever reason. They need stability, love and be part of the household and not treated like visitors.
Their dad is making them feel an inconvenience because he’s trying to wrap them up in cotton wool and pressed pause on OP and his life and treating them like he is only seeing them EOW, they are living there F/T and need to be treated as such.
Their dad needs to outsource help and ask his parents/friends if they can help with lifts, tell DC he has booked time for him and OP to go away and he has arranged for them to stay with his parents. He doesn’t need OP to hold his hand at the weekend, he can spend quality time with his all his DC and stop blocking her from having any social life. He can tell the kids in this household they are expected to start cleaning their rooms and putting dirty laundry in designated wash baskets. They then can stop feeling like inconvenient visitors and slot into home life.

The OP has already said her DH does a lot for the family, except when he's at work. OP takes her DSC's to school and has been asked to take them to their hobby, oh, and has also been asked to buy the school uniforms (which is something you'd get once or twice a year). She is not doing 'everything' for them it appears.

Meanwhile, OP gets to work part time (courtesy of her DH) and shouldn't have to help out with another man's children, even though they now live with her 🙄